Archive for the ‘blogging’ Category

I’ve been inspired to write again, at least today by another blog post I came across on Facebook. It’s called Single Dad Laughing and I am responding to a post he wrote called “The Cure for Perfection” I was deeply moved the response to his post and have sent him an email requesting he share my blog post, but either way I want to share it here as I believe it to be the one true thing I have learned. I am also sharing the links I have sent to him that have provided me with the most amount of self reflection, self growth and self love, helping me move out of fear into a place better suited for the perfect humans we already are!

So with out further ado here it is:

Hi Dan,

I didn’t follow the rules or guidelines you suggested. I never do. I hate rules of any kind, but I hope that you will repost this message because I have been very drawn to share it with your readers because the most important thing we can know at this time is that we are already perfect in everyway. When we come from a place of knowing that we are already perfect and keep reminding ourselves of that we are freed up to look deeper.

Perfection is all that can exist . . .

Nothing imperfect exists . . .

And no, I am not a swami . . .

So what does that mean? Does it mean we are perfect in our so called imperfection, yes! Does it mean that perfection is our continual state of being? Yes! I am writing to tell you that you are perfect exactly as you are now, every little ugly spot or bad mistake or error in judgment or rotten word you cursed at the guy going way too slow in front of you is perfection at it’s finest. Yup, you are perfect, so you can stop worrying about being any more perfect and start focusing on what makes you feel uncomfortable, what makes you afraid and that which you choose to change about yourself. You see the thing is, perfectionism is not the enemy, it could be a symptom of something you don’t want to look at, like smelly feet or a rotten tooth, but more likely it’s about being afraid, because fear my friend is the enemy. Fear of rejection, fear of failure, fear of the unknown, fear that your pizza will be burned on the bottom. Seriously, think about it. What have you feared today? Good Lord, make a list and you will see that fear is the ultimate buzz kill, because without it we would just roll along taking things as they come and dealing with them as they happen, not before, because the other half of it is projecting the fear of what could happen without ever really knowing that it could. This constant thinking and all knowing voice in your head that says it has all the answers, but we know differently, don’t we? Every single one of us has had a situation or two turn out exactly the opposite of what we projected and we’ve said to ourselves, “Wow, I never thought it would turn out like that!” And you were happily surprised. We have seen horrible, terrible situations like child abductions turn into causes that have saved the lives of thousands. Open your mind for a minute and you will see the past does not equal the future and your future can change in a minute by simply asking yourself one question, what am I afraid of? If that answer brings up more fear ask another, why am I afraid of that? The more questions you ask the more answers you will receive and so on and so on until a solutions is found, a lesson is learned and a deep knowing that perfection is all around us is embraced. When we take a concept like being perfect and turn it into the enemy at the gate we never, ever get to the truth. We, all of us, are afraid and that’s perfect too, because when we see that it’s just fear that holds us we can shine a light on what is really making us uncomfortable, confront it and then deal with it. But we gotta look at the ugly before we can see the beauty, and I can tell you I have seen a lot of ugly in my life. I have uncovered a lot of what I am afraid of and faced it square in the face. It ain’t easy, it isn’t pretty and it requires constant examination of my own thoughts, my own fears and what makes me tick. I have learned that I am perfect just as I am, with all my flaws and fear of failure and fear that you might read this and think I’m crazy or long winded or horrible at grammar, but I had to face that fear and share this with you because I am awed by your courage to ask for others to help others in a world of seeming strangers and often strangeness, that I see now as perfect and beautiful and with wild, endless possibilities. There is nothing that cannot be solved or worked through or used for the benefit of teaching others, helping others and showing compassion.  I would like to applaud you and send you this note of gratitude for reminding me how far I have come and for allowing me to share with you some resources that have helped me along the way with the hope that your voice and exposure will be the vehicle by which others can find them.


Journaling Resource: Julia Cameron, The Artist’s Way: http://www.theartistsway.com/

Maia Berens an extraordinary life coach: http://allaboutlifecoaching.com/

National Suicide Prevention Hotline: http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

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These words came to me last night and I am sharing them with you. May they have meaning in your life!

