I’ve been inspired to write again, at least today by another blog post I came across on Facebook. It’s called Single Dad Laughing and I am responding to a post he wrote called “The Cure for Perfection” I was deeply moved the response to his post and have sent him an email requesting he share my blog post, but either way I want to share it here as I believe it to be the one true thing I have learned. I am also sharing the links I have sent to him that have provided me with the most amount of self reflection, self growth and self love, helping me move out of fear into a place better suited for the perfect humans we already are!
So with out further ado here it is:
I didn’t follow the rules or guidelines you suggested. I never do. I hate rules of any kind, but I hope that you will repost this message because I have been very drawn to share it with your readers because the most important thing we can know at this time is that we are already perfect in everyway. When we come from a place of knowing that we are already perfect and keep reminding ourselves of that we are freed up to look deeper.
Perfection is all that can exist . . .
Nothing imperfect exists . . .
And no, I am not a swami . . .
So what does that mean? Does it mean we are perfect in our so called imperfection, yes! Does it mean that perfection is our continual state of being? Yes! I am writing to tell you that you are perfect exactly as you are now, every little ugly spot or bad mistake or error in judgment or rotten word you cursed at the guy going way too slow in front of you is perfection at it’s finest. Yup, you are perfect, so you can stop worrying about being any more perfect and start focusing on what makes you feel uncomfortable, what makes you afraid and that which you choose to change about yourself. You see the thing is, perfectionism is not the enemy, it could be a symptom of something you don’t want to look at, like smelly feet or a rotten tooth, but more likely it’s about being afraid, because fear my friend is the enemy. Fear of rejection, fear of failure, fear of the unknown, fear that your pizza will be burned on the bottom. Seriously, think about it. What have you feared today? Good Lord, make a list and you will see that fear is the ultimate buzz kill, because without it we would just roll along taking things as they come and dealing with them as they happen, not before, because the other half of it is projecting the fear of what could happen without ever really knowing that it could. This constant thinking and all knowing voice in your head that says it has all the answers, but we know differently, don’t we? Every single one of us has had a situation or two turn out exactly the opposite of what we projected and we’ve said to ourselves, “Wow, I never thought it would turn out like that!” And you were happily surprised. We have seen horrible, terrible situations like child abductions turn into causes that have saved the lives of thousands. Open your mind for a minute and you will see the past does not equal the future and your future can change in a minute by simply asking yourself one question, what am I afraid of? If that answer brings up more fear ask another, why am I afraid of that? The more questions you ask the more answers you will receive and so on and so on until a solutions is found, a lesson is learned and a deep knowing that perfection is all around us is embraced. When we take a concept like being perfect and turn it into the enemy at the gate we never, ever get to the truth. We, all of us, are afraid and that’s perfect too, because when we see that it’s just fear that holds us we can shine a light on what is really making us uncomfortable, confront it and then deal with it. But we gotta look at the ugly before we can see the beauty, and I can tell you I have seen a lot of ugly in my life. I have uncovered a lot of what I am afraid of and faced it square in the face. It ain’t easy, it isn’t pretty and it requires constant examination of my own thoughts, my own fears and what makes me tick. I have learned that I am perfect just as I am, with all my flaws and fear of failure and fear that you might read this and think I’m crazy or long winded or horrible at grammar, but I had to face that fear and share this with you because I am awed by your courage to ask for others to help others in a world of seeming strangers and often strangeness, that I see now as perfect and beautiful and with wild, endless possibilities. There is nothing that cannot be solved or worked through or used for the benefit of teaching others, helping others and showing compassion. I would like to applaud you and send you this note of gratitude for reminding me how far I have come and for allowing me to share with you some resources that have helped me along the way with the hope that your voice and exposure will be the vehicle by which others can find them.
Journaling Resource: Julia Cameron, The Artist’s Way: http://www.theartistsway.com/
Maia Berens an extraordinary life coach: http://allaboutlifecoaching.com/
National Suicide Prevention Hotline: http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
Posted in blogging, codependant, codependent, journey, life story, love, obsession, personal stories, relationships, wisdom, writing | Tagged fear, perfection, self love | Leave a Comment »
These words came to me last night and I am sharing them with you. May they have meaning in your life!
