Archive for May, 2008

I Got a New Toy!

And no it wasn’t another vibrator. A girl has got to have some fun outside of the bedroom. A girl has got to be well rounded. A girl has got to be informed about every new kitchen gadget that drops out of the sky. But more importantly a girl has got to have fun! And sometimes getting a new toy is like having an orgasm, only different! Especially if that new toy delivers hot shots of caffeine in minutes flat! I think you know what I’m talking about!

You see and I am admitting it openly here, my coffee sucks! I don’t know why, it just does and no matter how hard I work at it I cannot make the perfect cup. Maybe it’s those stupid scoops or the amount of water I use or the fact that I can’t measure twice and cut once, but it’s gosh darn frustrating, and honestly kind of gross to drink self made swill every morning of the week, unless I treat myself to a Starbucks, which isn’t often because I don’t feel like driving over there!

Enter the age of the in house coffee machine. It hums. It glows blue in the dark. It measures. It decants the perfect cup-o-Joe every single time and it does in seconds flat. Who could ask for anything more? I know this isn’t a new concept and the thing has been hanging around in kitchen stores longer than horny housewives, but I’ve been fighting it! I didn’t want to be hooked into buying “their coffee”. I thought Oh, it’s just another gimmick to get you hooked in and then you’re dumb stuck and what if you can’t find the refills? Holy Hell it was another nightmare in second guessing and stomping my foot down about parting with money!

Was I ever wrong. Sick and tired of measuring, sick and tired of dumping dirty grinds, sick and tired of washing the pot, I did a little research and fell in love with the Keurig. Mostly because it glows blue and has silver accents replete with a star cut-out where I place my cup and watch while it fills it. It’s a miracle of modern technology. Oh and it’s fun to play with, did I mention that? I’ve been playing with it since last night, no, not all night, I’ve got other toys for that!

So here it is:

I think I’ll go fill another cup!

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“But Buddha, what if he’s a really, really nice guy that really, really loves me, and I’m just not feeling it for him, shouldn’t I just go out with him anyway and hope my feelings change?”

“No Grasshopper, you should not force yourself to love someone just because they love you, it will never work it is not natural!”

“But Buddha, I am so screwed up inside that I don’t know who to fall in love with anymore, every single guy I have ever dated has been a total loser and all of my relationships have failed, horribly. How can I trust myself to know who is right for me? I am afraid I will be alone forever and ever?”

“Well Grasshopper I don’t know what to tell you except get off your ass, stop feeling sorry for yourself and get a life. For only when you truly know what you want will you be able to answer your own question. Oh, and stop wanting it so bad you sound pathetic and it’s a big turn off. No wonder you pick losers! Come back when you have gained knowledge.”

I guess he told her! Sometimes it’s easier to just hear it straight! No coy disguises, no words of wisdom cloaked in parables about frogs. It is what it is. I bring this up today because those thoughts have crossed my mind in the past and lately I have reminisced about the good ones that got away. The good men that is. I have often chosen, “bad boys”, you know the ones who can’t love, the ones who think the planets revolve around them? Yeah, the ones who are far more screwed up than I will ever be, but who have figured out a way to navigate nice girls so they always end up on top in the end and then walk away leaving me to feel fucked-up and broken, my wittle heart fallen to pieces on the floor.

But what about those super nice guys who shower me with presents and gaze into my eyes as if the answer to their prayers could be found somewhere in their transparent blue. They find a reason to touch my hand when what they really want is to touch my heart and it makes me want to puke. They chisel away and poke and prod while I run like the dickens to the nearest restroom and call my girlfriend with a signal to get me the hell out of there!

This must be what it feels like to men on the receiving end of my love-lust and I am appalled to even mention it, but it has occurred to me and has even prompted me to think about forcing myself to date guys I am NOT attracted to. What is that about? Have I lost hold of my senses? Have my instinctual mating rhythms gone completely haywire? Or am I simply hard-up? I think we all know the answer to that question.

