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Archive for the ‘lost love’ Category

candle_flame

These words came to me last night and I am sharing them with you. May they have meaning in your life!

When the lighted path grows dim
hold a candle against the darkness
then speak my name
I will be there for you

When the flame flickers and dies
feel your way against the darkness
then call out my name
I will be there for you

When you can not feel your way
remember the lighted path
and whisper my name
I will be there for you

When you can not remember your way
imagine the path lighted before you
say my name
and I will be there for you
I will be there for you like a foothold
Even in your blackest night
Like a hand to shake you
to awaken you
for even when you slumber
I am here

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Kentucky shurbs . . .  dark spots littering the field, their green matched the green in my shirt. And I wonder, always wonder about the beauty of this land, even in it’s desolation, indeed sometimes because of it. What isn’t there leaves room for the imagination. Plus the land may let you down, but you never take it personal, you know? When crops fail you don’t think the land is trying to hurt you, you just think it is what it is, or you try blaming it on God or the universe or something, but you know that can’t really be true. And just by looking into a field I figured out that man invented God to have someone to blame shit on.

Hmmm . . .

Man invented God so he could have someone to blame shit on. It’s a theory I came up with on the first day of the first week I spent with the man I thought I loved, on a vacation that would end our relationship. But, it being the first day I was still in creative spirits. I was still in a place where the freedom to roam that I desperately sought was bestowed upon me by him through the company he worked for, and while I don’t think I ever really admitted it to him I realized a lot about myself and the world and travel, well motion, while I was stuck in a Hum-V with him, driving and driving for miles. I realized too that he was simply a catalyst for my transformation the same way one needs to strike flint or tinder or whatever the fuck. I mean he was like an ingredient that was a requirement.

Now, none of this can be seen while you are in the midst of it. It can only be observed afterward. After the pain wears off. After you realize it was one tiny stop over on the map of your destiny. A tiny spot that seemed really big and all consuming at the moment and the deal is, it felt like love. I mean true love, deep love, love without limits, but that is fucking bullshit isn’t it? Everything has limits, conditions, restrictions, except knowledge, except learning, except passion and there is love in all of these but it comes from within it is not gotten from someone but it can be bestowed upon them, it is a gift to be given an received and there are limits, self imposed, but limits just the same.

But what I learned about love didn’t/wasn’t realized on the trip necessarily, but some months after during a dormant period and alone time that for me was so painful to speak of it hurts right down the middle like a hole in my gut. He would never understand this because he didn’t have too, has never wanted to, at least not yet. And that makes me happy because I would not wish this feeling upon anyone, well that’s a lie, but I’ll get back to that another time. See the thing is he held pain too, experienced pain too and kind of talked about it, but not really. Like I’m a big man who won’t cry so I’ll just bitch about every fucking thing and wait for someone to see it’s pain or there is pain and maybe they will make it go away. Yup he was that guy, the one who was constantly looking to make the pain go away through others, but who would never actually open up for the healing, cuz when it got too deep he would just move on to the next and the next, a surface dweller. And the reason I know this is because I was that exact same way too and so I was attracted to him like a magnet, a fucking guided missile and I knew nothing good, well nothing, well I knew nothing of what our entanglement would bring . . . Ah co-dependancy, Ah lust, Ah the beauty of doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. It just goes on and on.

No on can write about it while they are in it and while they are in it, it feels really good and really bad at the same time. And no one can write about it until they have closure (a term by the way that I despise) I’m not sure I’ve ever had it in my life, but as I sit here facing a fire, under the threat of encroaching Autumn, beneath skies more cloud filled than blue I know more than I did before he and I were introduced. I know more about myself. I know more about life. I know more about relationships than I ever did before and I while I was in Kentucky I realized that man invented God so he would have someone to blame shit on?

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PWA_OneSheet_V21.qxd

Dan Millman is a real man, I don’t mean he’s real man like a “real” man’s-man. I mean he is an actual living person who has a website and everything. The movie, “Peaceful Warrior” is the story of his life or a part of his life that, according him actually happened. Well I must confess, I did not research it because I like to think it did happen. I like to think that events depicted in the movie can happen in real life. I have always been a dreamer. I have always believed that anything can happen, because otherwise life is just too boring. So maybe someone who has the time and inclination can check it out and see if he has combined truth and fiction. In some ways the story reminds me of the Celestine Prophecy only more real and in movie form it’s just easy. I know they turned the Celestine Prophecy into a movie too, but it was really kind of lame, and the Peaceful Warrior is kind of lame too, but I liked it a lot. I have watched it a lot. It is one of those movies I turn re-watch on Showtime or HBO over and over again, just to have something in the background.

Last night I had it on before sleep and I realized the lessons are not new ones. It teaches us to stay in the present. It teaches us detachment, it teaches us many things and I like the way it’s delivered because you don’t have to have a long, serious history of Buddhism or Taoism or whatever ism it teaches in order to see, understand, take in and hopefully learn what could work for you. I awoke this morning feeling refreshed, enlightened and very, very happy after remembering those lessons from The Peaceful Warrior. And today I’m thinking, shit, if watching a cheesy kind of film can fill me with enlightenment, joy, bliss, fervor, insert good feeling work of your choice here, then I am in.

