This is not the confessional part of our program today, no it’s another fun and exciting program to play with when your bored and feel like having a little bit of fun. Above you will see my first cartoon. In general I am not that funny, and I wish I was, but I know the comedians out there who are filled with brazen, cheeky humor would love to get their hands on this little link, it’s called comic strip generator and if you are really creative or even if your not you can spending many hours creating meaningless funnies to share with your friends. I found this link on Bookbabies blog and I am always delighted to go there. She continually finds the best stuff on the web!
Okay now I’ve shared that it’s onto fessing up!
This is really hard to admit and I was thinking of making a “post secret” and never mentioning it at all, but I have promised myself that I would blog it all out on here even if it’s uncomfortable because admitting to something out loud or in writing helps me to pick it apart and I know I have a personal journal for that, but since I’ve been blogging I don’t use it too much.
You see, since my ex-husband left me, basically for another woman, I have not been able to get him the fuck out of my head. I had been seeing a therapist about this for sometime, but she being the upstanding, highly moral woman she was, said that many of the emotional problems I was having could be attributed to my physical health problems, (mainly thyroid, insulin and hormonal), and that I should stop seeing her until I got my “system” under control, and since I could not afford to pay her and pay for health insurance at the same time we decided it would be best for me to get the insurance. Which I have done and I have already written about the results of that and my plan is in action.
I initially went to see her because of my obsessive thinking process and my addiction to love. I wanted to learn how to change my thinking process and push the thoughts of my X, which were all consuming, all the time, out of my head and think about something else! She unlike other therapists believed in a method that is not about rehashing the past but changing your thinking right now, in the moment. Because the past is the past! And I learned a lot about re-focusing and changing my programming and living in the moment. This is the key to letting things go, but also in the moment I have a lot of anxiety and rage, but basically it’s shame for still missing someone who was so consistently rotten to me, but at the same time he was my touch stone. You know the one person in the whole world who you can tell anything to! I mean even that dark, dirty stuff that you NEVER admit to anyone. I have not shared some of this stuff with my best girlfriends and now that he is gone I feel like I have lost that forever and I am having the hardest, hardest time recovering from it.
Most of the time I just pretend he died. Yeah, it’s kind of morbid, but in a way he HAS died. He has disappeared off the face of the Earth never to be heard from again. Sometimes when I have a really difficult life situation to deal with I imagine what he would tell me to do and this helps a lot. See I am not very practical or logical and he was just the opposite. His emotions didn’t rule his decisions. I suppose he was like everyone else when they dole out advice, he could see things clearly because he wasn’t in the situation, so he had perspective, but also because he knew me better than anyone. I trusted him with everything and now I feel like such an asshole because none of it mattered to him at all. He is guilty of the ultimate betrayal and of course I can never forgive him for that, but forgive is what I must do. After all he is just as human as I am and he did what he had to do to live his life. I suspect it was incredibly hard for him to live with me and my neurosis day in and day out. I will never be sure why he thought he could handle it to begin with. I will never be sure why he asked me to marry him and now that he is married again I can see the sickness in him too, and everything becomes clearer.
I have come a long way from where I was a year ago and I am healing this, but even when I go for hours at a time without thinking about him, since a full day has yet to go by without my doing that, I dream about him at night. Sometimes weeks will go by without dreams and then they come on with a vengeance and of course the next day is filled with thoughts of him. This is a cycle that has been occurring regularly for me since he left in 2005 and I keep a dream journal. I keep wondering when it is going to stop. How long can we grieve for someone who is dead to us? Or will we ever stop grieving? I know I am not ready to date anyone else yet, but a distraction would be nice and it wouldn’t be fair to the person I was seeing. Certainly what I am doing is an experiment in healing because I have not just gone out with someone else. I have to wonder though if it would just be easier to do that, like he did. So I would not have to feel the pain of losing him. So I could bury the pain by focusing on someone besides myself, that’s what I have always done, but the fucked up thing is that I just can’t. I feel like something is/was missing in me for all those years and I am finally now just noticing it. I don’t want to jump ship before it all becomes clear, before I solve this thing once and forever. So I never have to experience it again!