Being hard-up is not a platform from which to begin a relationship, it simply cannot be. I am not sure what to say about the timing of life and love, or what another day will bring, but I am sure about that one thing and so I won’t second guess myself and I won’t keep making the same mistakes over and over again. I just listen to the Buddha!

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more about “A Dose of Reality“, posted with vodpod

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My favorite definition of whining or to whine in the online dictionary is, “to snivel or complain in a peevish, self-pitying way” and the illustration above is a visual representation of what goes on in my head most days, unless I am high on coffee or listening to music or distracting myself on bizarre shopping sprees. It’s a kind of fatty, skinny, good cop, bad cop dialogue, the purpose of which is unknown. I do know it happens even when I am not paying attention to it. My 2 egos, the narcissist and the sadist, around 24/7, to duke it out in a battle of meaningless bullshit that will endure long after the cows come home! And so instead of being graced with one enormous ego, I have 2, who can never agree on anything and vacillate whenever a decision has to be made. Argue, argue, argue, fight, fight, fight. Even when I am not living in drama it’s going on inside my head, cause I love to spice things up, but the pandemonium is deafening. Combine that with the fact that I can’t spell and well, it’s confusing! And if you think this is bad you should have seen me 10 years ago, a misshapen pie of denial and self-pity that would drown even the deepest swimming fish. Not knowing what is going on in your own mind is freakish, but knowing can be worse, because once you know you have to do something about it. Don’t you?

Since I can ignore it some of the time can I not ignore it the rest of the time too? I am NOT talking about ignoring it by distraction. I am talking about ignoring it by realizing it exists and then choosing not to pay attention to it. You know I could say, “Oh, it’s you 2 again what is it this time?” And after that I can embrace the realization that it isn’t me, but just my wacky ego’s trying to get some attention in the meaningless zone of senselessness. Because it’s never really anything so important or even life altering and it’s certainly nothing new because I have heard it all before. Maybe it’s time I stop giving credence to the bully’s and angels in my head!

As the Buddha has said. “All that we are is a result of what we have thought.”

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And today we hear from the Dali Lama! It’s deep!

For as long as space endures, and for as long as living beings remain, Until then may I too abide to dispel the misery of the world.

Visualize every being as your own beloved mother or as another person for whom you have the utmost affection, someone who, for you embodies great kindness. Call up the feelings of affection that arise with regard to that person and then extend those feelings to every other being. Perceive that each being has been equally kind and loving to you.

How are we to guard the mind? We should use attentiveness to watch our thoughts and mindfulness to judge whether we are acting correctly. With these two we have the means to annihilate all adverse conditions.

Reflection on how everything is illusory and without a true existence prevents arrogance from arising. Opinionated views need strong wisdom as their remedy. In order to discard disturbing emotions you must follow the path of wisdom.

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This is not the confessional part of our program today, no it’s another fun and exciting program to play with when your bored and feel like having a little bit of fun. Above you will see my first cartoon. In general I am not that funny, and I wish I was, but I know the comedians out there who are filled with brazen, cheeky humor would love to get their hands on this little link, it’s called comic strip generator and if you are really creative or even if your not you can spending many hours creating meaningless funnies to share with your friends. I found this link on Bookbabies blog and I am always delighted to go there. She continually finds the best stuff on the web!

Okay now I’ve shared that it’s onto fessing up!

This is really hard to admit and I was thinking of making a “post secret” and never mentioning it at all, but I have promised myself that I would blog it all out on here even if it’s uncomfortable because admitting to something out loud or in writing helps me to pick it apart and I know I have a personal journal for that, but since I’ve been blogging I don’t use it too much.

You see, since my ex-husband left me, basically for another woman, I have not been able to get him the fuck out of my head. I had been seeing a therapist about this for sometime, but she being the upstanding, highly moral woman she was, said that many of the emotional problems I was having could be attributed to my physical health problems, (mainly thyroid, insulin and hormonal), and that I should stop seeing her until I got my “system” under control, and since I could not afford to pay her and pay for health insurance at the same time we decided it would be best for me to get the insurance. Which I have done and I have already written about the results of that and my plan is in action.

