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Archive for February, 2008

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Winter is seeming very long and cold this year and I can’t stop thinking about going to the ocean for some R & R, but I would like to go to a nice place, a new place. I would like to sit under the sun and look at blue water. I would like to hear the sound of the waves and smell the salt air, and perhaps drink something exotic like a pina colada. I would like to do this for about a month, but who has that kind of free time? So I have been investigating ocean get-aways. My wandering has led me to places I know I will not go or places that are known to be the “worst beach destinations”.

Unless I want to swim with sharks I think I will avoid Africa and Australia where they seem to be abundant:

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Just look at the size of his mouth, I think he could swallow that guy whole! I have always been fascinated with sharks, but have never wanted to swim with them. This photo was taken of a shark in South Africa.

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If I decide to vacation in Japan I could be swimming with the species known as the frilled shark, well I wouldn’t exactly be swimming with him, but he would be down there in deep, deep water hiding. He really looks like something prehistoric, doesn’t he? I could see him up close at Japan’s Awashima Marine Aquarium. He’s kind of freaky!

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I would not want to be caught alone with this fellow who looks like he could eat a lot. So I am figuring I will NOT go where there are sharks!

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I also think at this point I will avoid dirty beaches like this one in Virginia or this one in New York

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But most of all I think I will avoid China where it seems the idea of sunning yourself has been shunned in favor of Mcdonalds Umbrella advertising

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Where is the pleasure in that? Whoa!

So my search continues!

And I can still fantasize:

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Before you say anything, before you act irrationally make sure you are correct. If your gut is telling you that your spouse or significant other is cheating you can catch them. All you need is a little money and a little ingenuity and the ~pardon the expression~ the balls to get the job done. Oh yes, now anyone can become their own private detective. You can even use the same equipment a PI would use and once you have it you can always feel secure knowing you have made an investment in cheating detection!

I was reading a news article today and it cautioned, “Texters Beware” the writer reported on a new device that can copy anyone’s sim card and deliver the results of their texts on your computer. The device is small enough to hide in the palm of your hand and looks like a USB drive.

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It’s called a cell phone spy data extractor and can be found on the Brickhouse Security Website. So I went to the website myself and found some other dandy devices that I believe are invaluable for detecting infidelity. First there are many, many different types of GPS units that can track your mates driving activities. They are easy to install and easy to track, although some come with monthly plans to do up to the minute tracking. There are also reviews by users of the devices that tout their reliability.

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The most interesting item I found at the website was something called a “sex test”

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With CheckMate, you can experiment with you loved one’s underpants to see if they have semen stains inside. The website even provides a silent youtube video to watch how the test is performed. They say that if left unwashed under garments can be tested for years!

I’m wondering how many people would use this homemade spy stuff to catch a cheater or if you ever have. What is your opinion on using it. Please do tell.

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Spiders on Drugs

 This is a cute video about the affect that drugs can have on spiders and their web-building abilities! Enjoy!

 

Vodpod videos no longer available. from www.youtube.com posted with vodpod

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Have a Happy Period . . .

I don’t know about you, but as I get older that time of the month feels like I’m anticipating impending doom. I can’t sleep. I cry for no reason at all, my head aches and well it feels like I have a basketball in my uterus. Also my thinking process isn’t very clear and I knew something was totally wrong when last night as I lay awake crying and flipping through the channels these words popped into my head with the associated visual:

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And I thought what the fuck, isn’t a “happy period” an oxymoron? And then another thought popped in and was directed at Proctor and Gamble:

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Then this morning as I was pathologically, hormonally unable to process the tiniest idea, much less write about anything I realized it had already been written for me by Wendi Aarons. If you haven’t already read this open letter to James Thatcher, Brand Manager of Proctor and Gamble I hope you enjoy it, if you have may you enjoy it again!

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years, and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core™ or Dri-Weave™ absorbency, I’d probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I’d certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can’t tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there’s a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from “the curse”? I’m guessing you haven’t. Well, my “time of the month” is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I’ll be transformed into what my husband likes to call “an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.” Isn’t the human body amazing?

As brand manager in the feminine-hygiene division, you’ve no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers’ monthly visits from Aunt Flo. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it’s a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend’s testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey’s Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in capri pants. Which brings me to the reason for my letter.

Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: “Have a Happy Period.”

Are you fucking kidding me?

What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness—actual smiling, laughing happiness—is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you’re some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything “happy” about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlúa and lock yourself in your house just so you don’t march down to the local Walgreens armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory. For the love of God, pull your head out, man. If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn’t it make more sense to say something that’s actually pertinent, like “Put Down the Hammer” or “Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong”? Or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your accounting department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit. And that’s a promise I will keep. Always.

Best,

Wendi Aarons
Austin, TX

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I don’t usually do Memes, but I was at Book Babie’s Blog and she had this really great idea, so I decided to participate and below is the full copy and paste of her post. I will still break the rules here, (as I usually do) and tell you if you want to do this please join in and link to me or her or yourself. I have to say this was really hard, and it was especially hard because I had a lot of them, but most sounded like instructions or advice rather than a six word memoir and some of the ideas came from quotes I had read so at the end of this you will find the one I settled on with a picture as well. This was fun and even if you don’t want to post yours try it and see what happens!