I think I’ll go buy it!

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find a husband

Okay, Okay, now I have seen everything!

The writer says that women should market themselves and give themselves a “brand” like Proctor & Gamble. Holy Hell, what has this dating world come too? And how hard up we gonna get? Note, there is no such book for men. Indeed, I could not bring myself to buy this book, but decided instead to go on to Amazon and read the reviews, which were great by the way, and I got all the info I needed, including a big heads up on how women should lower their standards and keep a guy who is a fixer upper, cuz apparently men are now a commodity like orange juice. I couldn’t stop laughing.

This is the same author whose article I mentioned yesterday who did statistics on why men choose women. Crap ladies I may be on the wrong side of the fence here, but I’m gonna say that human beings both men and women, should never except less than the full package and here’s a big surprise, there are enough of each to go around, so never fear. Also, and I think this is very important . . . it is better to be single than to accept that which leads to unhappiness. If you aren’t feeling happy and energized everytime when your man is around then you might want to look at why. If he doesn’t support you and love you and lend his hand when you need it you may want to ask why.

Just be your beautiful self and you will attract a beautiful someone to share your life with and in the meantime have FUN!

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instant_nice_person

The entire time I was growing up everyone told me that I was “TOO” nice. Since I was nice I didn’t say it aloud, but I thought, “What the Fuck does that mean?” I’m too nice as if it were a bad thing. How can being nice be a bad thing? Now nice is evil too. So I didn’t stop being nice. Now after many years of being nice I can see how it could be detrimental to my health. I doesn’t hurt anyone else, cause they have the benefit of my niceness but it does hurt me, especially if I am nice while assuming because I am nice everyone else will be just like me… NOT!

Nope. I have learned that most people are not nice. Most people, (and when I say most here I mean 80% or so), are looking out for themselves, to see what they can get from you or simply aren’t nice because they are afraid that if they put themselves out there and give it won’t be returned or they will get hurt. The whole issue is based around fear and lack and it is just pissing me off today. Pissing me off beyond measure because I am more the exception then the rule. This doesn’t surprise me it simply angers me. I can see it all so clearly, you know? If everyone were not so afraid of getting hurt or used or taken advantage of or whatever the fuck then surely we would just automatically do nice things for others, since it is part of our fundamental nature. Or maybe it isn’t I honestly have no fucking clue anymore.

What does this have to do with dating dudes, choosing dudes and dudes in general? And how did I come up with this topic? It’s a long story that goes back to a Junior High School Cafeteria and I won’t mention it now, let’s just say that when this article arrived in my email box this morning I was touched that indeed 100 men out of a thousand actually valued women who were nice! Didn’t that just make my day?! Since I have been told and am still being told that I have to be less nice. Well all I can say to that is Ah Ha, and see. At least now I know there are men who want to do more than play hard to get games, who actually value genuine qualities in a woman, and even though they are at the top of the food chain they do exist! I think we can all find delight in that!

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There is honour in being a dog.
– Aristotle

I’ve learned a lot by simply observing my dog. I have a Shiba Inu. I was never a “dog person”, I always had cat’s because dogs seemed to take up too much space, eat too much food and require too much attention. Whereas cats simply did their own thing. When I got married, I think in place of having children we had dogs. In the divorce I was granted ownership of one of them, and I’ll tell you what I am so glad I was! As time passes I find that when I pay attention I can learn a lot from this loving, intuitive, loyal creature. This is what I have learned so far in no particular order.

  • It’s Okay to lick someone’s face if you really, really like them!
  • Whenever you go somewhere check the perimeter to find out what is going on and be aware of any danger that might be lurking.
  • When a stranger comes to your door bark like crazy.
  • When meeting strangers, if your gut tells you they are creepy stand back 50 feet and growl until they go away, if they don’t leave bear your teeth and bark so loud you split their ear drums.
  • Chasing your tail offers no long term solutions, but gets a lot of laughs from everyone around you.
  • Make your bed nice and comfy before getting in, take time when doing this, fluff everything up and don’t lay down until you’ve found the perfect spot.
  • Always bury some bones for another day because you never know when you are going to need them.
  • Protect the ones you love at any cost even if it means you have to get into a scrap with someone else.
  • Lay down next to the ones you love and where ever you go stay by their side or at least always know where they are in any room.
  • Love can be expressed without a word, it comes through your eyes, the tilt of your head or a gentle nudge.
  • Always mark your territory so you know where you’ve been.
  • If something bothers you, stop and pay attention.
  • Always take a whiff of someone before you get too close to them. If they smell bad steer clear.
  • If you really have to poop don’t hold it in.
  • Go outside and play every single day.
  • Be fascinated with nature and every little creature in it, if it’s edible chase it and then eat it, food is a good thing.
  • If you stuff yourself you are going to feel bloated and you will have to sleep it off for several hours.
  • If you’re tired go to sleep.
  • When someone you love comes over jump up and give them lots of attention.
  • When you get in a fight with someone, resolve the issue and move on to the next best thing, playing. Never hold a grudge unless that someone really hurt you then always be on guard when they come around and never trust them again.