When the lighted path grows dim
hold a candle against the darkness
then speak my name
I will be there for you

When the flame flickers and dies
feel your way against the darkness
then call out my name
I will be there for you

When you can not feel your way
remember the lighted path
and whisper my name
I will be there for you

When you can not remember your way
imagine the path lighted before you
say my name
and I will be there for you
I will be there for you like a foothold
Even in your blackest night
Like a hand to shake you
to awaken you
for even when you slumber
I am here

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Kentucky shurbs . . .  dark spots littering the field, their green matched the green in my shirt. And I wonder, always wonder about the beauty of this land, even in it’s desolation, indeed sometimes because of it. What isn’t there leaves room for the imagination. Plus the land may let you down, but you never take it personal, you know? When crops fail you don’t think the land is trying to hurt you, you just think it is what it is, or you try blaming it on God or the universe or something, but you know that can’t really be true. And just by looking into a field I figured out that man invented God to have someone to blame shit on.

Hmmm . . .

Man invented God so he could have someone to blame shit on. It’s a theory I came up with on the first day of the first week I spent with the man I thought I loved, on a vacation that would end our relationship. But, it being the first day I was still in creative spirits. I was still in a place where the freedom to roam that I desperately sought was bestowed upon me by him through the company he worked for, and while I don’t think I ever really admitted it to him I realized a lot about myself and the world and travel, well motion, while I was stuck in a Hum-V with him, driving and driving for miles. I realized too that he was simply a catalyst for my transformation the same way one needs to strike flint or tinder or whatever the fuck. I mean he was like an ingredient that was a requirement.

Now, none of this can be seen while you are in the midst of it. It can only be observed afterward. After the pain wears off. After you realize it was one tiny stop over on the map of your destiny. A tiny spot that seemed really big and all consuming at the moment and the deal is, it felt like love. I mean true love, deep love, love without limits, but that is fucking bullshit isn’t it? Everything has limits, conditions, restrictions, except knowledge, except learning, except passion and there is love in all of these but it comes from within it is not gotten from someone but it can be bestowed upon them, it is a gift to be given an received and there are limits, self imposed, but limits just the same.

But what I learned about love didn’t/wasn’t realized on the trip necessarily, but some months after during a dormant period and alone time that for me was so painful to speak of it hurts right down the middle like a hole in my gut. He would never understand this because he didn’t have too, has never wanted to, at least not yet. And that makes me happy because I would not wish this feeling upon anyone, well that’s a lie, but I’ll get back to that another time. See the thing is he held pain too, experienced pain too and kind of talked about it, but not really. Like I’m a big man who won’t cry so I’ll just bitch about every fucking thing and wait for someone to see it’s pain or there is pain and maybe they will make it go away. Yup he was that guy, the one who was constantly looking to make the pain go away through others, but who would never actually open up for the healing, cuz when it got too deep he would just move on to the next and the next, a surface dweller. And the reason I know this is because I was that exact same way too and so I was attracted to him like a magnet, a fucking guided missile and I knew nothing good, well nothing, well I knew nothing of what our entanglement would bring . . . Ah co-dependancy, Ah lust, Ah the beauty of doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. It just goes on and on.

No on can write about it while they are in it and while they are in it, it feels really good and really bad at the same time. And no one can write about it until they have closure (a term by the way that I despise) I’m not sure I’ve ever had it in my life, but as I sit here facing a fire, under the threat of encroaching Autumn, beneath skies more cloud filled than blue I know more than I did before he and I were introduced. I know more about myself. I know more about life. I know more about relationships than I ever did before and I while I was in Kentucky I realized that man invented God so he would have someone to blame shit on?

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find a husband

Okay, Okay, now I have seen everything!

The writer says that women should market themselves and give themselves a “brand” like Proctor & Gamble. Holy Hell, what has this dating world come too? And how hard up we gonna get? Note, there is no such book for men. Indeed, I could not bring myself to buy this book, but decided instead to go on to Amazon and read the reviews, which were great by the way, and I got all the info I needed, including a big heads up on how women should lower their standards and keep a guy who is a fixer upper, cuz apparently men are now a commodity like orange juice. I couldn’t stop laughing.

