“Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth.”
~Oscar Wilde
A wise friend once told me, that for the first year of every relationship you are not dating the person, you are dating their representative! Pretty funny, right? I believe this is fundamentally true. I think in love relationships as in life we all wear masks. Not to say that this is a bad thing. I mean we, most of us, would act differently around out mothers than we would around our closest friends and even our bosses and co-workers. This is how we navigate in society and while our primary M.O. is usually constant we are adaptable and able to change when circumstances require it. So it goes without saying that when we are dating we do what we can to make the best impression on a potential partner. Some people are better at this than others and it may take a lot longer to get to know those people than it does to get know people who are not so good at it.
I was told over and over again by my X and by my daughter in particular that I should try to be more like the former. I am too right out there with what I am thinking. I have often been told that I am TOO honest, if that’s even possible, and that I need to learn when to keep my mouth shut. In essence in “love” relationships, especially in the beginning less is more. But what the fuck is up with that? I am not good at coy disguises and I believe that being up front with someone is the most important quality a person can have, but you know, when you hear it from more than one person you start to question yourself and your primary beliefs and worse yet you start to question the true motivation of others. Am I dating him or his representative? Is it real or is it Memorex? Since I am up front and out there with everything almost right from the beginning, I unconsciously believe that everyone else is too! That for the most part people are as honest with me as I am with them and that simply is not true. Alternatively people who are secret keepers and who are less honest also believe that everyone else is like them and that must truly suck! In some ways dating is like a really long job interview and I was never too good at those either, telling more than was necessary of the truth and failing miserably as well. I think that is why I work for myself. I can’t stand bullshit artists and I simply don’t bullshit well, unless I have too, then I am a fabulous liar, but never in my personal life and I hate the idea that I have to alter my personality to be coy and mysterious when I’m not and eventually I will be found out, I mean eventually when you live with someone everything comes out doesn’t it? And wouldn’t you like to know everything sooner rather than later? I certainly would! Probably not on the first date or even the second or third, but definitely before I crawl into bed with you.
I was talking to another close friend about a surgery I am scheduled to have and before I chose a surgeon I interviewed 5 doctors and still I was afraid I had chosen the wrong one. I said, “What if my bad choice in men bleeds over into the way I choose surgeons?” Being the highly intelligent creature she is, (My friends are so smart), she said, “But you’ve done your homework, you’ve done the research, it’s sad, but true, that most people never do any research about their love interests or the people they date, they simply jump headlong into the relationship without finding out who they are with or what their track record is!” I found that answer to be a little bit of genius and I promised myself I would never get into another relationship with someone without doing my homework! It makes too much sense not to!
How do you know if you are dating him or his representative?
Well, pay attention. I’ll say it again pay attention. Peek behind the mask. Watch how he acts around friends, his mother, his children and if he isn’t willing to let you into that world where you can observe him, don’t let him into your pants! That is the mistake I have always made in the past, only to find out later that he treated his mother like shit and his home looked like an atom bomb went off inside spewing debris everywhere or I’ve seen the alternative where his home was so meticulous that he alphabetized his canned goods, it should have been a warning to me, but that warning came too late because I had already gotten too intimate too soon. For me and probably for most women, (not all), having sex equates to feeling really connected to someone and then the blinders go up because we want more and then it’s too late to nip it in the bud. So find out if you are dating him or his representative before you let the relationship get physical. It’s only good common sense, unless you just want to get laid and then it doesn’t really matter does it?
Round of applause… ((clapping))
I too have been told I am too honest and people know where they stand with me and probably know too much about me because I am upfront and to the point. As for the dating world, the wonderful dating world. It is complicated because you have to be a master mind of techniques or be a professional explorer. Sometimes we give too little, and they want more, or we gove too much and it is too fast. A win/win or lose / lose situation? I have gone on many , and I mean MANY first dates and after that either he or I or both just didn’t click… I had to rethink my judgements and decide for myself that you cannot click or get to know someone over one date, whether it be coffee, drinks or even a two hour dinner. So much is going on around you that can distract you and your behavior in public is a little different in every situation. I have had a guy whom I went on 8 wonderful dates with and then he fell off the face of the earth? was he not interested, but why have so many dates, or was he married? hard to know why some people do and act this way… dating must be the topic of the week… 🙂
Hi Sunshine! It is hard to know why people do what they do, at least you found out early on that he was someone who could not be counted on to “show-up” before you wasted anymore of your precious time. He was clearly using his representative! 🙂
a very good question indeed.
It’s good to ponder! 🙂
great article
Thank You!
Wow, I have never thought of this before…I guess this illustrates my dating problem right here: I’m too honest. I’m too much myself all the time. I never put up a ‘front’ or a ‘persona’, it’s just me. Hmmmm….maybe I should invent something so I can decieve someone into a few more dates…or even one would be nice…heeheee My dating life has hit such a drought, you could call it the Mojave Desert
I think it’s a “good” thing to be honest! And I would also like to say to never give up, if you really want it you will get it, there is no reason that you can’t. People have been known to find each other in the Mojave often looking for water or is that a “glassowater”. Ha Ha Get it?
A really interesting post…If i think things through I’m not really as honest as all of you. I feel that it’s not good to be so upfront with people because it leaves you vulnerable…You have to read between the lines if you want to find out what kind of person I am. Of course I don’t like to lie and for example I wouldn’t lie in a relationship, but I wouldn’t tell you everything about me, cause I think every man has the right to his secrets.
Hey Dreamer! I think you are being really honest by admitting that you are not as honest as the rest of us. I am not an advocate for telling someone everything up front, I think it’s more about not always being on your best behavior, you know? You can let them see your dark side. If that makes sense. I want to see the good, bad and ugly because we all have it, sometimes it takes longer to show up, but no one can maintain if forever. Everyone has secrets and we are entitled to them, but my highest ideal is to be with someone who open and willing to participate in full disclosure, eventually because if I can’t tell them why bother?
Now that I had more time to think about this…if your not upfront on who you are, and the other person cannot read between the lines and assumes ( which you should never do) he/she is dating someone who actually is a little different than the perception.. where does that leave you? I have said this before, I am too honest and sometimes that comes back to bite me you know where, but at least the person knows where I stand on things… is it worth being honest or not and give a false perception? Giving too much info is too much info…where do you draw the line and take a risk? Wouldn’t it be better if everyone was just plain honest and truthful….
It would be better if everyone was honest and truthful, and that isn’t always the case is it? Being honest about where you stand on things is taking care of yourself and at the same time we all do act differently when we first meet someone as opposed to when we have known them for 2 years at least that’s been my experience. The point is, that it could take longer to actually get to know someone then we previously anticipated it’s just a fact of life. You and I are included in this even though we are more honest because we all do it, just in different degrees!
I learned early on not to use my representative. He was always stealing my dates.
Hey Evyl! Why do I have the feeling that you have more than one representative? 😉
Every relationship needs to start with a careful due diligence of each other. It’s best if you’re honest from the start. You won’t give the other a false image of you, and will later disappoint because you weren’t exactly what he/she thought you were. It’s always a question of giving the right impression, right away.
I couldn’t agree with you more! 🙂
I look at meeting a woman and sharing time together as an adventure. No prep, no games, no expectations. Just be me and see what happens. The women like the atmosphere. They feel the casualness. I just pretend they are one of the guys.
As Long as you go into it like this, with the exception of pretending women are “one of the guys”, which they aren’t, you should have a great time! Good luck on your adventures!