Archive for the ‘obsession’ Category

I’ve been inspired to write again, at least today by another blog post I came across on Facebook. It’s called Single Dad Laughing and I am responding to a post he wrote called “The Cure for Perfection” I was deeply moved the response to his post and have sent him an email requesting he share my blog post, but either way I want to share it here as I believe it to be the one true thing I have learned. I am also sharing the links I have sent to him that have provided me with the most amount of self reflection, self growth and self love, helping me move out of fear into a place better suited for the perfect humans we already are!

So with out further ado here it is:

Hi Dan,

I didn’t follow the rules or guidelines you suggested. I never do. I hate rules of any kind, but I hope that you will repost this message because I have been very drawn to share it with your readers because the most important thing we can know at this time is that we are already perfect in everyway. When we come from a place of knowing that we are already perfect and keep reminding ourselves of that we are freed up to look deeper.

Perfection is all that can exist . . .

Nothing imperfect exists . . .

And no, I am not a swami . . .

So what does that mean? Does it mean we are perfect in our so called imperfection, yes! Does it mean that perfection is our continual state of being? Yes! I am writing to tell you that you are perfect exactly as you are now, every little ugly spot or bad mistake or error in judgment or rotten word you cursed at the guy going way too slow in front of you is perfection at it’s finest. Yup, you are perfect, so you can stop worrying about being any more perfect and start focusing on what makes you feel uncomfortable, what makes you afraid and that which you choose to change about yourself. You see the thing is, perfectionism is not the enemy, it could be a symptom of something you don’t want to look at, like smelly feet or a rotten tooth, but more likely it’s about being afraid, because fear my friend is the enemy. Fear of rejection, fear of failure, fear of the unknown, fear that your pizza will be burned on the bottom. Seriously, think about it. What have you feared today? Good Lord, make a list and you will see that fear is the ultimate buzz kill, because without it we would just roll along taking things as they come and dealing with them as they happen, not before, because the other half of it is projecting the fear of what could happen without ever really knowing that it could. This constant thinking and all knowing voice in your head that says it has all the answers, but we know differently, don’t we? Every single one of us has had a situation or two turn out exactly the opposite of what we projected and we’ve said to ourselves, “Wow, I never thought it would turn out like that!” And you were happily surprised. We have seen horrible, terrible situations like child abductions turn into causes that have saved the lives of thousands. Open your mind for a minute and you will see the past does not equal the future and your future can change in a minute by simply asking yourself one question, what am I afraid of? If that answer brings up more fear ask another, why am I afraid of that? The more questions you ask the more answers you will receive and so on and so on until a solutions is found, a lesson is learned and a deep knowing that perfection is all around us is embraced. When we take a concept like being perfect and turn it into the enemy at the gate we never, ever get to the truth. We, all of us, are afraid and that’s perfect too, because when we see that it’s just fear that holds us we can shine a light on what is really making us uncomfortable, confront it and then deal with it. But we gotta look at the ugly before we can see the beauty, and I can tell you I have seen a lot of ugly in my life. I have uncovered a lot of what I am afraid of and faced it square in the face. It ain’t easy, it isn’t pretty and it requires constant examination of my own thoughts, my own fears and what makes me tick. I have learned that I am perfect just as I am, with all my flaws and fear of failure and fear that you might read this and think I’m crazy or long winded or horrible at grammar, but I had to face that fear and share this with you because I am awed by your courage to ask for others to help others in a world of seeming strangers and often strangeness, that I see now as perfect and beautiful and with wild, endless possibilities. There is nothing that cannot be solved or worked through or used for the benefit of teaching others, helping others and showing compassion.  I would like to applaud you and send you this note of gratitude for reminding me how far I have come and for allowing me to share with you some resources that have helped me along the way with the hope that your voice and exposure will be the vehicle by which others can find them.


Journaling Resource: Julia Cameron, The Artist’s Way: http://www.theartistsway.com/

Maia Berens an extraordinary life coach: http://allaboutlifecoaching.com/

National Suicide Prevention Hotline: http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

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These words came to me last night and I am sharing them with you. May they have meaning in your life!

When the lighted path grows dim
hold a candle against the darkness
then speak my name
I will be there for you

When the flame flickers and dies
feel your way against the darkness
then call out my name
I will be there for you

When you can not feel your way
remember the lighted path
and whisper my name
I will be there for you

When you can not remember your way
imagine the path lighted before you
say my name
and I will be there for you
I will be there for you like a foothold
Even in your blackest night
Like a hand to shake you
to awaken you
for even when you slumber
I am here

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Kentucky shurbs . . .  dark spots littering the field, their green matched the green in my shirt. And I wonder, always wonder about the beauty of this land, even in it’s desolation, indeed sometimes because of it. What isn’t there leaves room for the imagination. Plus the land may let you down, but you never take it personal, you know? When crops fail you don’t think the land is trying to hurt you, you just think it is what it is, or you try blaming it on God or the universe or something, but you know that can’t really be true. And just by looking into a field I figured out that man invented God to have someone to blame shit on.

Hmmm . . .

