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Archive for the ‘journey’ Category

I’ve been inspired to write again, at least today by another blog post I came across on Facebook. It’s called Single Dad Laughing and I am responding to a post he wrote called “The Cure for Perfection” I was deeply moved the response to his post and have sent him an email requesting he share my blog post, but either way I want to share it here as I believe it to be the one true thing I have learned. I am also sharing the links I have sent to him that have provided me with the most amount of self reflection, self growth and self love, helping me move out of fear into a place better suited for the perfect humans we already are!

So with out further ado here it is:

Hi Dan,

I didn’t follow the rules or guidelines you suggested. I never do. I hate rules of any kind, but I hope that you will repost this message because I have been very drawn to share it with your readers because the most important thing we can know at this time is that we are already perfect in everyway. When we come from a place of knowing that we are already perfect and keep reminding ourselves of that we are freed up to look deeper.

Perfection is all that can exist . . .

Nothing imperfect exists . . .

And no, I am not a swami . . .

So what does that mean? Does it mean we are perfect in our so called imperfection, yes! Does it mean that perfection is our continual state of being? Yes! I am writing to tell you that you are perfect exactly as you are now, every little ugly spot or bad mistake or error in judgment or rotten word you cursed at the guy going way too slow in front of you is perfection at it’s finest. Yup, you are perfect, so you can stop worrying about being any more perfect and start focusing on what makes you feel uncomfortable, what makes you afraid and that which you choose to change about yourself. You see the thing is, perfectionism is not the enemy, it could be a symptom of something you don’t want to look at, like smelly feet or a rotten tooth, but more likely it’s about being afraid, because fear my friend is the enemy. Fear of rejection, fear of failure, fear of the unknown, fear that your pizza will be burned on the bottom. Seriously, think about it. What have you feared today? Good Lord, make a list and you will see that fear is the ultimate buzz kill, because without it we would just roll along taking things as they come and dealing with them as they happen, not before, because the other half of it is projecting the fear of what could happen without ever really knowing that it could. This constant thinking and all knowing voice in your head that says it has all the answers, but we know differently, don’t we? Every single one of us has had a situation or two turn out exactly the opposite of what we projected and we’ve said to ourselves, “Wow, I never thought it would turn out like that!” And you were happily surprised. We have seen horrible, terrible situations like child abductions turn into causes that have saved the lives of thousands. Open your mind for a minute and you will see the past does not equal the future and your future can change in a minute by simply asking yourself one question, what am I afraid of? If that answer brings up more fear ask another, why am I afraid of that? The more questions you ask the more answers you will receive and so on and so on until a solutions is found, a lesson is learned and a deep knowing that perfection is all around us is embraced. When we take a concept like being perfect and turn it into the enemy at the gate we never, ever get to the truth. We, all of us, are afraid and that’s perfect too, because when we see that it’s just fear that holds us we can shine a light on what is really making us uncomfortable, confront it and then deal with it. But we gotta look at the ugly before we can see the beauty, and I can tell you I have seen a lot of ugly in my life. I have uncovered a lot of what I am afraid of and faced it square in the face. It ain’t easy, it isn’t pretty and it requires constant examination of my own thoughts, my own fears and what makes me tick. I have learned that I am perfect just as I am, with all my flaws and fear of failure and fear that you might read this and think I’m crazy or long winded or horrible at grammar, but I had to face that fear and share this with you because I am awed by your courage to ask for others to help others in a world of seeming strangers and often strangeness, that I see now as perfect and beautiful and with wild, endless possibilities. There is nothing that cannot be solved or worked through or used for the benefit of teaching others, helping others and showing compassion.  I would like to applaud you and send you this note of gratitude for reminding me how far I have come and for allowing me to share with you some resources that have helped me along the way with the hope that your voice and exposure will be the vehicle by which others can find them.

Resources:

Journaling Resource: Julia Cameron, The Artist’s Way: http://www.theartistsway.com/

Maia Berens an extraordinary life coach: http://allaboutlifecoaching.com/

National Suicide Prevention Hotline: http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

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candle_flame

These words came to me last night and I am sharing them with you. May they have meaning in your life!

When the lighted path grows dim
hold a candle against the darkness
then speak my name
I will be there for you

When the flame flickers and dies
feel your way against the darkness
then call out my name
I will be there for you

When you can not feel your way
remember the lighted path
and whisper my name
I will be there for you

When you can not remember your way
imagine the path lighted before you
say my name
and I will be there for you
I will be there for you like a foothold
Even in your blackest night
Like a hand to shake you
to awaken you
for even when you slumber
I am here

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Kentucky shurbs . . .  dark spots littering the field, their green matched the green in my shirt. And I wonder, always wonder about the beauty of this land, even in it’s desolation, indeed sometimes because of it. What isn’t there leaves room for the imagination. Plus the land may let you down, but you never take it personal, you know? When crops fail you don’t think the land is trying to hurt you, you just think it is what it is, or you try blaming it on God or the universe or something, but you know that can’t really be true. And just by looking into a field I figured out that man invented God to have someone to blame shit on.