When I observe animals what I see is that everything is so simple for them. Probably because they don’t have egos and their brains are the size of walnuts, or pellets. Not too sure about that anatomy, but mostly I think it’s because they rely more on instinct than on thought. If it feels right they do it and if it doesn’t they just don’t. The never “intentionally” hurt others and when they do fight it is simply to protect what’s theirs or to scare off something that threatens their home or food. They are also intuitive about love. They care for and protect the ones they love and never, ever judge them for their appearance or actions unless they are abusive and then they move away quietly. My dog can sense when I’m upset and she stays by my side until she senses that I am well again and she misses me when I am gone and is always happy to see me when I return. They say the dog is man’s best friend, but I think she is a woman’s best friend too, now if I can only find a man with these qualities I will be set for life!

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Codependence versus Independence and Finding Real Freedom!

This might be the perfect time to write about independence or freedom and how codependency can effect the way we love ourselves and others simply because the 4th has just passed or simply because I’m in the mood. I feel like finding our way in relationships can be confusing especially when it concerns finding our own freedom within the confines of a partnership. This is hard enough when both people are relatively healthy minded. When you add in restrictive childhoods or abuse in childhood it can take years before you find your way into healthy, lasting love.

Below are common definitions of codependency:

MHA Definition of codependence

codependency is “an emotional and behavioral condition that affects an individual’s ability to have a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship. It is also known as ‘relationship addiction’ because people with codependency often form or maintain relationships that are one-sided, emotionally destructive and/or abusive.

Robert Subby defines codependency as “An emotional, psychological, and behavioral condition that develops as a result of an individual’s prolonged exposure to, and practice of, a set of oppressive rules.”

The term comes out of treating alcoholics and their loved ones, who developed codependent patterns to cope with the alcoholic’s behavior. Codependency is a pattern of response. It’s a habitual way of reacting that is learned as a coping mechanism to an unhealthy situation.

Researchers found that the codependency habits become so ingrained in people that they persist beyond the interaction with the addict. That is, these patterns can exist and be passed down in families over time, even when the addiction is no longer present.

My personal experience has been one of losing myself in any long-term romantic relationship I’m involved in. Losing yourself for the benefit of a relationship is a life sucking experience. But what is more important is that when you are losing yourself in someone else it’s really just a distraction that keeps you from recognizing your own desires, hopes, goals, feelings and needs. Why this happens most certainly takes root in childhood and creates a pattern of self-deprecating behaviors that seem so normal it’s impossible to actually notice what you are doing, much less change it. That is until your life becomes un-liveable. It didn’t say unmanageable, because I could manage anything, I could fix anything and I could make anything work as long as it kept me in the relationship. It wasn’t until I noticed I could not live like that anymore that I realized there was something about me that wasn’t right. I noticed that other people didn’t have the same problems with intimacy and that other people also had boundaries that I lacked. Other people could say no. I could not and if I wanted to say no, rather than say it I would lie or make an excuse so that I would not have to show up. Now I just don’t lie anymore. I tell the truth and I’ll be damned it works. People respect the truth. You can’t argue with the truth. The truth is the truth. And that’s all I have to say about that!

Being in a co-dependent relationship is the polar opposite of the definition of freedom:

I procured this definition of freedom at Dictionary.com whose ease of availability keeps most of my posts free of spelling errors:

  1. Exemption from external control, interference, regulation
  2. Personal liberty, as opposed to bondage or slavery
  3. Exemption from the presence of anything specified (usually fol. by from): freedom from fear.
  4. The absence of or release from ties, obligations, etc.
  5. Frankness of manner or speech.
  6. The power to exercise choice and make decisions without constraint from within or without; autonomy; self-determination.

Co-dependency, while being self-imposed is unconscious and while we feel we are making free choices we definitely are not. It takes a lot of heartache to disembowel your primary thought process and actually realize that it is not the end all, be all of existence. I felt that every decision I made was controlled or interfered with by the presence of my partner simply because I had to consider his needs before I considered mine. I was in fear, not because of any actual danger, but because if I said what I thought or did what I wanted to do he would leave me. This prevented me from exercising personal liberty. I was bound by marriage or verbal commitment and held that obligation with fear of being alone or with guilt that I had not tried hard enough. I lost my personal autonomy altogether because I wanted to be loved, and in all of this I felt I had no choice. And all of these feeling, I believed very deeply were love, I trademarked marked them love as if love were something that must be earned instead of given, as if love could not be granted me unless I acted, thought, or did certain things and it was unbearable. My last relationship unhinged me to the point of self destruction, but if it were not for pain I would not be able to write these words now, because I would still be back there living a delusion, so I am more than grateful for the experience.

I always hope that others do not have to experience what I did in order to find independence, but I have noticed that sometimes we have to lose ourselves in order to find ourselves again and if that’s the price that leads to freedom of illusion then so be it!

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