This is the same author whose article I mentioned yesterday who did statistics on why men choose women. Crap ladies I may be on the wrong side of the fence here, but I’m gonna say that human beings both men and women, should never except less than the full package and here’s a big surprise, there are enough of each to go around, so never fear. Also, and I think this is very important . . . it is better to be single than to accept that which leads to unhappiness. If you aren’t feeling happy and energized everytime when your man is around then you might want to look at why. If he doesn’t support you and love you and lend his hand when you need it you may want to ask why.

Just be your beautiful self and you will attract a beautiful someone to share your life with and in the meantime have FUN!

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There is honour in being a dog.
– Aristotle

I’ve learned a lot by simply observing my dog. I have a Shiba Inu. I was never a “dog person”, I always had cat’s because dogs seemed to take up too much space, eat too much food and require too much attention. Whereas cats simply did their own thing. When I got married, I think in place of having children we had dogs. In the divorce I was granted ownership of one of them, and I’ll tell you what I am so glad I was! As time passes I find that when I pay attention I can learn a lot from this loving, intuitive, loyal creature. This is what I have learned so far in no particular order.

  • It’s Okay to lick someone’s face if you really, really like them!
  • Whenever you go somewhere check the perimeter to find out what is going on and be aware of any danger that might be lurking.
  • When a stranger comes to your door bark like crazy.
  • When meeting strangers, if your gut tells you they are creepy stand back 50 feet and growl until they go away, if they don’t leave bear your teeth and bark so loud you split their ear drums.
  • Chasing your tail offers no long term solutions, but gets a lot of laughs from everyone around you.
  • Make your bed nice and comfy before getting in, take time when doing this, fluff everything up and don’t lay down until you’ve found the perfect spot.
  • Always bury some bones for another day because you never know when you are going to need them.
  • Protect the ones you love at any cost even if it means you have to get into a scrap with someone else.
  • Lay down next to the ones you love and where ever you go stay by their side or at least always know where they are in any room.
  • Love can be expressed without a word, it comes through your eyes, the tilt of your head or a gentle nudge.
  • Always mark your territory so you know where you’ve been.
  • If something bothers you, stop and pay attention.
  • Always take a whiff of someone before you get too close to them. If they smell bad steer clear.
  • If you really have to poop don’t hold it in.
  • Go outside and play every single day.
  • Be fascinated with nature and every little creature in it, if it’s edible chase it and then eat it, food is a good thing.
  • If you stuff yourself you are going to feel bloated and you will have to sleep it off for several hours.
  • If you’re tired go to sleep.
  • When someone you love comes over jump up and give them lots of attention.
  • When you get in a fight with someone, resolve the issue and move on to the next best thing, playing. Never hold a grudge unless that someone really hurt you then always be on guard when they come around and never trust them again.

When I observe animals what I see is that everything is so simple for them. Probably because they don’t have egos and their brains are the size of walnuts, or pellets. Not too sure about that anatomy, but mostly I think it’s because they rely more on instinct than on thought. If it feels right they do it and if it doesn’t they just don’t. The never “intentionally” hurt others and when they do fight it is simply to protect what’s theirs or to scare off something that threatens their home or food. They are also intuitive about love. They care for and protect the ones they love and never, ever judge them for their appearance or actions unless they are abusive and then they move away quietly. My dog can sense when I’m upset and she stays by my side until she senses that I am well again and she misses me when I am gone and is always happy to see me when I return. They say the dog is man’s best friend, but I think she is a woman’s best friend too, now if I can only find a man with these qualities I will be set for life!

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Do you suffer from Opinion Dislodgement Disorder, (ODD) too?

