I’m not sure if you have ever noticed that after a break-up, people, even professional therapists see fit to give you what I like to call canned advice. It’s not new, it’s not Earth shattering and it doesn’t often help. Many times it’ s the same stuff I have been hearing since childhood. When I hear it now it just kind of makes me angry and perpetuates a delusion I have about myself that something is wrong with me. When I was a child I didn’t question what I was told because I didn’t have a choice, so I squashed what I was feeling and did what I was told. Now that I am older and do have a say in the matter I realize that the advice I was given by my elders was the same advise they were given and so on and so on . . .
Here are some examples:
Grin and bare it
There are plenty of fish in the sea
Don’t feel bad ~ Don’t be sad
Time heals all wounds
It was his fault, he had too much baggage
Looking good is the best revenge
Just let it go
You’ll be fine
You’ll get used to it
If you’re going to cry go to your room
He’ll get his
Put on a happy face
Be Strong
Think about something else
Just move on
Distract yourself with other things ~ Don’t think about it now
He isn’t worth it
What comes around goes around ~ What you put out comes back to you
I think all this advice culminates into one strong statement: Do anything except feel what you are feeling!
I also know the advice comes from a good place. People feel uncomfortable when they see others in pain. I think this is mostly true because they aren’t used to it, weren’t allowed to experience it and now believe it should be dispensed with as quickly and as efficiently as possible. In fact it seems that people really only want you to show your bright side in the world so if you’ve got any grieving to do it should be done alone or in the presence of a paid therapist, it’s sad but it’s what we’ve learned.
I have decided to unlearn what I was taught and go back to look at what I have accumulated because I haven’t allowed myself to experience the full range of feelings I was born with. I relied on the canned advice I was given and I don’t want to do that anymore. I’m going to decide for myself what is appropriate even if it goes against the grain of conventional wisdom!
What kind of canned advice have you been given after a loss or break up that persuaded you to ignore what was really going on inside?
I think the canned advices u have listed down is universal….and yes its very irritating and the person who says that to me i wish like saying oh i wish u wud go thru it rite now and lets see if u take ur own advice n do it !!! it was only my bf who said in bad times to me ” don’t crib about being unhappy why do u hve to happy all the time unhappiness is a part of u its a part of ur feelings so embrace it feel it and get thru it”
It is irritating! Your BF gave you good and true advice! Lucky for you!
Only time will get you over it, you’ll find someone better….blah blah blah!!!
Yeah, blah..blah…blah! Is what I hear too. LOL
Everything happens for a reason.
What doesn’t kill you will make you stronger.
When one door closes, another one opens.
Blah, blah, blah…I agree! I wrote a post on this not to long ago, I was getting extremely irritated hearing these cliches over and over and over!
Oh these are good. I have heard them over and over too, I can’t believe I forgot about them. Thanks! I’m actually making a list! I’m gonna look for your post for more!
There’s plenty fish in the sea.
You will find someone that really loves you etc.
I would have prefer that people didn’t say anything back then. Yet, I must say that I don’t know what to say to my friends when they call it quits with their men.
I always just listen or try too. I have stopped myself from giving advice a lot, it’s hard!
I used to really hate these but now I think a lot of them are true and like being reminded of them (except for the mean ones about my choice of mate).
I can see your point though, irritating when someone isn’t seeing or hearing what you are actually going through. When saying these things it’s like “oh, I’ll just say something someone has told me once to shut you up.”
My contribution:
“Let it go”
“He’s not worth it”
“you’ll find someone better”
“you deserve more”
“he’s not worth your tears”
“He’ll regret it later”
“Let God/Universe handle it”
“There is light at the end of the tunnel”
“ugh. I hate him”
“He’s incapable of love”
“In a year from now you’ll be like ‘(insert name here) who?’”
“His loss”
“you can do SO much better”
I don’t like when people say bad things about the person I chose (even if, at the moment, I think they are the devil) because it’s like they are saying “girl, your decisions suck and you have no taste in men.” It’s one of those situations where you can call your mom a bitch but no one else is allowed to…y’know what I mean? Also, even if I hate someone, I still loved them once and don’t want to hear people talk shit about them, doesn’t help anyway.
Sometimes a simple hug is enough.
Thanks for posting your list. I love, “he’s not worth your tears and let the universe handle it” You also made a good point, that I thought about, but forgot to mention, when they talk bad about someone you love, because it does say something derogatory about you/me/whoever and I think they are trying so hard to make you feel better that they forget about that! I just want to feel what I’m feeling and it’s nice to know someone will just listen and sit with you for a while!
Hi, I found you via modobs.
Sometimes people just dont know what to say
other times they can’t cope with the fact that
you might still be in the same place (hurt, anger
etc) and they just want to be able to talk
about something else.
The “time heals” one is the most irritating!
Hi Stardust! Thanks for leaving a comment! I agree with you it seems like people get tired when your not over it yet! Sometimes that makes it even harder when they are happy, ugh! I hate the time heals one too because, I don’t think it’s true. I think they stay with you! I once read some formula someone came up with that said something like half the amount of time you were with them and that’s how long it will take to get over them, so if you were with them 10 years it will take 5, it was something like that. I thought it was stupid!
People are not very good in handling other peoples sorrows and in consoling them. They rather avoid the situation. Propably they don’t want to feel bad or think that it might also happend to them. People that have seriously gone through something similar are occasionally, but not always better in this.
That is true, if someone has gone through it they can understand more, unless they went right from one person to another then they seem to think you should do the same thing! Or older people will say life is too short to worry about this!
Oh I keep hearing about how I’m better off and how I can now start all over again. I feel like screaming at them and saying “How dare you tell me I’m better off. I married him for better or worse and I loved him.” It’s like people just expect me to stop loving him just because he stopped loving me.
Hi Lady Jaye! I can relate to what you are saying so well, honestly! Sometimes people mean well, but just don’t get what you are going through. It’s like they are outside looking in, detached from what you are feeling. Even if they don’t like it, I tell them what I am feeling. I also tell them I am going to feel it until I have worked through it. This concept is uncommon, but does work. It just takes a little longer! If they can’t handle it I don’t talk about it with them anymore.