Hmmm . . .

Man invented God so he could have someone to blame shit on. It’s a theory I came up with on the first day of the first week I spent with the man I thought I loved, on a vacation that would end our relationship. But, it being the first day I was still in creative spirits. I was still in a place where the freedom to roam that I desperately sought was bestowed upon me by him through the company he worked for, and while I don’t think I ever really admitted it to him I realized a lot about myself and the world and travel, well motion, while I was stuck in a Hum-V with him, driving and driving for miles. I realized too that he was simply a catalyst for my transformation the same way one needs to strike flint or tinder or whatever the fuck. I mean he was like an ingredient that was a requirement.

Now, none of this can be seen while you are in the midst of it. It can only be observed afterward. After the pain wears off. After you realize it was one tiny stop over on the map of your destiny. A tiny spot that seemed really big and all consuming at the moment and the deal is, it felt like love. I mean true love, deep love, love without limits, but that is fucking bullshit isn’t it? Everything has limits, conditions, restrictions, except knowledge, except learning, except passion and there is love in all of these but it comes from within it is not gotten from someone but it can be bestowed upon them, it is a gift to be given an received and there are limits, self imposed, but limits just the same.

But what I learned about love didn’t/wasn’t realized on the trip necessarily, but some months after during a dormant period and alone time that for me was so painful to speak of it hurts right down the middle like a hole in my gut. He would never understand this because he didn’t have too, has never wanted to, at least not yet. And that makes me happy because I would not wish this feeling upon anyone, well that’s a lie, but I’ll get back to that another time. See the thing is he held pain too, experienced pain too and kind of talked about it, but not really. Like I’m a big man who won’t cry so I’ll just bitch about every fucking thing and wait for someone to see it’s pain or there is pain and maybe they will make it go away. Yup he was that guy, the one who was constantly looking to make the pain go away through others, but who would never actually open up for the healing, cuz when it got too deep he would just move on to the next and the next, a surface dweller. And the reason I know this is because I was that exact same way too and so I was attracted to him like a magnet, a fucking guided missile and I knew nothing good, well nothing, well I knew nothing of what our entanglement would bring . . . Ah co-dependancy, Ah lust, Ah the beauty of doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. It just goes on and on.

No on can write about it while they are in it and while they are in it, it feels really good and really bad at the same time. And no one can write about it until they have closure (a term by the way that I despise) I’m not sure I’ve ever had it in my life, but as I sit here facing a fire, under the threat of encroaching Autumn, beneath skies more cloud filled than blue I know more than I did before he and I were introduced. I know more about myself. I know more about life. I know more about relationships than I ever did before and I while I was in Kentucky I realized that man invented God so he would have someone to blame shit on?

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Dan Millman is a real man, I don’t mean he’s real man like a “real” man’s-man. I mean he is an actual living person who has a website and everything. The movie, “Peaceful Warrior” is the story of his life or a part of his life that, according him actually happened. Well I must confess, I did not research it because I like to think it did happen. I like to think that events depicted in the movie can happen in real life. I have always been a dreamer. I have always believed that anything can happen, because otherwise life is just too boring. So maybe someone who has the time and inclination can check it out and see if he has combined truth and fiction. In some ways the story reminds me of the Celestine Prophecy only more real and in movie form it’s just easy. I know they turned the Celestine Prophecy into a movie too, but it was really kind of lame, and the Peaceful Warrior is kind of lame too, but I liked it a lot. I have watched it a lot. It is one of those movies I turn re-watch on Showtime or HBO over and over again, just to have something in the background.

Last night I had it on before sleep and I realized the lessons are not new ones. It teaches us to stay in the present. It teaches us detachment, it teaches us many things and I like the way it’s delivered because you don’t have to have a long, serious history of Buddhism or Taoism or whatever ism it teaches in order to see, understand, take in and hopefully learn what could work for you. I awoke this morning feeling refreshed, enlightened and very, very happy after remembering those lessons from The Peaceful Warrior. And today I’m thinking, shit, if watching a cheesy kind of film can fill me with enlightenment, joy, bliss, fervor, insert good feeling work of your choice here, then I am in.

I think I’ll go buy it!

