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Archive for March, 2008

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We, the unwilling, led by the unknowing, are doing the impossible for the ungrateful. We have done so much, for so long, with so little, we are now qualified to do anything with nothing.
Mother Teresa

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LOVE EACH DAY!

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LOVE EACH DAY!

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LOVE EACH DAY! LOVE EACH OTHER!

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It was hard to choose just 11,  but anymore would have been hard on the eyes! They are in no particular order and could be offensive to the un-twisted mind, bare with me!  This is humor week wrap up I hope you were amused. I had a lot of fun creating it. Next week I will update you on the flood with photos and all! I bet you can’t wait!

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The Infamous Camel Toe and the Many Names for it! Just cracked me up!

 

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The Way Some of Us Alleviate Stress!

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When she sent it she said she remembered me taking this guy home one night! I have no recollection of the incident!

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Ha! Ha! I am not sure why I think this is funny, I just do!

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It’s all in the look on her face!

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We have this inside joke about David Hasselhoff and his posing with Shar-pei puppies put us over the edge.

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Fucking Hilarious!

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Do you see what I mean, it’s demented and still I laughed when I got it!

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Was told to send this to my X! Very Tempting!

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I didn’t see her shit, but I could image it!

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Saved the best for last! Aren’t my friends wonderful!

 

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To My Dear Wife,

During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeded 36 times, which is an average of once every 10 days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:

54 times the sheets were clean

17 time it was too late

49 times you were too tired

20 times it was too hot

15 times you pretended to be asleep

22 times you had a headache

17 times you were afraid of waking up the baby

16 times you said you were too sore

12 it was the wrong time of the month

19 times you had to get up early

9 times you said you weren’t in the mood

7 times you were sunburned

6 times you were watching the late show

5 times you didn’t want to mess up your new hairdo

3 times you said the neighbors would hear us

9 times you said your mother would hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed the activity was not satisfactory because:

6 times you just laid there

8 times you reminded me there’s a crack in the ceiling

4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with

7 times I had to wake you up and tell you I finished

1 time I was afraid I hurt you because I felt you move

T o My Dear Husband,

I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn’t get sex more often:

5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat

36 times you did not come home at all

21 times you didn’t cum

33 times you came too soon

19 times you went soft before you got in

38 times you worked too late

10 times you got cramps in your toes

29 times you had to get up early to play golf

2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls

4 times you got it stuck in your zipper

3 times you had a cold and your nose was running

2 times you had a splinter in your finger

20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day

6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book

98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, etc. on TV

Of the times we did get together, the reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets. I wasn’t talking about the crack in the ceiling. What I said was, ” Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?” The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.

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This is one of the funniest videos yet! It’s great because he goes thru all the years of music and then the popular dance associated with it. Plus he’s really cute too. I like to watch this if I am feeling a little funky. It’s long but worth it and it will definitely make you smile at least once! Enjoy!

Vodpod videos no longer available. from youtube.com posted with vodpod

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Yup, today’s my birthday, but that doesn’t mean humor week will be coming to a screeching halt, it just means I had to mention it. It’s kind of funny too because I am giving myself a very expensive gift. I am not sure how it happened and I really didn’t plan it this way but coincidentally today is the day a bunch of men will be jack-hammering a hole in my basement floor to let the water out. It is the first day since March 8th that I won’t have to shop vac, at least I don’t think I will and I am so relieved. So Happy Birthday to me!

And now Today’s funny little piece, it’s an Employee Evaluation I found. I think it must have been passed around at my place of work years ago. Feel free to use it to evaluate others!!

 

Employee Evaluation Form

 

Name: ___________________________                   Date: _____________________

 

 

Knowledge:

  • The Son of a bitch really knows his shit.
  • Knows just enough to be dangerous.
  • Only half a brain and is dangerous.
  • Fucking brain damaged. His Coffee cup has a higher IQ.

Accuracy:

  • Does Excellent work if not preoccupied with pussy.
  • Pretty good only occasionally blows it out his ass.
  • Has to take off his shoes to count higher than 10.
  • Couldn’t count his balls and get the same number twice.