I think I suffer from it because once I have an opinion stuck in my skull it’s pretty difficult for me to dislodge it. Some examples might include, but are not limited to, men only love bitches, all men are the same and the worst things happen to good people or occasionally I might think there is no justice in the world. So I could go around being pretty pissed off most of the time and this occurs frequently when I am driving. What is it about driving behind an idiot that upsets me so much? You’d think I’d be used to it by now! So Yesterday on my over to cafe heaven, a name I made up, which I’m thinking now would be a damn fine moniker for a caffeine establishment, which in actuality is named Starbucks, I was driving behind an asshole. Now normally I would never venture out for coffee at the wee hours of the morning because I have a fabulous coffee maker at home, but I had to get me some blood tests and I could not eat or drink anything except water for 12 hours. Not such a difficult task, except I had to forego the coffee, and this can be devastating for my state of mind and can be hazardous to the health and well being of those who come into contact with me. The distance between my home and said liquid energy juice can be measured in blocks, but for ease of use let’s just say it’s less than a mile and within that space of road I encountered more than one bad driver who I cursed, they don’t use their signals because they have a phone attached to their face, stop in front of me for no discernable reason and most annoying are the ones who go too fucking slow. I got stuck behind one going too fucking slow, and I mean slow, since the posted speed limit was 35 mph. So I’m pissed and muddling along behind at a crawl when I decide to actually look at the car in front of me since it’s causing me so much anxiety. I notice at first glance that it’s an older vehicle, white and the left side is off kilter to the point that it is almost touching the ground, the windows are filthy and I can barely see anyone’s head above the drivers side or passenger seats and I’m thinking maybe they are really old. Upon closer inspection I see that on the roof of the car right above the driver’s head is a red plastic cup, which I can only assume is filled with liquid? What the Fuck? Did the ass hat set it on of top the car get in and then forget to take about it? Is he/she doing an experiment to see how far they can drive before it falls off? And is this the reason for the unholy slowness? Or is it that most drivers are idiots? See experiences like these prevent me dislodging my opinions about drivers in general and when shit happens all the time it’s hard to make me believe otherwise. I wonder if anyone else noticed that cup?

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This 4th of July I would like to pay homage to “Crazy Frankenstein”, the Idiot who lived on our block when I was growing up. You know this guy! He’s the one who among other stunts, makes tennis-ball-can-rocket-launchers and shoots them at animals and sometimes, accidentally-on-purpose injures a five year-old across the street. He puts fire crackers up frogs asses and when he’s not outside embodying the term idiot, he’s in his basement working on experiments that will never influence the world in any significant way except to perplex and ask why. In actuality he’s a genius, but ends up becoming a dirty drunk, living in a trailer on Old Kings Highway in a small butt-crack town anywhere in America. You’re surprised that he was once married and fathered off-spring, because you cannot imagine anyone ever getting naked in the same bed with him. He’s an honest to goodness mouth breather unconscious of the fact that his jaw is a gap at all times which you would think would cause it to dry up inside, but instead he rhythmically swallows the saliva pooling in the trough of his jaw by sucking back loudly through his teeth at the moment just before it begins to spill over his cracked lips, but in that awful moment when he forgets a line of drool will run out, which he wipes away with the back of his oil stained hand, annoyed that he has to think about it at all. His front teeth buck out straight and his wide bottom lip folds out way to far, revealing his gums and that little piece of flesh that connects your bottom lip to your bottom teeth. I think this malformation was the reason he spit when he talked and may have had something to do with his timed sucking in behavior either way everyone took care to stand out of range when he spoke. But he never said very much. His tiny eyes are magnified behind coke bottle bottom glasses, and this created the illusion that he had the longest color-free eyelashes on the planet. He never seemed to wash and his straight greasy hair might might have been blonde. Most of the time he smelled like Fritos. And all things being equal in my world of aquaintances, If a vote was ever taken he would be voted least likely to get ever get laid and most likely to fornicate with farm animals! He was to my mind the most unfuckable creature alive! And still he sired some children, a true testament to the bizarre nature of procreation and one hell of a shock for me!

One year, before the fire, he had a motorcycle accident, if you could call what he was driving a motorcycle, it had 2 wheels a seat, an incredibly loud motor that sounded like an off-timed lawn mower and a steering device, but I think he took odd parts he had laying around his garage and assembled it in one afternoon after having consumed copious amounts of Genie Cream Ale. After he finished each can he would burp loudly and crush that dead soldier in his fist or sometimes smash it against his skull in a manly-man sort of way and it was laughable except that he decided he would ride his contraption at high speeds up and down the highway at the end of our block. Yeah, he crashed and broke his neck. Yup, I’ll say it again, he broke his neck and lived and came home with holes drilled in his head from which a metal circle was connected with a base that sat a top his shoulders that reminded me of those cones they give dogs so they don’t lick their own wounds, but it was just a frame meant to keep the weight of his head from snapping his spine again. The words, “mediaeval torture” device came to mind and all of us neighbor kids sat in awe as we watched him from the vantage point of my lawn, the highest elevation in the neighborhood and from my front step provided the most perfect option to spy directly into his garage where he was manically repairing his motor bike and cursing the metal frame bolted his to his skull as it impeded his progress especially when he tried to maneuver his head. We joked that the idiot would probably get on the thing and ride around the block at high speed as was his custom. And it was just a joke until late that same afternoon when we first heard then saw him motor out of the garage onto the driveway and into the street, obviously he wasn’t wearing a helmet and his parents peeped through the drawn curtains at Crazy Frankenstein, their second son.