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The entire time I was growing up everyone told me that I was “TOO” nice. Since I was nice I didn’t say it aloud, but I thought, “What the Fuck does that mean?” I’m too nice as if it were a bad thing. How can being nice be a bad thing? Now nice is evil too. So I didn’t stop being nice. Now after many years of being nice I can see how it could be detrimental to my health. I doesn’t hurt anyone else, cause they have the benefit of my niceness but it does hurt me, especially if I am nice while assuming because I am nice everyone else will be just like me… NOT!

Nope. I have learned that most people are not nice. Most people, (and when I say most here I mean 80% or so), are looking out for themselves, to see what they can get from you or simply aren’t nice because they are afraid that if they put themselves out there and give it won’t be returned or they will get hurt. The whole issue is based around fear and lack and it is just pissing me off today. Pissing me off beyond measure because I am more the exception then the rule. This doesn’t surprise me it simply angers me. I can see it all so clearly, you know? If everyone were not so afraid of getting hurt or used or taken advantage of or whatever the fuck then surely we would just automatically do nice things for others, since it is part of our fundamental nature. Or maybe it isn’t I honestly have no fucking clue anymore.

What does this have to do with dating dudes, choosing dudes and dudes in general? And how did I come up with this topic? It’s a long story that goes back to a Junior High School Cafeteria and I won’t mention it now, let’s just say that when this article arrived in my email box this morning I was touched that indeed 100 men out of a thousand actually valued women who were nice! Didn’t that just make my day?! Since I have been told and am still being told that I have to be less nice. Well all I can say to that is Ah Ha, and see. At least now I know there are men who want to do more than play hard to get games, who actually value genuine qualities in a woman, and even though they are at the top of the food chain they do exist! I think we can all find delight in that!

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When I stumbled upon the term magical thinking I immediately thought it was a good thing. It smacked of innovative, visionary brainwork, you know the intuitive, inspirational musings which inspire great works of art? The word magic has held for me a deep ambitious yearning, which I classify as awe inspiring. My fascination with all things magic may have started when I was a child, because I remember watching a popular television show called, “I Dream of Jeannie”. I remember wanting more than anything else to be like her. With just one blink I could be anywhere or have anything in the world. If wishing could only make it so!  I suppose it was not unlike my belief in Santa Claus except Jeannie was a woman and her magic happened everyday!

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It’s nice to fantasize. It’s nice to believe that all we have to do is imagine something, put a little effort towards getting it and abracadabra it will soon be ours. This slant is often used in a new age twist called, “The Law of Attraction”. The popularity of this belief system caught on and fire balled into an industry when Oprah Winfrey got behind a movie called, “The Secret”, which in my humble opinion is a stab at proselytizing magical thinking in a society that could use anything but. Don’t get me wrong. I believe in having dreams for the future and goals to achieve. I also believe that we won’t always be successful and that failure is an integral part of life. But if the “Law of Attraction”, (which has been taught for decades before the movie ever came out), teaches us anything useful it is that, “like attracts like”, but if you don’t understand the deeper meaning behind the concept you run the risk of engaging Magical thinking and when the magic doesn’t happen, you think you have done something wrong and then your thoughts can keep you stuck in a cycle of shame and denial that perpetuates failure instead of allowing you to embrace an ever evolving learning process.

 

So what is Magical Thinking?

 

In essence it is a thought process that largely involves wishing and waiting.

 

Have you ever thought:

 

If I only had someone . . .my life would be better

If only he or she would change . . . my life would be better

When he or she has more time . . . my life would be better

After the kids are grown . . . I will be able to, (you fill in the blank)

If I love just a little bit more . . . then (blank) will happen

Next year things will be better

After he or she is gone I will be happy

Something is bound to happen soon

This isn’t the real him or her

I don’t have a problem he or she does

I wish he or she would see me for what I really am on the inside

If only I had done more he or she wouldn’t have left

If only I had been more positive or happy things would have been different

If only I had the house, car, job of my dreams my life would be better

If I was rich enough, thin enough or whatever I would finally be happy

 

It might be better to assume responsibility for your own life by realizing that great relationships and great achievements have more to do with relying on yourself, accepting your gifts and limitations than they do on magical thinking or the belief that something outside yourself can get it done for you.

 

In life there are magical moments but magical thinking won’t make them so!

I know this is a long post and I have included a video, but if you have ever thought of watching or buying the movie

“The Secret” watch this video first it is much better!

Vodpod videos no longer available. from youtube.com posted with vodpod

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Men Can Act Like This!

I was in the middle of the beginning of the end.