Attitude:

  • Extremely cooperative – if you kiss his ass frequently.
  • Brown noser in good standing.
  • Often pisses off co-workers – thinks he owns the place.
  • Doesn’t give a shit – never did – never will.

Reliability:

  • Really a dependable little cock-sucker.
  • Works so hard that he must take an extra day off each week.
  • Can rely on him to be the first one out the door.
  • Totally fucking worthless.

Appearance:

  • Extremely neat. Even combs his pubic hair.
  • Looks great on his days off.
  • Flies leave fresh dog shit to follow him.
  • Dirty, Filthy, Smelly, Son-of-a-bitch.

Performance:

  • Goes like a motha-fucka if there is money in it for him.
  • Does all kinds of good shit at evaluation time.
  • Works well after an enema.
  • Couldn’t do less if he were in a coma.

Leadership:

  • Carries a chainsaw and gets good results.
  • Macho attitude. Commands total disgust.
  • Dog fasted 3 days last time he brought home pork chops.
  • Mother Teresa told him to get fucked.

 

Employee must read and sign acknowledgment below:

 

I understand that I have been counseled and understand my rights under the privacy act of 1974. I further acknowledge that I am as fucked up as a football bat and I will make some attempt to correct my deficiencies.

 

 

Employee Signature                                                                                        Date

 

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So Which Condom Would You Chose?

I am declaring this week, Humor Week, since my basement will be under construction and I certainly won’t have the time or inclination to write anything substantial. In my quest to clean out the basement I came across a collection of old, sometimes not-so-p.c. humor. I will be posting it this week for your amusement. I hope it makes you laugh, smile, or at the very least grin!

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So without further ado which condom would you choose?

Nike Condoms ~ Just Do It.

Toyota Condoms ~ Oh What a feeling.

Diet Pepsi Condoms ~ You go the right one, baby.

Pringles Condoms ~ Once you pop, you cant stop.

Mentos Condoms ~ The Freshmaker.

Flintstones Vitamins Condoms Pack ~ Ten Million Strong and Growing.

Secret Condoms ~ Strong enough for a man, but pH balanced for a woman.

Macintosh Condoms ~ It does more, it costs less, it’s that simple.

Ford Condoms ~ The best never rest.

Chevy Condoms ~ Like a Rock.

Blockbuster Condoms ~ Go home happy.

Dial Condoms ~ Aren’t you glad you use it? Don’t you wish everybody did?

New York Lotto Condoms ~ Cause Hey – you never know.

California Lotto Condoms ~ Who’s Next?

Subway Condoms ~ The way a sandwich should be.

Avis Condoms ~ Trying harder than ever.

KFC Condoms ~ Finger-licking Good.

Coca Cola Condoms ~ Always the real deal.

Maxwell House Condoms ~ Good to the last drop.

Lays Condoms ~ Betcha can’t have just one.

Campbell’s Soup Condoms ~ Mmm, mmm, good.

General Electric Condoms ~ We bring good things to life.

AT&T condoms ~ Reach out and touch someone.

America Online Condoms ~ No wonder it’s number one.

Bounty Condoms ~ The quicker picker upper.

Microsoft Condoms ~ Where do you want to go today?

Energizer Condoms ~ It keeps going and going and going . . .

M & M Condoms ~ It melts in your mouth, not in your hands!

Taco Bell Condoms ~ Get some, make a run for the border.

MCI Condoms ~ For Friends and family.

Doublemint Condoms ~ Double your pleasure, double your fun!

Big Red Condoms ~ Make it last a little longer.

The Sears Latex Condom ~ One coast is good for the entire winter.

Delta Airlines Condoms Travel Pack ~ Delta is ready when you are.

United Airlines Condoms Travel Pack ~ Fly United.

The Star Trek Condom ~ To boldly go where no man has gone before.

Southwestern Airlines Condoms ~ Friends fly free!

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I love these!

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Happy Easter!

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