I am pretty opinionated when it comes to committing adultery. Maybe it’s because in almost every relationship I have had my partner has cheated. I’m beginning to think it’s just me, maybe I am not doing enough to keep the relationship together. I know their was a Kinsey Study (I think that’s the correct spelling) done years ago that found 7 out of 10 men will cheat on their wives or girlfriends given time. I know I have written on this topic before, but I recently came upon an email written to a relationship specialist that floored me, it really did.
“. . . I divorced four years ago when I found out my ex-husband had kept a mistress. It broke my heart completely, and I could not forgive him. . . But strangely, four years later, the same situation comes up except I am the other girl this time. There is this married man who’s been very interested in me. His wife has a three-month-old baby. I know it’s immoral, but our chemistry has been unbelievable. He’s even better than my ex. Our casual sex was really good each time. . . I had tried to keep a distance from him, but he can’t help seeing me whenever he can. I let him know I see other guys too, and he lets me know he keeps seeing other girls, too. But then again, he sees me whenever. . . Funny I used to despise those who cheat, but after a few times, I don’t feel too guilty about it. But at the same time, I can forgive my husband for what he did because now I understand why he did it. . . It’s circle of life and I’m running around it, there is no right or wrong, you just take it or leave it, is that right?” (I did edit this email to keep it brief)
Okay, WTF is the “circle of life”? Is she saying what comes around goes around. Since she got cheated on it’s okay for her to do it too? After my initial pissed-off-ness at yet another woman’s blatant disregard for her lover’s wife. I started to think about just how unstable and insecure she would have to be to participate in that kind of deception. I am really, honestly curious to know what the attraction is. The relationship specialist thought it had something to do with wanting what you can’t have or the passion inherent in the forbidden. I cannot understand it because I have never done it, but since it happens so often there must be some golden carrot I am not aware of. If you have been in this situation, and are willing to enlighten me please do? How do you justify it? Seriously?
I also have found a book that covers a topic I have never seen. So I ordered it, just another to add to my collection of non-fiction, it’s called: “You Can’t Have Him, He’s Mine“. Looks like a primer into the minds of women who would like to take your mate and it also highlights what leads up to his interest in being taken. The author is an Attorney, so it should be an interesting read. Maybe I’ll learn something.
I’ve never been cheated on (as far as I know) and I’m sorry to hear that you have.
I was obsessed with this guy in high school. So sickly obsessed that I would call to hear him breathe on the phone or get diarea every time I would even think about seeing him. 1.5 years after hooking up with him, I found out he had a gf. I tried to stop seeing him and continued to see him (he told me they weren’t really together anymore but I knew it was bs even though I really wanted to believe him) with tons of guilt. It ended pretty quickly after that. Ugh.
I then got a bf and the guy tried to make me cheat on my bf…what a fucking asshole. I didn’t and cut the guy out of my life for good!!
Thanks for the condolences, being cheated on is the worst! Those guys we obsess about are the hardest, I have had 2! Seems like your obsession with this guy wasn’t unrequited and that makes it extremely difficult to end it. He must have been pretty sneaky hiding a girlfriend for all that time, I think lying is deplorable, at least you read through his BS and saw him for what he was. I think that is so hard to do when you are obsessed with a man! I’m not surprised though you definately know what you will and won’t accept in your life!
I suspect that it must be very difficult to be the other woman: the other woman ALWAYS comes second.
Yes, I suppose you are right. I hadn’t thought of that. Probably an unconscious reason I haven’t done it. Thanks for your comment!
Sorry, this is a bit long. I’ve been on both sides of the coin. I was dating a guy in college and he never once mentioned that he had a girlfriend, and I, of course, never thought to ask! His friends pulled me aside one night and broke the news. Shit! I was the OTHER woman. But, you know what? I was a frickin’ bitch and liked the fact that he chose to spend all his time with me instead of his girlfriend. I didn’t end the relationship – I was just as BAD as the cheater! At that point in my life it was all about being carefree and having fun, I was not ready for a serious relationship with anyone and this was an easy way to remain noncommittal.
Oh…but there’s more. My ex-fiancé cheated on me after we had been engaged for a year. I cannot even describe how that felt. I had no inkling that anything was going on. He had been cheating for some time and couldn’t live with the guilt any longer so he sat me down and flat out told me. Shit! He even went into detail about their rendezvous’; what she wore, what she said, etc. I asked him how he could do that to me and his reply was, “I don’t know, I just wanted to see what it was like, she was so enticing.” Arggghhh! He begged me not to leave him, and said he would never do it again. I stayed, but several months later I met someone that piqued my interest, and guess what? I started cheating. I think I was figuring “an eye for an eye” at that point. Keep in mind I was very young…only 20 yrs…at the time, not that that is a good excuse – I would never justify cheating – but I was still figuring out who I was. Since that time I have never cheated. Having experienced both sides I know all too well how it feels and would never consider doing that to another person – ever again.