When the lighted path grows dim
hold a candle against the darkness
then speak my name
I will be there for you
When the flame flickers and dies
feel your way against the darkness
then call out my name
I will be there for you
When you can not feel your way
remember the lighted path
and whisper my name
I will be there for you
When you can not remember your way
imagine the path lighted before you
say my name
and I will be there for you
I will be there for you like a foothold
Even in your blackest night
Like a hand to shake you
to awaken you
for even when you slumber
I am here
Posted in blogging, codependant, codependent, dating, divorce, internet dating, journey, life story, literature, lost love, love, marriage, memoir, obsession, obsessive love, personal stories, relationships, wisdom, writing | Tagged god, spirituality | Leave a Comment »
Kentucky shurbs . . . dark spots littering the field, their green matched the green in my shirt. And I wonder, always wonder about the beauty of this land, even in it’s desolation, indeed sometimes because of it. What isn’t there leaves room for the imagination. Plus the land may let you down, but you never take it personal, you know? When crops fail you don’t think the land is trying to hurt you, you just think it is what it is, or you try blaming it on God or the universe or something, but you know that can’t really be true. And just by looking into a field I figured out that man invented God to have someone to blame shit on.
Hmmm . . .
Man invented God so he could have someone to blame shit on. It’s a theory I came up with on the first day of the first week I spent with the man I thought I loved, on a vacation that would end our relationship. But, it being the first day I was still in creative spirits. I was still in a place where the freedom to roam that I desperately sought was bestowed upon me by him through the company he worked for, and while I don’t think I ever really admitted it to him I realized a lot about myself and the world and travel, well motion, while I was stuck in a Hum-V with him, driving and driving for miles. I realized too that he was simply a catalyst for my transformation the same way one needs to strike flint or tinder or whatever the fuck. I mean he was like an ingredient that was a requirement.
Now, none of this can be seen while you are in the midst of it. It can only be observed afterward. After the pain wears off. After you realize it was one tiny stop over on the map of your destiny. A tiny spot that seemed really big and all consuming at the moment and the deal is, it felt like love. I mean true love, deep love, love without limits, but that is fucking bullshit isn’t it? Everything has limits, conditions, restrictions, except knowledge, except learning, except passion and there is love in all of these but it comes from within it is not gotten from someone but it can be bestowed upon them, it is a gift to be given an received and there are limits, self imposed, but limits just the same.
But what I learned about love didn’t/wasn’t realized on the trip necessarily, but some months after during a dormant period and alone time that for me was so painful to speak of it hurts right down the middle like a hole in my gut. He would never understand this because he didn’t have too, has never wanted to, at least not yet. And that makes me happy because I would not wish this feeling upon anyone, well that’s a lie, but I’ll get back to that another time. See the thing is he held pain too, experienced pain too and kind of talked about it, but not really. Like I’m a big man who won’t cry so I’ll just bitch about every fucking thing and wait for someone to see it’s pain or there is pain and maybe they will make it go away. Yup he was that guy, the one who was constantly looking to make the pain go away through others, but who would never actually open up for the healing, cuz when it got too deep he would just move on to the next and the next, a surface dweller. And the reason I know this is because I was that exact same way too and so I was attracted to him like a magnet, a fucking guided missile and I knew nothing good, well nothing, well I knew nothing of what our entanglement would bring . . . Ah co-dependancy, Ah lust, Ah the beauty of doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. It just goes on and on.
No on can write about it while they are in it and while they are in it, it feels really good and really bad at the same time. And no one can write about it until they have closure (a term by the way that I despise) I’m not sure I’ve ever had it in my life, but as I sit here facing a fire, under the threat of encroaching Autumn, beneath skies more cloud filled than blue I know more than I did before he and I were introduced. I know more about myself. I know more about life. I know more about relationships than I ever did before and I while I was in Kentucky I realized that man invented God so he would have someone to blame shit on?