I didn’t know it at the time. I can see it now, of course, since it’s over. He had reached the end while I was still in the beginning of the end and he knew it. Unfortunately he didn’t have the balls to tell me. Having long ago been neutered by his mother, he preferred to let me fumble around in the dark like an old dog on a leash, barking and whining and nipping at his heels for scraps. In the meantime he looked for a convenient rest area to drop my sorry ass. After that all he had to do was take the next exit where a frisky young pup waited, poised and panting, to piss all over him with glee. I suppose that’s how all the big dogs do it, sniff around until they find the next bitch in heat to mount and then they’re stuck together until the passion dies and bam it’s onto the next and the next in an endless succession that in the best possible scenario leads to the propagation of the species and in the worst creates a society of mutts with nothing better to do than sniff out that next, better bitch. That, apparently, was his world. He was part of a common breed whose business it was to seek out and conquer females in heat. My world on the other hand was sufficiently different to spark an interest in him that went beyond his traditional breeding, ass sniffing behavior, but did not rise above the realm of the ordinary pissing contests to which he was accustomed. So in the beginning there was a lure of attraction of opposites combined with a vague notion of similarity. Suffice it to say we were both dogs, but each a different breed.

Directions for Love:

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I know it’s a bad, ugly analogy, but I am going to let you in on a little secret and this is a long side note. The road to wisdom is not always bathed in sweetness and light. Expect delays. Expect road blocks. Expect pot holes. Expect to get lost. Oh, and if you think you’re lost, you probably are. So ask for directions. The trick about asking for directions is to first admit you are lost and then to find someone who looks like they know the area, after that following those directions is the key. So get out a pen and some paper then take the time to write them down. You can back track if you want to, but turning around means you will be covering the same ground in a different direction. And remember that when you are traveling it is best to have a first aid kit and a flash light because the way is not usually well lit or pain free. My experience was very similar to a car jacking. Also, Stay within 10 miles of the speed limit. This will prevent trouble with the law and will serve to slow you down a little. Don’t be in such a hurry to get to where you think you are going because before you know it, just like my marriage, it will be over, and like me you will be wishing you had paid more attention to the signs along the way. You will be wishing you had paid more attention to your trip. I am telling you my story in the way it occurs to me right now, in hindsight, so bare with me.

Relationships & Breeding Cycles:

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So let’s get back to that nasty dog analogy which seems to be working just fine. Do you honesty think I would have compared our relationship to the breeding cycle of the American mutt when it began? Oh, hell no! I went through a lot to get to this point and if you hadn’t noticed I am not happy about it. Yes. I am a woman scorned. No, better yet, I am a woman scorched and I’m not too proud to admit it! I am being trite, littering this story with platitudes and clichés because it is ordinary, it is common. What I am writing is the un-love story, you know the one people don’t read because they prefer happy endings. I have always liked stories where you couldn’t see what was coming. That’s what happens in real life, or rather you can see what’s coming, but you don’t care, you just let it happen. You let yourself get lost in the drama along the way. Now that’s good stuff. Shit stinks, but it’s warm.

Internet Dating:

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So let’s get back to the middle, because beginnings are easy aren’t they? I should say beginnings are easy after the awkwardness wears off and mine began something like this. Once upon a time there was a middle aged woman in heat. She entered this state of pathological desperation after the lover to whom she had been faithful and loyal for 8 years kicked her to the curb for a different breed. At her age the ease with which she had once attracted mates was sufficiently diminished to leave her foolhardy enough to plunge head on into the world of computer dating.

Hello. Can you see the signs? It’s a God damned recipe for disaster! And this was only the beginning, but it was easy. Now she could fill the void from the comfort of her own home while meeting multiple, potential, transitional men all the while bypassing the slower conventional modes of introduction that seemed vacuous and bleak. It was a pure numbers game. The prize was instant gratification with a stranger whose characteristics were printed on a page for the whole world to see. To her dismay the sites she visited did not have a shopping cart feature. But shop she did, and abracadabra within a few weeks of focused intent a boy disguised as a man who was really a dog of a different breed magically appeared. After a few kittenish emails and a couple of phone calls to take the place of, “getting to know ya.”, they decided to meet.

Love at First Sight:

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You know this part don’t you? When they met their eyes locked and they both felt as if they had known each other before and by the end of the night they were scrambling to pull each other’s clothes off. After that they were inseparable, blah, blah, blah. I mean it’s the stuff of movies, the filler of romance novels, the reason for being, right? Wrong! Either way our beginning was very much like a story book. On our first date I did feel a comfort and ease I had never felt with anyone during a first meeting. I felt safe being myself and I dropped my guard accordingly. You see once the beginning of our story moved into being the middle of our story I saw him as something other than just another mutt on the street. He became something very much like water. He was a deep ocean from which all knowledge is gained, a reservoir of refreshment to partake. He ebbed and flowed to me and away from me. And like water through my fingers I could not hold him. I found myself wanting to be with him to take another inestimable drink, and after that I would thirst for another. Until I found inside myself a deep ache that only he could alleviate.

