So you have been dating a guy for some time and it’s becoming more and more obvious that he is very comfortable with his present situation and you are not. In fact you are very ready to settle down and start a family, or maybe you just want to, “seal-the-deal”. But how do you entice someone to purpose? Many women dream of the day a wonderful man will fall deeply in love with them and then propose marriage in some TV movie, romantic way. But what if it’s not happening? The big question is, should you give him an ultimatum?
It seems to me that ultimatums create more problems then they solve. I mean let’s consider this, if the man just agrees to marry you because you pressured him, won’t you always be wondering why he didn’t think of it on his own. Won’t you always feel like you forced his hand and the only reason he did it was because he was afraid to lose you, or even worse he was waffling because he wasn’t 100 percent sure, and that his eyes might always be open for “the one” ?
Experts in this field counsel women to give the relationship a year, and if you want to marry and the man you want to marry hasn’t proposed by then it’s time to start looking for other options. You don’t have to be coy about it. You can be up-front and tell him honestly and directly what your goals in life are and that one of them is to marry, but be nice about it, like you are talking to a friend, like you are talking to someone you would potentially spend your life with. Just don’t make it a demand, a final notice or a condition. Yeah, tell him how you really feel and then let him sit with it. This is why it’s probably NOT a good idea to live with a man before marriage, because then if you want to marry and he doesn’t the whole situation becomes like a mini-divorce and nobody wants to deal with that crap! If marriage is your goal then simply date and have a good time until you find that person who wants to marry you and most of all keep your options open! Never assume anything and never think that someone has the same expectations as you do unless you have discussed it and are both clear about the outcome you hope to achieve!
An ultimatum is never good, it puts people on the defensive. If he’s not willing to marry you, than you should always be keeping your options open. He should not feel like he has you in the bag. He can easily become too comfortable with this.
There’s another option: getting pregnant, so he would be forced to marry you (if he’s not a bastard). But it’s not fair
This was very enlightening. I always ASSUME that my significant other has the same expectations as me – why else would you spend 2 (or more) years in a relationship with someone if you don’t intend to marry? It just seems silly to me to waste all of that precious time if you are just going to continue to date with no further commitment. That is exactly what happened in my last relationship. After 2 1/2 yr I finally sat him down and asked if he thought our relationship would go any further. And…when he hesitated…and said he wasn’t sure if he EVER wanted to be married – that was it for me. I ended it.
It’s interesting that experts say to give a relationship only a year. Now that I’m armed with this advice, I’m not going to waste any more time like I have in the past – I’ll give him ONE YEAR!
2LD: I am glad you were able to get some good info here. I also would like to day that it’s very important not to live with him during this time and to let him be the one to questions things if you can. I have wasted many years with one guy in particular who waffled like crazy and I had so much time invested I felt I could make it work, but it ended badly. Searchingwithin left a comment that I think sums it up very well and unfortunately is true.
Modobs: I had not thought of the getting pregnant thing, maybe if I was younger and actually wanted more children, but since I do tend to date bastards it probably wouldn’t work anyway…;)
searchingwithin: Your statement sums-up the whole issue very clearly, thank you for leaving it!
modobs: I’m sorry, I can not believe that any self respecting woman would ever say, or even ponder the thought of doing something like this.
I could write a whole article on this statement right here and now, but I will leave that for my own blog.
I will ask you this: And who would be the “bastard”, in this case?
I like the idea of one year, hadn’t heard that one before. My mom has told me to not marry someone BEFORE a year so that you can see him in all seasons. Now, even though she’s been divorced 3 times and married 4, I think it’s still good advice. Sounds like a year is a good time either way.
The not living with a guy I think is a great idea too. I immediately want to like suck them into my life, introduce them to everyone, be attached at the hip and all that. I have decided to take things slow next time, get to know them and give myself (and him) breathing space and time to also give my friends so I don’t neglect them (even though I was pretty good about that before but balance is the issue here).
Thanks for the sound advice and for clearing things up.
Racho: I do like what your mother said. I love the older sayings. My mother used to tell me, “You made your bed, now you have to lay in it!” Weird, right. I think giving the relationship a year is a great idea, but no longer. He should have made his intentions known by the end of it and if not and you have made your wants and needs clear then it’s time to move on.
I have been living with my boyfriend for 1-1/2 years. Yet, we have been together since 2001. We did break up for a year (when I found out that he was on a Match.com site behind my back) but I truly love him. His problem is that he loves to fall in love and he is f______ 52 years old!!! He doesn’t want me to see any of my friends and accuses them of being gay, or trying to introduce me to someone else. He wants his cake and eat it too. He went through a bad marriage. But so did I. I never asked my wealthy husband of 20 years for anything. I have supported myself and have supported my boyfriend. What is wrong with this picture????? I think that he is always looking over my shoulder when we are dancing for someone better. He flirts with every woman he sees (if she is good looking) right in front of me. I can’t even talk to anyone in a grocery line and he gets mad. It is very embarrassing when he says rude things to me in front of people we don’t know. I have my own business and know everyone in town and I am pretty confident with my looks, good figure and personality. As a matter of fact, I didn’t even like him when I first met him. He is the one who was very consistent at showing up at my store, house .. the whole thing. I want to marry him but I don’t want to force the issue. Should I move on?????
Laguanasweetie!
Always trust your first impression of a person, your gut reaction. Please re-read your own comment and advise yourself the way you would advice a close friend. I would never tell anyone what to do because you have to go through your life and make your own decisions, however, I think you know because you are questioning yourself. Love is easy!
I have a really hard time following through because my current boyfriend is the father of my son who is 1 month old. I’ve been wanting common-law but he wants to free-load off his mom for longer (he doesn’t pay for our son, I do.) I also have a 3 year old, I had him with a different guy though. Totally horrible relationship, ended really badly. He ended up leaving me after I was already 4 months pregnant asking me to get an abortion. I refused. I wasn’t young or anything so no worries. So I’ve been a single mom all this time and I just cant carry on a good relationship… especially now. And the worst thing is that my two boys that I love most in the world are in the middle. I have more then myself to worry about… What do I do?! Do I give up on my dreams of marriage?! I’ve been dating my second sons dad for 2 years…
Here is a little secret ladies. Guys tend to look at what happened to the last guy in that family who said “I do”. If they see some poor bastard who lost it all in divorce, oh well you can imagine. If you go because there is no marriage he is going to feel like he dodged a bullet not like he lost something. Unless you have a good income a house a car etc. of course.
For Lagunasweetie – Why do you want to marry this man? If he treats you this badly just dating, marrying him will make things worse. He sounds like a narcissistic love addict type – at least from what you are saying. It’s hard to pull away from people we love or think we love but I think it’s necessary if they detract more from your life than enhance it. As his wife you would feel more obligated to stick it out and so far it sounds like it’s not going well. I’ve never seen marriage solve problems that existed pre-marriage.
In general I think that string-along relationships never work out as healthy relationships. If a guy has been too comfortable with you or taking you for granted or doesn’t want to break up but won’t commit… I think it’s unlikely that it will somehow become a healthy relationship through marriage. Sometimes we might want to get married but we have to think of our own needs too… no one wants to get stuck with a loser.