Posted in blogging, codependant, codependent, dating, divorce, internet dating, journey, life story, literature, lost love, love, marriage, memoir, obsession, obsessive love, personal stories, relationships, writing | 1 Comment »
Dan Millman is a real man, I don’t mean he’s real man like a “real” man’s-man. I mean he is an actual living person who has a website and everything. The movie, “Peaceful Warrior” is the story of his life or a part of his life that, according him actually happened. Well I must confess, I did not research it because I like to think it did happen. I like to think that events depicted in the movie can happen in real life. I have always been a dreamer. I have always believed that anything can happen, because otherwise life is just too boring. So maybe someone who has the time and inclination can check it out and see if he has combined truth and fiction. In some ways the story reminds me of the Celestine Prophecy only more real and in movie form it’s just easy. I know they turned the Celestine Prophecy into a movie too, but it was really kind of lame, and the Peaceful Warrior is kind of lame too, but I liked it a lot. I have watched it a lot. It is one of those movies I turn re-watch on Showtime or HBO over and over again, just to have something in the background.
Last night I had it on before sleep and I realized the lessons are not new ones. It teaches us to stay in the present. It teaches us detachment, it teaches us many things and I like the way it’s delivered because you don’t have to have a long, serious history of Buddhism or Taoism or whatever ism it teaches in order to see, understand, take in and hopefully learn what could work for you. I awoke this morning feeling refreshed, enlightened and very, very happy after remembering those lessons from The Peaceful Warrior. And today I’m thinking, shit, if watching a cheesy kind of film can fill me with enlightenment, joy, bliss, fervor, insert good feeling work of your choice here, then I am in.
I think I’ll go buy it!
Posted in codependant, codependent, dating, divorce, humor, internet dating, journey, lost love, love, marriage, memoir, obsessive love, relationships | Tagged Bliss, happiness, Joy, Peaceful warrior | 2 Comments »
Okay, Okay, now I have seen everything!
The writer says that women should market themselves and give themselves a “brand” like Proctor & Gamble. Holy Hell, what has this dating world come too? And how hard up we gonna get? Note, there is no such book for men. Indeed, I could not bring myself to buy this book, but decided instead to go on to Amazon and read the reviews, which were great by the way, and I got all the info I needed, including a big heads up on how women should lower their standards and keep a guy who is a fixer upper, cuz apparently men are now a commodity like orange juice. I couldn’t stop laughing.
This is the same author whose article I mentioned yesterday who did statistics on why men choose women. Crap ladies I may be on the wrong side of the fence here, but I’m gonna say that human beings both men and women, should never except less than the full package and here’s a big surprise, there are enough of each to go around, so never fear. Also, and I think this is very important . . . it is better to be single than to accept that which leads to unhappiness. If you aren’t feeling happy and energized everytime when your man is around then you might want to look at why. If he doesn’t support you and love you and lend his hand when you need it you may want to ask why.
Just be your beautiful self and you will attract a beautiful someone to share your life with and in the meantime have FUN!
Posted in blogging, codependant, codependent, dating, divorce, humor, internet dating, life story, lost love, love, marriage, obsessive love, relationships, wisdom | 4 Comments »
The entire time I was growing up everyone told me that I was “TOO” nice. Since I was nice I didn’t say it aloud, but I thought, “What the Fuck does that mean?” I’m too nice as if it were a bad thing. How can being nice be a bad thing? Now nice is evil too. So I didn’t stop being nice. Now after many years of being nice I can see how it could be detrimental to my health. I doesn’t hurt anyone else, cause they have the benefit of my niceness but it does hurt me, especially if I am nice while assuming because I am nice everyone else will be just like me… NOT!
Nope. I have learned that most people are not nice. Most people, (and when I say most here I mean 80% or so), are looking out for themselves, to see what they can get from you or simply aren’t nice because they are afraid that if they put themselves out there and give it won’t be returned or they will get hurt. The whole issue is based around fear and lack and it is just pissing me off today. Pissing me off beyond measure because I am more the exception then the rule. This doesn’t surprise me it simply angers me. I can see it all so clearly, you know? If everyone were not so afraid of getting hurt or used or taken advantage of or whatever the fuck then surely we would just automatically do nice things for others, since it is part of our fundamental nature. Or maybe it isn’t I honestly have no fucking clue anymore.
