Obviously, I am interested in relationships and dating. One of my interests is internet dating. I personally have had experiences that led me to label that endeavor fruitless, however I am sure their are some people, (rare exceptions) who find and meet a great partner. So I wondered if my ads were poorly written. I decided to cull female personals to see what other women were saying. Well I found one on Craigslist, (not the best place to post an ad), which I feel is an example of what NOT to say when you are looking to make a connection with a man.
It was entitled: 143 Reasons That I Will Be The Best Girlfriend You’ve Ever Had
I will not post the entire list, first because it was painful to read and second because its just so f**king long, but I did post my translations of her statements. She starts off by saying, “I’m reposting this because I got some really awesome responses. (I added some!) Please note: this is an ad for a people who are looking for a possible girlfriend, if that is the farthest thing from your mind please head to the next post or the NSA section!”
I am sure she got some awesome responses, but Good God I can only imagine who responded! I would say that if you are serious about having a relationship with someone this ad is an example of what not to say:
1. I don’t like to snuggle everytime we bang.
~Translation: most of the time you can just fuck me & roll over and go to sleep when your done
2. Sex isn’t always love-making to me. Sometimes its just wild, sweaty monkey fucking. It’s cool.
~Translation: I think most guys don’t like foreplay and that’s fine with me, as long as your happy
3. I’m short so I will always be able to look up at you
~Translation: You’re a God I will worship
15. Like you, I am scared of commitment
~Translation: I really want a commitment, but know you might be a commitment phobe, so I’ll tell you what you want to hear
40. I give heart-felt (sometimes homemade)gifts.
~Translation: I’m sweet. I will go out of my way to please you
41. I don’t hold grudges.4
~Translation: if you cheat on me or lie to me I will forgive you
42. I will love your penis
~Translation: So bring it!
54. I give supreme oral.
~Translation: One of her selling points
57. I’m not opposed to having a hump-session anytime anywhere.
~Translation: I’m at your service
59. I like you to poke me in the butt in the morning
~Translation: I’m at your service
61. You can pee while I’m brushing my teeth.
~Translation: I have no personal boundries
67. My first boyfriend used to hit me and then he cheated, so I’ve learned to stand up for myself.
~Translation: I’m co-dependent and waiting to be targeted by you
70. I would sneak into your office and give you desk head.
~Translation: I’ll say anything to get you to date me
71. I would fax you my ass.
~Translation: You can show your friends and co-workers a picture of my ass
73. I can cook, clean, bake and I’ll drink a beer while doing it.
~Translation: I am the perfect woman
78. I don’t need fancy things to have a good time.
~Translation: I have low expectations
79. I don’t care what we are doing as long as its with you.
~Translation: I’m co-dependent
81. I’ll initiate sex.
~Translation: You never have to work to get laid
82. I get free condoms from school.
~Translation: You don’t even have to worry about contraception. I will take care of everything for you.
87. I only need to see you 2-3 times a week.
~Translation: I’m a co-dependent
88. I only need a 2-10 minute phone call everyday. (Make sure you’re okay. I worry!)
~Translation: I will use the excuse that I am worried to be up your ass on a daily basis
91. I am a bio student and I know all about anatomy. (ie. I know where the good parts are)
~Translation: I will use my education for your benefit, I’m gonna sex you up!
92. I will hang out in your clothes to keep your smell close to me (it wont be your gym clothes though, sorry.)
~Translation: You will be my life
93. I won’t put girlie things into your bathroom/shower/room
~Translation: You don’t need to make space for me in your world, I won’t be any trouble. I will be invisible.
96. I won’t burden you with my PMS problems
~Translation: You should never have to think about my body cause it’s all about your convenience.
13. I can’t get pregnant unless I want to. (sex all the time!)
~Translation: I will be your fuck puppet
117. I won’t go out all night without letting you know and let you freak out.
~Translation: I hope you are as co-dependent as I am
118. I’ll call when I say I will. (or text in lieu of calling if I’m still occupied)
~Translation: I like be kept on a short leash
119. I won’t text you while you are out with your friends
~Translation: Do whatever you want, my needs are your needs
I think this ad is so many shades of wrong it hurts to read. Plus my sympathy goes out to anyone who feels they must extoll their sexual virtues to get a date. This is just too much information of the wrong kind. Do you think I am being to harsh or is this ad in need of revision?