It isn’t easy describing the image of a lunatic and painting a picture in words of a man’s head bobbing up and down inside a frame that looked, oddly enough, like those stands gardeners use to hold up tomatoes, except for the way it was bolted to his skull is an exhausting feat and if a group of us had not witnessed it I might think it was just a hallucination. And anyone who didn’t know him simply would refuse to believe that someone who had just returned from the hospital with a broken neck would spend a day repairing the motorcycle that put him there only to get on and ride it later that very afternoon. But this is true, it did happen and even those of us who knew him watched with open mouthed speechlessness and wide round eyes as he speed by back and forth in front of us for over an hour.

And he wasn’t the worse for wear. Nope. The next year on the 4th of July around dusk a couple of us were sitting around waiting to go out when Crazy Frankenstein crossed my driveway and walked up the hill towards us. We could see that he had an empty plastic gallon milk container and a handful of bottle rockets in his big mitts. This was odd because he didn’t usually “hang” with us and we were shamefully eager to see what he would do. Without a word he plops the flimsy container down next to me, drops the stem of the bottle rocket in and gets out his lighter. I said, “when you light that the weight of the rocket is going to lay it down and it will shot straight into the shurbs across the street, the dry shrubs.” It had been a very dry summer. He poo~pooed me and continued to light it off. Well gravity and propulsion being what it is, the rocket shot straight into the dry shrubs as predicted. “See”, I said, “I told you that would happen!” I’m always the voice of reason and this time was no exception. As I puffed up my chest we saw sparks fall into the pine needles below a front window of the dark house and waited, but nothing happened. Then a light came on in the window just above the shurbs and a voice called out, “Hey what are you trying to do set my house on fire, ha, ha, ha?” and at the trail end of the voice we all witnessed the shurbs go up in flames. And a real burning bush was seen by all. It burned fast and big and bright as a bonfire in the semi darkness. We sucked in our breath. We all stood up at the same time, but knew not what to do. Then other lights started to come on in the neigbhorhood and soon the underside ledge that topped the bush was involved in flames and the man’s voice started screaming obscenities and he came out his front door. He was hopping mad, I mean literally that he was hopping up and down screaming, while he should have been getting out his garden hose, or maybe just calling the fire department, but he didn’t, even when voices out of nowhere yelled at him to call. Others were carrying pails of water from up and down the street and while they tried to run with them the buckets just spilled wetting the road and seeping into the pavement, leaving dark patches and a misshapen trail to the edge of the lawn in front of his house that was now clearly on fire. And after what seemed a long time we heard sirens in the distance and then were deafened by them when they arrived in full view. Crazy Frankenstein never did anything, he just starred at the flames and listened while that man verbally accosted him from across the street. The whole block stood and watched while the firemen did their business. And Crazy Frankensteins parents got sued for the damages!

So the next night we are sitting on my front step and Crazy comes over. He sits down and dislodges an M-80 from his crusty jean pocket. He lights it and throws it into the street. It explodes with a roar and we all kind of duck our heads in the shadows when the neighbor hood lights begin to click on one at a time. He waits, then dislodges another and throws it into the street, but with a little more force and we watch while it rolls down the smooth pavement spins a couple times and stops dead directly underneath another neighbors car. It’s the silence in between when the explosive stops and the anticipation of what will happen when it blows that is the most exhilarating! And we watched, holding our collective breath. I didn’t even look over at Crazy, now I wish I had, but there were only long seconds in between when he threw it and when it landed before it ignited with the second load roar of the night. Boom!

The Gods must have been smiling on Crazy Frankenstein that night, because the car wasn’t damaged.

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