What does this have to do with dating dudes, choosing dudes and dudes in general? And how did I come up with this topic? It’s a long story that goes back to a Junior High School Cafeteria and I won’t mention it now, let’s just say that when this article arrived in my email box this morning I was touched that indeed 100 men out of a thousand actually valued women who were nice! Didn’t that just make my day?! Since I have been told and am still being told that I have to be less nice. Well all I can say to that is Ah Ha, and see. At least now I know there are men who want to do more than play hard to get games, who actually value genuine qualities in a woman, and even though they are at the top of the food chain they do exist! I think we can all find delight in that!
Posted in codependant, codependent, dating, divorce, humor, internet dating, journey, life story, lost love, love, marriage, memoir, obsessive love, personal stories, relationships, wisdom | Tagged nice girls | 2 Comments »
Well I thought I was . . . ready for love that is, but traversing the slippery slope of internet dating smacks of all things unnatural, stranger danger and odd attractions to one dimensional images. The odd attraction to one dimensional images part, I thought, for me would be the smallest hurdle to leap. I’m into one dimensional and probably so are you if you are living in the US. Most of us associate totally with one dimensionality, but the trouble with the one dimensional universe, when used to attract a mate can be most obvious when I point out that people have way more than one dimension, shit 3 dimensions doesn’t even cut it when it comes to human behavior and most importantly the human’s ability to bullshit up a storm, or not. I often prefer and am attracted to the bullshit artist. Not sure what it is, but I love a good line and often will respond to people who are attractive and able to write a profile that fills my needs for mental stimulation. I have yet to find, with the exception of one, a profile that was so incredibly good I actually made a move. I will include my profile in the offing because while it doesn’t stink and isn’t at all bullshit, I don’t believe it expresses who I truly am, but gives a brief summary of what I want and who I’m looking for, add a good photo and well many men have shown a great interest. Is this a good thing? I don’t know, because in as much as I am looking at one dimension so are they and what you see isn’t always what you get.
Never being able to do anything in a small way, I joined 3 sites right off the bat, and being the, “new kid on the block”. I was initially inundated and overwhelmed with responses and now that the fervor has died down I’m left wondering about what I was actually thinking. I am also wondering a lot, as usual, about the human condition when it comes to all things love and about chemistry and how all of that works. I also would say that if you enter into that one dimensional universe you might want to polish up your self esteem, cause you’re gonna need it. So far I have been on 4 dates, all of which I thought were good prospects, decent men and intelligent. All 4 of said men apparently did not feel the same way about me. Well one did and that was nice, but let’s get back to the bullshitters and riddle me this? Why would someone who didn’t like you say that they did. Odd right? I don’t do that. I don’t expect that and I don’t fucking appreciate it. My bad?
Anyway nuff said about that, because while it’s perplexing I believe you should use the same mentality when you are dating that you would use when you are about to shoot a roll of film. If you take 100 pictures figure if you are lucky you will get 5 really excellant results. Maybe a better photographer would get more, but I’m still learning, navigating the equipment and taking it personally if someone doesn’t fall head over heels with me right away. It’s fun though, and distracting and at the very least it adds to my experiences which is what I am seeking right now.
You know I thought about this too. I believe at the heart of the whole internet dating scene about 90% of the time we are all basically seeking the same experience, to find and fall in love with another person who we can share everything with, someone who sees us for who we are and loves us because of it or in spite of it, hopefully both. Sometimes thinking about this makes me sad and at others, not so much. And having interacted at one level or another with some men I’m finding it is probably best to refine my style, not get so nervous and to let them talk. I also would say to pay attention to what they say when they are saying it and see if you like it. I often come from a place of wanting someone to like me, and this is wrong. Not that you shouldn’t want someone to like you, just don’t let it be your primary concern. See if you like them . . .
Well I’m off, more to come when the mood hits me!
Posted in love | 8 Comments »