I don’t know about you, but in my life I have gone out with and married perfect losers. I mean it! I feel as if I have ended up with the wrong man over and over again and it is unsettling! I think I have figured out what I have done wrong and as such have established a system to weed out the real losers immediately!
It really all boils down to paying attention to who you are with and then comparing their behavior with the ideal you have in your mind. Determine what characteristics and behaviors are negotiable and which ones are not. Then be realistic. No one can re-parent you and no one will love you more than you love yourself and if you expect them to you are being unrealistic. So get your life together first so you have something to bring to the relationship and then you will be much better able to spot a loser at 50 paces or less. You can do this by using your God given senses:
When you are with him, stop yourself in the process of thinking about what you are going to say or how you are going to act or what he thinks of you and look at his actions, listen to his words and pay attention to how you feel when you are with him.
Does he drain your energy?
Is he empathetic?
Does he take responsibility for his actions?
Is he able to self-reflect and change?
Is everything always about him?
Look at him. How does he hold himself? What about his eye contact, does he think he is better than you? Do you think that he thinks his appearance is more important than anything else? Or is he a slob? Does the inside of his car look like a trash dumpster, because you can be sure if it does he won’t pay attention to the details of your relationship. Or is his vehicle so clean you could eat off the carpet? Well in that case your man could be anal retentive and will look at you in disgust if you aren’t anal too. See we need to pay attention to the little things that at first glance seem insignificant and you should use your discretion. If he wants to impress you on a first date and has his car cleaned that is a caring gesture and we like this, but don’t get serious with him or God forbid sleep with him until you’ve known him for several cycles of the moon. I am telling you this from experience, because I’ve done it a couple times and realized that I had gotten in too deep too fast and had to bail out quickly.
What does he watch on TV? Do you like those shows too? Does he play couch commando? Will he negotiate? Cuz let’s face it folks this stuff matters. Do you really want to be with a 40 year-old man who still watches cartoons, or better yet old Westerns? It’s all fine if it’s what you’re into, but only if you are. Is he a sports fanatic? If he is and you’re not and you want attention or better yet you want to spend quality time with him, be discerning. It seems women take for granted that men are going to watch sports and that’s fine, especially if you like alone time, but if he’s the needy type who wants you to like sports and serving drinks and food and thinks it’s a religious experience I suggest you look elsewhere.
Stop thinking you have to do these things to please your man. Your man can please himself and so can you. So if you love each other find a middle ground or another man, because if he likes watching sports more than he likes watching you he’s a loser.
See this whole system is about prep-work and paying attention in the beginning, before you get roped in. So stay sober and be present!
Listen to him. What does he talk about? Many women get sucked in by the whiny- married-victim-guy at work. He wiggles his way into your consciousness and sooner or later the Mommy in you will want to rescue him and take care of him. “Oh, he’s so nice!” You think, “Why is his wife such a bitch?” Then you begin wondering what a nice guy like him is doing with such a rotten women and then you’ll be hating her in order to justify going out for drinks with him and one thing will lead to another and you’ll be screwing him and all hell will break loose. Then you will be adding to one of the bigger problems in this country, the divorce rate. And while I could rant on and on about this I am going to say that as women we should stick together!
Don’t be a hater and please don’t ever and I mean ever sleep with another woman’s husband, boyfriend or fiancé! It’s deplorable! How would you like it if she did the same thing to you? And for God’s sake don’t listen to his whining about how rotten she is or that she never has sex with him, since we all know he just doesn’t feel like putting any effort into his relationship. He would rather look to you or some other female sucker to save him from his pathetic life. Please don’t let him get away with this.
Don’t allow yourself to imagine that you have found true love with this type of person or indulge in the fantasy that he just needs the, “right” woman because if he goes from one relationship to you with very little space in between he has serious emotional problems and needs a good talking to by a qualified therapist, especially if he has cycled through a lot of relationships in the past where he always blames the break-up on his significant other. If in addition you notice that he moves in with his parents while on respite from his previous relationship, run, don’t walk to the nearest exist sign. And remember that to him everyone is expendable and every relationship is just another pit-stop on his path towards his perfect woman, don’t add yourself to the list. Don’t forget that his involvement with you makes him a liar in the eyes of everyone else in his life. Don’t assume you will avoid the same fate when you get involved with him. Liars will not change their ways out of love for you. Please don’t let him get away with hurting someone else because you need someone to love, especially when you know it isn’t love. This loser can’t live alone and will cling on to anyone who buys his bullshit. Kindly excuse yourself and put a big scarlet L next to his name in your address book. Remember the only person he should be intimate with is his partner.
