What if He’s Not Attracted to You Anymore?
April 11, 2008 by dontdatethatdude
I don’t know, maybe it’s the phase of the moon, but I have been thinking a lot about the attraction factor this week and how difficult it can be to compete in a world preoccupied with looks. Today I want to talk about what happens when your partner is no longer attracted to, and more specifically I want to talk about when they are no longer attracted to you because you have gained weight. I hear about this a lot, especially from women who start out in a relationship at an average weight and then over time begin to gain once the relationship becomes comfortable. It reminds me of the “freshman 15″, except rather than just 15 pounds it can become 20 or even 30 pounds and sometimes more. Some couples spend a lot of time eating out or preparing meals together or their lives get so hectic that they eat convenience food and have no time to exercise and all of a sudden both are gaining weight. Sometimes I think weight gain happens because a couple gets into a routine of watching TV and eating late a night and then going to sleep, or perhaps it’s just the boredom factor, but whatever the cause eventually overtime in relationships weight gain happens. I think it’s a well known fact that women gain weight much easier than men and if a man gains 10 pounds a woman might gain 15 or 20. This leads to my next observation. Men are primarily visual creatures, living in a visual world of “eye candy”. I mean it’s inescapable. Sooner or later we all begin to believe that every one “should” look a certain way, never taking into account the fact that celebrities and models looks are often modified in the media so they look good all the time. So now you are with your loved one and everything seems great. You are living a comfy-cozy existence, feeling safe and secure in your relationship when all of a sudden the sex begins to wan and you notice your jeans are getting a little tight and your cheeks are getting a little puffy and you say something to your partner like, “Geez, I think I am gaining some weight.” And your partner concurs and admits they are gaining too. So you decide to diet together and that lasts about a week and it’s right back to the old routine and more weight gain and less sex. The cycle continues and one day your partner points out a particularly over-weight person and says, “if you ever look like that I will leave you.” You are stunned because you can’t imagine why anyone would compare you with someone “that” over weight, and you can’t believe they could think you could balloon up to that size ever. Then you start to get self-conscious and a downward spiral of self-hatred begins. With self hatred comes the need to self-medicate and if food is your drug of choice more over-eating ensues. Until that dreaded day when your partner proclaims they aren’t attracted to you anymore, and even thought they may have gained some weight too it’s more acceptable on a guy. You know they wear it better. And the next thing you know he has hooked-up with someone younger and thinner and he is out the door. I don’t like guys like this. I know a lot people will say, “Hey, if your weight is ruining your relationship, lose it. Being overweight is bad for your health anyway”, but what if you are healthy and you just don’t fit the “prescribed” thinness that’s expected in society? I think a guy who leaves you because you are over-weight is a superficial Jack-ass. I think if you are dating or married to someone who obsesses about your weight that it’s time to re-think the relationship, because no one stays beautiful forever and a person who does that won’t stick around for the long-haul and the first chance they get they will be out the door!
Beauty is a disease that will heal. It’s only temporary. If your partner is too focused on your looks, then the relationship is simply doomed. Not every guy is like this, fortunately. A male friend of mine always tells me that reasoning like this is purely shallow and reducing women to sexual objects, which we are not.
Hi. I’m sorry you feel this way. I wrote a post about this a little while ago. I believe in women feeling empowered, but I don’t make excuses for the laws of society and instead choose to ‘play’ in it.
http://bacardianddiet.wordpress.com/2008/03/26/bla-bla-bla/
I agree. Beauty is only skin deep…and a person’s physique is no exception. Luckily, I have never been in a relationship where my weight was an issue. If I ever do experience this I would certainly tell him to kiss my ass as I walked out the door!
Physical attraction is just one small component of a relationship and an overall attraction, I think. I mean, even the hottest guy wouldn’t be seriously attractive to me if he was also extremely dull. For me, intelligence and a great sense of humor can make a man incredibly sexy nearly regardless of the physical situation.
Of course, this topic is also a huge double-edged sword for me. I think on the whole woman are taught to accept the way men’s bodies change with age and time. We are raised to accept things like bald spots and extra weight. Where men are taught to seek out perfect type Barbie doll women and many seriously do internalize that lesson. I know those are broad statements and I know there are definitely exceptions to the rules. But on the whole (and after years of proof through internet dating) this is what I have found.
Modobs: You are 100% correct and I have known many men who do not reduce women to sexual objects but no one should date the ones who do.
Bacardi: I read your post and I think you may have mis-understood what I wrote, you and I basically agree. My post is really a warning NOT to date men who will leave you if you gain a couple of pounds or if God forbid something else happens that changes your looks like a car accident or chemo or other life circumstances that can’t be changed just by getting off your ass and exercising. I should have entitled the post, “If Your Man Wants a Clone Leave Him Alone” You might also like reading this blog: http://kateharding.net/ about self acceptance.
2LD: I know you would never stand for that kind of superficiality. Unfortunately it’s taken me years to learn that particular lesson…LOL
One Date Wonder: I find some of the most attractive guys and girls care more about their looks then anything else and this make them boring to me, but worse they are so self-absorbed that there is only room for one person in the relationship, them. LOL And yes I agree that on a whole women are taught to accept imperfection unless it’s in themselves. The internet dating thing is a prefect example of men who exhibit the tendencies you mentioned. Thanks for the great comment because you what you said makes a good point and because you have the experience to back up your statement!