If you think you can get him back you probably can, but do you really want him, and, if so, why? For me it was more about the shock of losing him, how I lost him and the misguided impression that when I married him it was forever, for better or for worse, than it was about still loving a man who could betray me and leave me for dead one week before Thanksgiving. And getting him back, according to the experts, was more about manipulating him than it was about love at all. Don’t get me wrong here, most of the instruction manuals I read did instruct me to love myself, by going out and doing things and eating right and exercising which can’t hurt, but what they were really saying underneath all that make yourself feel better nonsense was, I was not good enough. That somehow the attraction he had for me was lost because I had gained weight, or let myself go and those were the circumstances cementing his decision to pursue greener pastures. So if I could just get him to see me as someone new and show him instead of tell him that I was different I would be able to score his heartless ass all over again.
Most of the information I read came from books or pdf downloads and not surprisingly most gave the same recommendations. Even still I continued to buy and read anything I could get my hands on with hope that I could figure out what went wrong. This is what I discovered and I want you to know that I feel most of the information should be labeled, “How to serve your guy a manipulative crock of shit while you struggle to change your personality to meet the needs of a fellow who clearly doesn’t deserve you, cuz your afraid to go it alone!”
The façade begins by making yourself totally unavailable to the man you think you love for one full cycle of the moon. During this crucial period you must
- Take stock of your situation by figuring out how to make yourself the perfect woman
- Train for a marathon, body building contest, or become a contortionist
- Lose those unsightly extra pounds
- Get a new wardrobe
- Groom yourself like a supa-star
- Never and I mean never, ever take his calls
- For the love of all that is good and Holy, DO NOT CALL HIM!
Side note: If he unexpectedly shows up at your door, and if time permits, walk thru a mist of his favorite scent grab your purse and car keys then pretend you were just going out. Do shimmy past him with a sexy smile plastered all over your face. Make sure to brush up against him suddenly reminding him that you are the coquette enchantress he has left behind. Finally look at your watch and drive off with the speed and fortitude of a whirling dervish.
In the event an unavoidable conversation is needed never bring up the past, (because this might remind him that he is acting like an insolent spoiled 2-year-old who never learned not to masturbate in public or to keep his hands out of the cookie jar, then he might begin to realize he is a spine-less, ball-less wimp who runs away from his intimacy issues into the arms of the first soul-less husk who takes an interest in his pathetic little lies). So act like you have forgotten who he is, so he can too, by keeping every conversation brief and sun-shiny bright. If by some oddity he wants to talk about the past, act distracted, flip your hair back and quickly change the subject. Ladies we must follow this rule since, incontestably, women posses the annoying habit of wanting to talk about their feelings. Take note: the urge to talk to your X bedmate about what is on your mind must be sequestered like a leper at a pre-school picnic.
Once these tactics are employed your man will be dogging you so incessantly you won’t have time to jump-down-turn-around-pick-a-bale-O-cotton.
So make haste and begin his obedience training promptly! But remember if you want him to be obedient you must be obedient too. So continue by adhering to the aforementioned rules with these distinctions:
- He may now have access to you at your discretion which means even if you want to see him more you must limit your interactions to 2x per week.
- Phone calls should be kept short and sugary sweet, remembering to smile even if he can’t see you because he will hear it in your voice
- He must pay for all your outings which are now considered dates
- He may not have sex with you until he has earned it which should take at least 20 dates
- You will not disagree with him or his version of past events, allowing him the luxury of venting all his bullshit and blaming you for everything while you remain impartial, even sympathetic to his bellyaching. (We must never take things personally)
- Take pride knowing Rome was built in a day and that you were rebuilt in 30. These gains can not be set adrift on a sea of insecurity, mistrust, or blame. Let bygones be bygones and relish the beneficence of a universe which has seen fit to return him to you!
- Allow him to believe he is running the show, by letting him run the show. Do the things that he likes. Cook him a hot meal from time to time. Always look your best when you see him and never disclose when it’s your time of the month.
- Don’t bother your man with your personal problems, let him think your only purpose in this world is to serve him, this will trigger memories of mommy’s warm bosom and help him feel safe.
- In the meantime keep busy doing things just to let him know he is not the center of your universe. Have hobbies and go out with friends so he has time to watch TV, surf internet porn and scratch his balls. Men must never feel they have to entertain you. You must always entertain yourself.
- A pundit in matters of the heart vehemently exclaims, “Funny how when you decide to entertain yourself, out of the blue your man will want to spend more time with you. He will be wondering how to please you and what he can do to get your undivided attention.” Translation, as long as you can maintain the illusion that he doesn’t have to do anything he will be happy and want to keep you around, but the second you want something from him look out lady he’ll bolt like a chicken in a sausage factory.
- If the idea of holding back your feelings, forgiving and respecting a man who has done you wrong triggers your gag reflex and a new habit of knocking back handfuls of zanax with Nyquil chasers just to block out daytime fantasies of lobbing off his junk with a butter knife and hanging it from your rearview mirror, simply remember what it was like when he was gone, assuaging his insecurities by humping a boat load of office chicks in the backseat of his car during happy hour. Simply remember that now you are the only one who can make him feel like a man. You have worked long and hard for this privilege so don’t fuck it up or he’ll just do it again.
- Do I smell love in the air?
If this separation has not resulted in Nirvana than the following steps should insure your success in re-capturing his blood-less, sardonic heart. At the next full moon, call him. Flirt with him on the phone, (remember that smile). Do get him laughing and feeling really good, knocking him off guard, so he temporarily forgets he is talking to the old you and for a fleeting moment in time believes you are a new you. To maintain this illusion, butter him up but be concise. Your only purpose is to ask him out on a “date” cleverly disguised as something else. Just make sure the something else peaks his interest without intimating, “pants party”. Professional hypnotists suggest that if you can get him to say yes 3 times he will say yes to anything. I suggest that you’re gonna have a hard time asking him out without him knowing it, but according to the manual he will never decline. If he does succeed in outsmarting these geniuses you are to smile and hang-up the phone. Lather, rinse and repeat the cycle for up to 12 full moons or until he marries the bitch he left you for, which ever comes first.
An extra for those of you who have returned to sanity before completing the cycle:
Let’s suppose during the 30 day cooling off period you have culled your senses and found one that is screaming to be free of this blockhead and you decide to cling on to that sound exacerbating it until it rings in your head like an un-spayed cat in heat. Kneel down at once and do 14 novenas in a row, start your own religious order and bring your wisdom to the world by writing a blog, because you are a rare exception in the world of the hopelessly lovelorn and I applaud you.