I initially went to see her because of my obsessive thinking process and my addiction to love. I wanted to learn how to change my thinking process and push the thoughts of my X, which were all consuming, all the time, out of my head and think about something else! She unlike other therapists believed in a method that is not about rehashing the past but changing your thinking right now, in the moment. Because the past is the past! And I learned a lot about re-focusing and changing my programming and living in the moment. This is the key to letting things go, but also in the moment I have a lot of anxiety and rage, but basically it’s shame for still missing someone who was so consistently rotten to me, but at the same time he was my touch stone. You know the one person in the whole world who you can tell anything to! I mean even that dark, dirty stuff that you NEVER admit to anyone. I have not shared some of this stuff with my best girlfriends and now that he is gone I feel like I have lost that forever and I am having the hardest, hardest time recovering from it.

Most of the time I just pretend he died. Yeah, it’s kind of morbid, but in a way he HAS died. He has disappeared off the face of the Earth never to be heard from again. Sometimes when I have a really difficult life situation to deal with I imagine what he would tell me to do and this helps a lot. See I am not very practical or logical and he was just the opposite. His emotions didn’t rule his decisions. I suppose he was like everyone else when they dole out advice, he could see things clearly because he wasn’t in the situation, so he had perspective, but also because he knew me better than anyone. I trusted him with everything and now I feel like such an asshole because none of it mattered to him at all. He is guilty of the ultimate betrayal and of course I can never forgive him for that, but forgive is what I must do. After all he is just as human as I am and he did what he had to do to live his life. I suspect it was incredibly hard for him to live with me and my neurosis day in and day out. I will never be sure why he thought he could handle it to begin with. I will never be sure why he asked me to marry him and now that he is married again I can see the sickness in him too, and everything becomes clearer.

I have come a long way from where I was a year ago and I am healing this, but even when I go for hours at a time without thinking about him, since a full day has yet to go by without my doing that, I dream about him at night. Sometimes weeks will go by without dreams and then they come on with a vengeance and of course the next day is filled with thoughts of him. This is a cycle that has been occurring regularly for me since he left in 2005 and I keep a dream journal. I keep wondering when it is going to stop. How long can we grieve for someone who is dead to us? Or will we ever stop grieving? I know I am not ready to date anyone else yet, but a distraction would be nice and it wouldn’t be fair to the person I was seeing. Certainly what I am doing is an experiment in healing because I have not just gone out with someone else. I have to wonder though if it would just be easier to do that, like he did. So I would not have to feel the pain of losing him. So I could bury the pain by focusing on someone besides myself, that’s what I have always done, but the fucked up thing is that I just can’t. I feel like something is/was missing in me for all those years and I am finally now just noticing it. I don’t want to jump ship before it all becomes clear, before I solve this thing once and forever. So I never have to experience it again!

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Do You Consider this Statutory Rape?

In other news today, it seems as if a teen has developed a solution that could diagnose and possibly cure the flu. You can read the full but short story at The National Post, just click on the blue line.

In the Good News today there was a story at Mercury News about a millionaire who decided to share his birthday with the homeless. He and his brother sold their company to Yahoo for 300 million and after they received their money they had a short list of how they wanted to spend it, of the 3 items, the last was “to do something nice for people who need help!” He also has plans to put his millions to good use. I love to read about someone who is really rich who gives it away to those who aren’t rolling in the dough. So the story put a smile on my face! Even if you don’t have a lot of money there are many ways to give to others. I have heard that it is better to give than to receive, in my experience that is very true.

In Amazingly smart animal news today we have a lovely parrot who was able to tell a veterinarian his owners name and address so they he could go home. The story comes from CNN. Now that’s a smart fellow. But I wonder if he like our friend the moose would mount a statue? And if he did would it be called statutory rape?

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