“But Buddha, what if he’s a really, really nice guy that really, really loves me, and I’m just not feeling it for him, shouldn’t I just go out with him anyway and hope my feelings change?”
“No Grasshopper, you should not force yourself to love someone just because they love you, it will never work it is not natural!”
“But Buddha, I am so screwed up inside that I don’t know who to fall in love with anymore, every single guy I have ever dated has been a total loser and all of my relationships have failed, horribly. How can I trust myself to know who is right for me? I am afraid I will be alone forever and ever?”
“Well Grasshopper I don’t know what to tell you except get off your ass, stop feeling sorry for yourself and get a life. For only when you truly know what you want will you be able to answer your own question. Oh, and stop wanting it so bad you sound pathetic and it’s a big turn off. No wonder you pick losers! Come back when you have gained knowledge.”
I guess he told her! Sometimes it’s easier to just hear it straight! No coy disguises, no words of wisdom cloaked in parables about frogs. It is what it is. I bring this up today because those thoughts have crossed my mind in the past and lately I have reminisced about the good ones that got away. The good men that is. I have often chosen, “bad boys”, you know the ones who can’t love, the ones who think the planets revolve around them? Yeah, the ones who are far more screwed up than I will ever be, but who have figured out a way to navigate nice girls so they always end up on top in the end and then walk away leaving me to feel fucked-up and broken, my wittle heart fallen to pieces on the floor.
But what about those super nice guys who shower me with presents and gaze into my eyes as if the answer to their prayers could be found somewhere in their transparent blue. They find a reason to touch my hand when what they really want is to touch my heart and it makes me want to puke. They chisel away and poke and prod while I run like the dickens to the nearest restroom and call my girlfriend with a signal to get me the hell out of there!
This must be what it feels like to men on the receiving end of my love-lust and I am appalled to even mention it, but it has occurred to me and has even prompted me to think about forcing myself to date guys I am NOT attracted to. What is that about? Have I lost hold of my senses? Have my instinctual mating rhythms gone completely haywire? Or am I simply hard-up? I think we all know the answer to that question.
Being hard-up is not a platform from which to begin a relationship, it simply cannot be. I am not sure what to say about the timing of life and love, or what another day will bring, but I am sure about that one thing and so I won’t second guess myself and I won’t keep making the same mistakes over and over again. I just listen to the Buddha!