I read an article that said people cheat because of a conflict between their physical and emotional desires. Maybe it just really boils down to immaturity and weakness.
Thanks for being so honest! You know it’s one thing to cheat when you are young and not involved with someone who is married or engaged, especially if you didn’t know about it when you were in college. Your Ex-Fiance, well I am so sorry to hear you had to experience that. I think it’s really strange that he actually told you, without being caught! I think this is rare! And an oxymoron, an honest cheater! I don’t think you needed to hear the gory details though. Must have been some hidden agenda on his part. At least he told you before you got married. For me someone who is married is the ultimate deal breaker, but engaged is a close second. You learned a lot and have changed because of it! Good for you for deciding what works and what doesn’t!
Maybe you are right, cheating does boil down to immaturity and weakness. I would have to add selfishness, mostly on the part of the person who is already in a committed relationship and when children are involved, so many people stand to get hurt.
Thanks again for taking the time to teach me how to edit comments I really appreciate it!
I am the other woman. I’m in love with a guy who is married and has a nine-year-old daughter. When we met he told me he was separated, so I didn’t care much.. but then, when we got to know each other, he told me the truth. He wants to get divorce, but there are some financial problems involved so he first has to solve them.
I can’t stop loving him. Our chemistry is amazing and we got on very well with each other. But I don’t know what to do. I can’t stand the idea of breaking a marriage, but yet I can’t stop seeing him ’cause I really love him. Is that bad? I just don’t know. And I wouldn’t like the same to happen to me, I know that, that’s why I can’t stop thinking about this matter. But I love him!! Oh God.. this is so difficult..
You know Mary, it takes a lot of courage to say what you have said here and it sounds like you are really in pain. I am so sorry to hear it! What I have to say about this may not be easy to hear, but if you can, try to take it in. Your relationship with him is based upon a lie. He has lied to you right from the start, when he first said he was separated and then came clean and admitted he was married. He did this to draw you in and then when you were already in love he told you he was married to protect himself. Every time he goes home to his wife after being with you he is lying. Sometimes chemistry and even love are not enough to sustain a relationship where deception is involved. Ask yourself, in the best possible scenario, that being, he is telling the truth about the financial situation, which I doubt, and he does leave his wife for you, will you ever be able to trust him not to cheat on you as well? I can only suggest you stop seeing him until his divorce is final. I know this is hard to hear, but it could save you more pain in the long run! Thanks again for your honesty!
If I may humbly add….?
Mary: Cutting it off sooner than later makes it easier.
Also taking a look at yourself and why you are staying in it with the info you have will clear things up for you, I think.
Maybe you don’t want to commit right now or maybe you are having some self-esteem problems?
If you read my comment above, you’ll see that I also stayed in it and then quickly cut it off and I thought my heart was physically breaking!
What helped me get out of it was knowing that “if he is doing it to her, he’ll probably do it to me too. Maybe he’s already doing it to me now and I don’t know it!” I hate not being number 1 and I knew that it could only get worse. I couldn’t imagine any more pain than I was already in!! I can also be very dramatic but hey, it totally helped me in this situation.
Just imagine him calling her and saying “honey, I’ve got a ‘business meeting to go to later, I love you” or something like that- ugh! How can he face his wife after being with you? He is getting away with it because you are letting him. Guys usually like challenges and the minute you are not a challenge or exciting to him anymore…mistress #2 will be right in line to replace you. Sorry if I’m being harsh.
I hope you find the self-love and courage to kick his ass to the curb and find someone that will appreciate you and make you #1! You deserve it, sounds like you have a lot of love in your heart to give. Why give it to someone who doesn’t appreciate it?
P.S. I am by no means an expert! I fall for jerks everyday but I fall for single jerks, y’know the regular player who doesn’t want to commit to anyone kinda jerk. er.
Thanks for your wisdom it always helps to get a second, experienced opinion!
For having experienced this, I can say it’s really difficult. My ex wasn’t faithful, and so was I. In the beginning, I was furious over him for cheating on me, but then, instead of leaving him, I just stayed and decided to cheat on him too, not intentionally though. And I never picked someone who was involved in a relationship. So, no, I couldn’t be that other woman. In the end, we realized we were more friends than lovers anymore and we split because of that.
Right now, I know I couldn’t do that anymore. If he cheats, for me, it will mark the end of our relationship. I realized in my past experience that I need to trust my partner, that is it deeply linked to love.
