Okay, okay, okay! Let’s start this out by asking a good question about sex and the urge to have it as an impetus when we are gearing up to date again.
As you may or may not know I have been putting off dating in order to give myself a chance to determine what I like, I’ve been dating myself first, and I have come to a determination of what characteristics I want in a man, what I value the most and also what type of person I would be compatible with. To my mind this could be a tall order to fill, since I’m pretty far off from the traditional “gurl” and can be quirky, odd, free-willed and independent to a fault. Plus I tend to be a loner and have difficulty believing that I could find someone who I would want to see every single morning, bad breath and bed head and all. And I have decided to put myself out there and see who I meet. The venue you ask? Well, what else but the internet for me? I’m basically a recluse in a town where your choices of available men are 2, the Rednecks and the Jocks, well there is some odd bred in between the 2, but they are hard to find, usually married or just plain weird. You do have your geeks, but they are off somewhere at computer conventions, I think.
But I digress. The thing is when you’ve been single for a long time something starts to happen biologically, maybe it’s the biological imperative, I think I’m too old for that. Maybe it’s a monthly hormonal imbalance. Maybe it’s just plain human to want to get your groove on with the opposite sex. Whatever it may be, I’ve been having a lot of it lately, and this gives me cause for concern, since there ain’t no way I’m jumping into bed with some normally un-dateable dude just because I have an itch I need to scratch.
I know there are women out there who are going to think I am not into the feminine movement because of what I’m about to say, but frankly Maude, I don’t give a shit!
The way I see it, no matter what you try to tell me or convince me of, men and women are biologically different, and equipped differently as well. I thought I would point that out in case you hadn’t noticed. It’s this difference in equipment that makes the sex act a completely opposite experience for each partner, duh. Let me splain, you see when women have sex they are taking in the man’s energy, when men have sex they are expending energy. Now, I don’t know about you, but I want any energy I take in to be fully qualified to enter. This goes for the people I surround myself with too, but it is most important when I’m deciding who to couple with. Nuff said!
So even if your hormones are calling, don’t date that dude unless he is well qualified, because you’re the one who has to deal with the repercussions later, and a hot bath won’t get it done.
As a result of all this thinking and reminiscing about errors in judgment I have made in the past I’ve decided to make a list to help you decide if you’re just too horny to date safely.
· You’re a 46 year-old woman who thinks about sex as much as a high school boy
· Your mind begins to wander whenever you see something long and cylindrical
· You’ve cycled through 12 sets of C batteries and 9 sets of doubles AA’s and you and the guy at the porn store are on a first name basis
· Formerly un-dateable dudes seem oddly alluring?
· You believe you could make millions by developing a perfume named, “Odoor-D- Sex”
· Paying for sex makes logical sense
· You actually know “why the caged bird sings”
· You have developed a deep empathy with cats-in-heat
· You would give your eye teeth to catch a ride on the back of a motorcycle
· You and your stationary bike have developed a personal relationship
· You haven’t had a “headache” for years
· You keep checking your calendar to see when your next Brazilian is, the last one was so erotic
· The cashier at the grocery store keeps asking you why you buy so many cucumbers
· Chocolate has lost it’s appeal
· You have amassed a large collection of Thongs, but don’t remember buying them
· Anything that vibrates is gold
· People keep asking you why you are so jittery
· You buy men’s cologne to spray on and then keep smelling yourself
· You go to home stores and strike up conversations with random male employees
· Tight jeans feel good
Word to the wise or soon to be wiser, if you can answer yes to 5 or more of these statements you may want to reconsider dating until the urge passes, and it will pass, especially if you start cruising some photos on one or more of the dating sites, this is enough to make a sane woman stone cold sober. This should be a very interesting experience for me . . .
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