How to Get an Asshole to Fall in Love with You:

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Ordinarily only fervent lovemaking could arouse such impassioned longing in me and yet sex with him, although frequent, was tantamount to brutish fornication. I feigned climax on every occasion except the first, when my naiveté compelled me to lay motionless beneath him while he balled me. That night I was disenchanted. The next day I found black and blue marks on my arms from his clutches. When I grew angry and shot off an email to complain his response was terse and commanding. In a sentence he ended our relationship. He told me I was very engaging, but that we were not right for each other. I had never been rebuffed in this manner, and never so succinctly. My astonishment turned smug and I began to wonder how I could let myself be subjugated by such an acrimonious asshole, and yet the fact remained that I had been. I was vexed. This juncture presented a veritable challenge. How could I bewitch him? The usual inducements were unsuitable. He didn’t want to please me. So what then? What did he want? Was it a flaccid servant desirous of a master? Yes, that seemed feasible. So I sent back an apology signed, “Yours in Total Submission.” His response was immediate, he said, “Now you’ve got my attention!” He had taken the bait.

What if Your Friends Think He’s Gay?:

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Did I mention he was half German? Did I mention that although he was in his late 30’s he still lived with his parents? Did I mention he was an only child? Oh, and for much of his adult life he was a car salesman. These were certainly character flaws I failed to scrutinize. After introducing him to my daughter and 2 of my friends all 3 asked me in private if he was gay. He did love to shop! He didn’t have any male cohorts and females buzzed around him like flies. His predilection for bondage and domination should have been the final caveat, that and his bizarre fascination with anything anal. I didn’t take exception to any of his quirks until I noticed that climax for him was not a consequence of conventional sex and then he stopped kissing me. Forgive me if I seem indiscreet. I did discuss these intimacy issues with him and for each he made a bearable confession to which I would acquiesce because I felt his pronouncements were impossible to impeach. Even though I yearned to captivate him, I strove in vain. My highest ambition was to arouse his passion and adulation as if all I needed was a cryptic code that would grant me access to his heart. Thus he became my master. What could have been the end became the middle.

Is love blind or guilelessly indiscriminant?

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For me this thing called love was nothing more than a misguided compulsion.

 

When I fell in love with him I felt like someone who decided to wear shorts in the winter. I knew it was wrong. I knew everyone was gawking at me in disbelief and even the threat of freezing to death didn’t cause me to desist. My step-mother, God rest her soul, would have said, “You’re going down the wrong road.” A sentence I heard more than once growing up. She would have been right too, but who listens to their mother?

Deluded Bastard or?:

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Let’s talk about true love for a moment. Is it really a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person, or is it simply a preposterous ideation of a quixotic notion?

Does true love last forever? Are true love and monogamy synonymous? Or are these concepts nothing more than utopian ideals cooked-up by some deluded bastard bent on hornswoggling us? If so, his efforts have come to fruition with wild success and utter failure. For while we clamor to find that one true love, once that mission is accomplished it seems the novelty wears off and that profoundly tender, passionate affection we had for the other turns into subjugation. Rather than admit we have been bamboozled we continue in search of a dream land by looking for greener pastures on the other side of the fence, eternally hankering for just “the right stuff”? I think the P.C. term is serial monogamy and nowadays it continues until you are too old to care about impossible standards and you decide to settle for anyone just as long as they’ll have you, that is, unless you decide to grow-up. That’s right, I said it. Grow up! Accept the actuality that the dream isn’t real, at least not the way it’s been dispensed to you. You always see happy beginnings and happy ever after endings, but you are never privy to the ever after, also known as the middle. The movie ends, the credits roll and you are left with your imagination as to the rest. The human being is known through out history for taking the path of least resistance and the divorce rate is proof in the pudding isn’t it? It’s a kind of fast food mentality that gets us nowhere and leaves us scratching our heads wondering what went wrong. I am going to take a big chance here and mention that what went wrong was something inside you! Oh Holy Hell, now I’ve gone and done it. I’ve angered the audience, but before you go off half cocked, let me finish. Because if you don’t work it out now, in 5 or 10 years, you will find yourself, like I did, feeling purloined and pigeonholed going nowhere at the speed of light. You’ll have the company of hindsight and nothing more. It’s not warm and fuzzy, but it’s the truth.


 

 

 

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