One day around Thanksgiving my husband left me for a dirty, little, home-wrecker he met at work. After the shock wore off and I divorced the Prick, I decided I would try dating again. But 2 things occurred to me:
1. I was out of practice
2. I was clearly unable to choose honorable men.
I was out of practice because I was loyal and faithful, (like a good little pup) to my husband and unable to choose honorable men as can be proven by the actions of my X who did I mention left me for a hollow, moral-less, home-wrecking slut?
Either way I decided I would look to the experts for advice on what I was doing wrong and how to overcome it. One issue that has shocked and amazed me through out my years of observation is the behavior of women who get the really nice guys. It’s like all the good men are hypnotized by wafer thin, soul-less husks, whose inherent belief systems consist of, “you will love me and do my bidding, and if you won’t I will find some other sucker who will.” Are they smart? Only if Mensa has added a manipulation IQ rating. Are they witty? Only if you think talking about them is funny. Do they have anything to offer in a relationship? Only if it relates to what you can do for them and then you should be thankful to oblige. And in as much as I would like to say I wasn’t envious I was, so I decided to go to the experts and learn how to become a woman that every man will adore and fall in love with instantly.
I know there was a Good Housekeeping manual penned sometime in the 50’s, but I had been unable to locate it so I searched the internet for as many information documents as I could find, then went about purchasing them and reading them well into the wee hours of the night. This is it in a nutshell:
· You can choose to cook or not cook, but either way only eat tiny little bits, pushing the rest of your food around on your plate. If you find you must eat please do so in private and then go vomit. Please note that vomiting should also be practiced privately. It should also be stated here that this instruction is not so much said as it is implied since the number one quality men find appealing is thin boyish women with un-naturally big tits.
· In keeping with men’s number one attractiveness factor always engage in obsessive exercise and always, always keep busy. Ignoring your own need to sit and rest or read a book to address the needs of your household like food shopping, dusting, vacuuming, toilet bowl cleaning, attending to the pets and personal grooming.
· Never and I mean never leave the house unless you are properly groomed and coiffed because you could miss out on that fortuitous encounter at the gas station or convenient store which so often leads to meeting Mister right, because that so happens everyday. Random, gorgeous single guys running out for gas or sundries picking up chicks who look like they’ve just been peeled off the cover of vogue and placed willy-nilly in the most accommodating places, poised seductively in utterly alarming yet casual ways, dripping sex, captivating others on line whilst fingering a box of fudge brownies and a half gallon of fat free milk. And if you really want to make an impression it is best to show some leg, but only if it is a thin leg, so wear a skirt and high heels, (men love high heels), whenever possible.
· Please, please, please be coy and flirtatious batting your eyelashes and moistening your lips with your little pink tongue and remember to smile, because when you smile the world smiles with you. If possible remember to draw attention to your best features, namely your chest by showing cleavage, but not too much, but just enough to get them thinking about sex, but not enough for them to think you are a whore. Always leave this area open and in plain sight even if it requires clasping your hands behind your back.
· Then once you lure him in with your sultry ways make sure to be unavailable, most of the time. Taunting and teasing him with your absence, because Mommy was right when she said absence makes the heart grow fonder! Make him work for your affections and always make him pay for your outings, then once he pays like a good little boy pat him on the head and give him a kiss on the cheek for his efforts, but never ever sleep with him until he has earned it. Since as all women know men are only after one thing and if they have to work hard enough to get it they will cherish it forever. In essence men are to be trained like dogs and kept on a very short leash.
· Also never tell men the truth, never tell them what you are thinking unless it has to do with what you will or will not accept in their behavior and then it should not be said directly, rather you are to inform them of their digressions by way of ignoring them when they misbehave and rewarding them when they don’t. Some men I might add would perhaps prefer getting spanked with a rolled up newspaper or at the very least threatened with it, but use your discretion here as this could lead you down that slippery slope of illicit sex that is frowned upon by those in the know.
· Finally, train like a body builder so that when you finally do let him near the holy of holies he will realize it was worth the wait, (if he indeed has waited), and will continue to pine for your surreptitious affections.
· The oxymoron I have yet to decipher is; be strong, yet weak. If you know what this means and can explain it in plain English please email me and I will post it here.