You are so right about the trust issue! I have a hard time with it because of past experiences so I often look for infidelity even when I have no reason to. I am working on this. I think it’s more about trusting myself first.
hi! i’ve cheated once and i’ve been
cheated on many times.
on my part, it wasn’t something i enjoyed.
maybe because most part i felt guilty.
but mind you it lasted for about 8months.
i guess it was different from all the other
affair because
we never talked about leaving our
families to be with each other.
we never promise each other anything.
we go out. where almost no human beings exists.
he would take me to places i’ve never been before.
he would treat me real nice.
i felt good.
it was possible for me because i’m the one
who’s working for the family.
i am not saying that our relationship
was not immoral.
it was
understood that our priorities are our
families. even if we were together, if his
family or mine was calling we let go of the
moment together.
we never promised anything to each other.
although we both know it was wrong.
we kept in touch until it was time to say
goodbye. jst like that. we parted same manner
we met.
up to now i never heard a thing about him.
sometimes i get curious but i don’t do
anything about it.
i don’t miss him.
but i miss the places we’ve been.
maybe i cheated on my
husband out of anger. i can say i was pushed
into doing it because he would do it to me
any chance he gets.
sometimes when i think about it, i think he
deserves what i did.
but my kids don’t deserve it that’s why i feel
bad about it.
MyHeadsFull: Thank you for your very detailed comment. I am sorry to learn that your husband was cheating on you as well. It sounds like you are reacting to a problem out of a deep need produced as a result of an unfulfilling marriage and that you are staying because of the children. I appreciate your candor and hope you are able to find a way to resolve this situation so that everyone benefits!
thanks for taking time.
i hope we are both learning here. i am.
right now, i am trying to make the life of
my husband’s
other woman a living hell.
tell me if i’m right or wrong. you see,
she was his ex-girlfriend in college.
it seems she couldn’t accept the fact that
he left her for me.
during our BF-GF stage she came in between.
and now that we’re married i caught them again.
but she wouldn’t stop.
if it was me trying to communicate with her
she won’t reply.
if she thinks it was my husband, she replies.
i pretended iwas my husband.
but later i told her everything i wanted to
tell/call her.
so she won’t answer any of my messages anymore.
you see, she knows she’s ruined a relationship.
how come she wouldn’t stop?
i think she’s obsessed with my husband. but her
story was 7years ago. and up to now she
crawls back in our marriage.
i tried telling her parents about it. but
they believe that their daughter would do
nothing like that.
so i’m kinda feeling frustrated.
if you ask about my husband, i threw him out
of the house. but instead came back home
begging for forgiveness.
i thought he’d go to her which is easier since
she’d take him anytime with open legs.
but he chose to be with me.
he’s still under observation, you know.(:
my point is how do you deal with the other woman
who so obsessed with my husband?
if only i had something so i can sue her,
i would.
it made me a different person now.
something i didn’t wanna be.
so i think she’s a part of it.
so she deserves some of the blows.
MyHeadsFull: I have been thinking about your dilemma and I believe you can get the best advice by reading a book written by a Phd and a Lawyer it’s called, “You Can’t Have Him, He’s Mine” A woman’s guide to affair-proofing her relationship, by Marie H Browne and Marlene M Brown. Here’s the ISBN number to copy and paste into Amazon:
9781598691214, they may have it at Barnes & Noble etc
I hope this helps. I don’t envy your situation and wish I had access to this book before it happened to me. Also if you go to Brickhouse Security on the web you can find all kinds of spying stuff, if you are so inclined. I posted about it on Thursday of this week so you can just click on the calender on my blog and read that post as well. I believe if you are in love with your husband that you should work on keeping your marriage together….:)
Hi there,
I ran by your blog while searching for the topic adultery. I thought it was well written and the letter you posted was quite shocking. I just want to let you know that I’m really sorry for the hurt you have experienced. I recently got out of an unhealthy relationship and my heart on recovery mode. I have been reading some amazing books that have inspired me to enjoy my single life and wait on God for the right guy.
Here is a list:
When God writes your love Story by: Eric and Leslie Ludy
Finding the love of your life Neil Warren, PH. D.
And the Bible
Listen you deserve much better than what you have experienced. I’m sure you are beautiful and talented as well. I can see it through your writing. Sometimes because of our insecurities we tend to settle for guys that don’t deserve our trust or our hearts. But the God who created you knows who will fit you just right and He will guide him to you at the right time. I’m not sure if you are a christian but it sounds like you have a conscience and I’m really proud of you for standing up for what is right. The lady who wrote that email is so caught up in her bad behavior that she doesn’t even know right from wrong anymore. This kind of logic is what leads people to commit crimes and terrible things to other people. Human beings are capable of terrible acts but God is so much bigger and can save us from the stupidest things we’ve done. I hope I have been able to encourage you. Know I prayed for you right at this moment. You go girl!! Keep on bloggin