So here’s her original post:

As I read yet another book review of a memoir this weekend, my husband told me that I should write one. I said that my story would be much too short and rather boring so when I ran across the following book I decided it was just my speed. A six word memoir! Written by Larry Smith and Rachel Fershleiser, Not Quite What I was Planning: Six Word Memoirs by Famous and Obscure is a compilation based on the story that Hemingway once bet ten dollars that he could sum up his life in six words. His words were- For Sale: baby shoes, never worn. There’s a video on Amazon with examples from the book, it sounds like a fun read! I’d like to start a six word memoir meme and here are the rules:

1. Write your own six word memoir

2. Post it on your blog and include a visual illustration if you’d like

3. Link to the person that tagged you in your post and to this original post if possible so we can track it as it travels across the blogosphere

4 .Tag five more blogs with links

5. And don’t forget to leave a comment on the tagged blogs with an invitation to play!

Here is my 6 Word Memoir:

I’m A Stranger to These Parts

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I think people may have mixed feelings about Andy Rooney. I don’t know much about him myself, but someone sent me an email with some quotes of his and I liked them so I thought I would post them today, since they make sense to me and I have also learned these things over the years!

I’ve learned…. That the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person. 

I’ve learned…. That when you’re in love, it shows. 

I’ve learned…. That just one person saying to me, ‘You’ve made my day!’ makes my day. 

I’ve learned…. That having a child fall asleep in your arms is one of the most peaceful feelings in the world. 

I’ve learned…. That being kind is more important than being right. 

I’ve learned…. That you should never say no to a gift from a child. 

I’ve learned…. That I can always pray for someone when I don’t have the strength to help him in some other way. 

I’ve learned…. That no matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with. 

I’ve learned…. That sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart to understand. 

I’ve learned…. That life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes. 

I’ve learned…. That we should be glad God doesn’t give us everything we ask for. 

I’ve learned…. That money doesn’t buy class. 

I’ve learned…. That it’s those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.

I’ve learned… That under everyone’s hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved. 

I’ve learned…. That to ignore the facts does not change the facts. 

I’ve learned…. That when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you. 

I’ve learned…. That love, not time, heals all wounds. 

I’ve learned…. That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people smarter than I am. 

I’ve learned…. That everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile. 

I’ve learned…. That opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss. 

I’ve learned…. That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere. 

I’ve learned…. That one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eat them. 

I’ve learned…. That a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks. 

I’ve learned…. That when your newly born grandchild holds your little finger in his little fist, that you’re hooked for life. 

I’ve learned…. That everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you’re climbing it. 

I’ve learned…. That the less time I have to work with, the more things I get done.

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Okay, so I will admit it. I watch the National Geographic Chanel, sometimes, and last night a show caught my attention it was called, Extreme Genes, here is the show description:

Rabbits that glow in the dark, custom-grown human livers and mice that regenerate: the creations of modern genetics are far from ordinary. Follow along as Extreme Genes takes you inside an amazing world of engineering, biotechnology, robotics and regenerative medicines. Here, scientists test the limits of nature every day as they work to genetically engineer plants and animals that will improve our world.”

Here’s a picture of a chicken created in a laboratory:

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He’s pretty cute, huh? They rationalize creating such a bird by saying,

Featherless chickens could be the future of mass poultry farming in warmer countries, says an Israeli geneticist who has created a bare-skinned “prototype”. The new chicken would be lower in calories, faster-growing, environmentally friendly, and more likely to survive in warmer conditions, claims Avigdor Cahaner of the Hebrew University of Jerusalem. He created his red-skinned chicken by selectively crossing a breed with a naturally bare neck with a regular broiler chicken.”

I guess as long as it’s lower in calories the US will jump on board. Oh, and how do you make a chicken environmentally friendly? The other benefits would be found in mass production, because it would save on plucking, which uses a lot of water and because broilers are bred so big now they generate a lot of heat which creates the need for air conditioning to cool them down, their lack of feathers saves on electricity! Chicken farmers think that feathers are a waste! It was also mentioned that these chickens would be great for developing countries because they can be still be gigantic without over heating in the sun. But they say that featherless chickens suffer more than their non-mutant counter parts, they get sunburn, the males can’t mate because the can’t flap their wings and they are more susceptible to parasites and mosquito bites.

I agree with this statement:

The chicken is “disgusting”, says Joyce D’Silva of Compassion in World Farming. “It’s a prime example of sick science and the suggestion that it would be an improvement for developing countries is obscene. Factory farming is such an inappropriate technology for developing countries because it uses scarce resources like water, electricity and grain that could be used for human consumption, to produce meat that only the middle classes can afford.”

The whole premise makes me glad I don’t eat meat. I am not sure these scientists have even considered what happens when humans ingest genetically altered meat of any kind. Chickens are not the only animals being altered, they have created giant cows that weigh up to one ton, giant salmon and they have actually altered the way some pigs shit. Yeah, it seems pig manure produces a by product that is so bad for the environment that when it leeches into the water supply it becomes a hazard, so they have developed pigs who no longer excrete the by product, but instead digest it.

So you tell me, if they can do all these things with animals will humans be next? Using stem cells they can grow livers and skin and even new bone. I am not sure how I feel about that, but I know the mutant animal thing icks me a lot. They are also experimenting with human genes in animals, like cows who they milk for blood to create human antibodies for disease. It’s all fucking fascinating in a science fiction sort of way, but it doesn’t feel right to me. Plus I think if science can do this and show it on TV then what aren’t they showing us? Inquiring minds want to know . . .

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