I know to most of us criminal behavior would indicate a man is a loser and prison inmates should be number one on your list of men to avoid. If you are so hard up for a relationship that you feel you must associate with criminals to get love, might I suggest you seek the counsel of a qualified psychotherapist to have your head examined before you decide to take any other actions suggested here. Just say no. Just stay lonely. Trust me on this!
If someone is in prison their criminal behavior is obvious, but what about behavior that is not so obvious and frequently accepted as not being so criminal, like stealing things from work, or doing illegal drugs, or driving while intoxicated or not paying child support? Is this the type of person you really want to associate with?
Do they live with their parents in between relationships?
How many jobs have they had in the last 10 years?
How many marriages have they had?
Do they practice serial monogamy?
Do they exaggerate their life style, financial means or social status?
Have you caught them in a lie or more than one?
Do they constantly complain about their lives, bills, jobs, responsibilities?
Do they have a poor-me, victim mentality?
Does it seem nothing is ever their fault and someone else is always to blame?
Do they expect you to care for their children during visitations?
Do their children seem clingy or needy?
Do they always want to drink or party?
Do they play computer games, watch TV or indulge in excessive amounts of pornography?
Do they never offer to help you do the dishes, fix meals or clean the house?
How do they treat their parents, especially their mothers. are they cruel?
How do they treat animals?
How do they treat waiters or waitresses?
Do they have any close friends of the same sex?
Do they expect you to care for them while they do nothing for you?
Do they speak to you in any way that is demeaning or degrading?
Do they speak about others in derogatory terms?
Do they minimize your concerns in life?
Can they go for a significant amount of time, (a month or more) without a drink?
Do they seem to complain a lot about members of the opposite sex?
Do they lash out at others in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable?
In fact anytime you don’t feel totally comfortable with the person you are dating or sleeping with you should have a second look at the relationship. Relationships are meant to be mutually beneficial not one sided. The parties should help each other to feel good, about themselves, not shitty. So if you are feeling uncomfortable a lot of the time, rethink it. There is a wonderful man out there dying to meet you, so free yourself up!
Is he a cheap-skate-penny-pinching-bastard who nickels and dimes every purchase?
Is he one of those guys who sits on a the barstool most weekend nights spending his extra income on liquor, buying scratch off tickets and being mesmerized by that quik pick lotto ball thingy?
I went out with both of these types and let me tell you I was not the apple of their eyes. The first one always thought the world was out to get him and the second one thought the world owed him a big pot of money! Both were emotionally unavailable, insensitive, immature and selfish. If I had paid attention to seemingly “normal” behavior and realized it wasn’t compatible with what I wanted I would have saved myself a lot of time!
As a woman I am mostly disappointed by the behavior of other women who I’d like to call my sisters. Why do we let losers into our lives? Why do we accept any man just to say we have one? Why do we rationalize character flaws? Why do we worship men and relationships more than we worship ourselves?
Let’s unite and set a new standard for men. Let’s raise the bar and ask to be treated the way we deserve to be, like the Goddesses we are!
We are not maids!
We are not doormats!
We are not punching bags!
We are not sounding boards!
We are not one-night-stands!
We are not everyone’s mother!
We are not victims!
They only reason men treat us as if we are, is because we let them. That’s right, I said it, we let them! I’ll let you in on a little secret, they need us more than we need them. It’s true, but as long as we go along letting them believe we can’t live without them, they will continue to think they are the commodity and I am here to open your eyes and your minds and inform you that you are the commodity. You are more precious than you can ever imagine and you deserve to be loved and treated with respect and dignity and that starts when you decide to weed out the losers in your life!