Man invented God so he could have someone to blame shit on. It’s a theory I came up with on the first day of the first week I spent with the man I thought I loved, on a vacation that would end our relationship. But, it being the first day I was still in creative spirits. I was still in a place where the freedom to roam that I desperately sought was bestowed upon me by him through the company he worked for, and while I don’t think I ever really admitted it to him I realized a lot about myself and the world and travel, well motion, while I was stuck in a Hum-V with him, driving and driving for miles. I realized too that he was simply a catalyst for my transformation the same way one needs to strike flint or tinder or whatever the fuck. I mean he was like an ingredient that was a requirement.

Now, none of this can be seen while you are in the midst of it. It can only be observed afterward. After the pain wears off. After you realize it was one tiny stop over on the map of your destiny. A tiny spot that seemed really big and all consuming at the moment and the deal is, it felt like love. I mean true love, deep love, love without limits, but that is fucking bullshit isn’t it? Everything has limits, conditions, restrictions, except knowledge, except learning, except passion and there is love in all of these but it comes from within it is not gotten from someone but it can be bestowed upon them, it is a gift to be given an received and there are limits, self imposed, but limits just the same.

But what I learned about love didn’t/wasn’t realized on the trip necessarily, but some months after during a dormant period and alone time that for me was so painful to speak of it hurts right down the middle like a hole in my gut. He would never understand this because he didn’t have too, has never wanted to, at least not yet. And that makes me happy because I would not wish this feeling upon anyone, well that’s a lie, but I’ll get back to that another time. See the thing is he held pain too, experienced pain too and kind of talked about it, but not really. Like I’m a big man who won’t cry so I’ll just bitch about every fucking thing and wait for someone to see it’s pain or there is pain and maybe they will make it go away. Yup he was that guy, the one who was constantly looking to make the pain go away through others, but who would never actually open up for the healing, cuz when it got too deep he would just move on to the next and the next, a surface dweller. And the reason I know this is because I was that exact same way too and so I was attracted to him like a magnet, a fucking guided missile and I knew nothing good, well nothing, well I knew nothing of what our entanglement would bring . . . Ah co-dependancy, Ah lust, Ah the beauty of doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. It just goes on and on.

No on can write about it while they are in it and while they are in it, it feels really good and really bad at the same time. And no one can write about it until they have closure (a term by the way that I despise) I’m not sure I’ve ever had it in my life, but as I sit here facing a fire, under the threat of encroaching Autumn, beneath skies more cloud filled than blue I know more than I did before he and I were introduced. I know more about myself. I know more about life. I know more about relationships than I ever did before and I while I was in Kentucky I realized that man invented God so he would have someone to blame shit on?

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When I was thinking about writing this post I didn’t realize there was actually a product called, “Hope in a Jar”, but there it is. If I had imagined there was a product named as such I would never have thought it would be a moisturizer, but rather a product that could transform a person, probably a woman, into that someone they always “hoped” to be.

The first person to call beauty products, “Hope in a Jar” was beauty industry pioneer, Charles Revson, he was a very smart man, because he knew that beauty products speak to us from a place inside that says, “You can look better”, “You can be Better”, “if you are more beautiful”. Recently I heard someone remark, “You can’t cure ugly!”, but certainly the beauty industry gives the best hope for a cure. There are so many ways to cure it too! You can use diet, you can use exercise, you can use clothes and accessories and finally you can use make-up. Put your best face forward and smile. If your teeth don’t look so white anymore you can go home and bleach them yourself. And now there are products that will reverse the signs of aging. How does that work exactly? Companies selling hope reap billions of dollars a year. In 2002  Brazil had more Avon Ladies than it had active members of it’s armed forces, 700,000 to be exact. Maybe that was a good thing because wanting to look better should take precedence over wanting to kill people, but still that’s a lot of Avon Ladies parading around in one country selling hope.

When I was younger I used a lot of beauty products, but I used the less expensive kind. I didn’t have to go to a special make-up counter in a high class store to purchase my wares, but as I age I find the more expensive items really do work better and now I buy them but use them sparingly. I make them last. My issue with beauty products and the beauty industry in general is the individual work required to maintain a consistent, positive effect. From shower to hair to make up to outfit can be a long daunting process that requires precision and timing. Add to that a daily exercise routine, meal planning, shopping and expense and  all of a sudden it feels like most of one’s day is spent with great focus on appearance. Do we want to appear attractive to impress others or do we want to appear attractive to impress ourselves? Or have we been taught that appearance is more important then anything else? For me it often feels like if I don’t look like everybody else, if I don’t dress like everybody else and if I don’t value what everybody else values I won’t be appreciated or accepted in a society that values appearance more than substance, unless we are looking at fabrics or calorie content. I believe this adds a lot of stress to our already over-stressed existence and I also believe that other people feel the same way. Maybe I am wrong. It seems like we live in a pretty superficial world and even though that really bothers me I have come to accept it, but I have hope that it can change. I assure you that hope does not come in a jar.

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After a bad break-up or divorce it can be very, very tempting to run right out and hook-up with someone new. It eases the pain and serves as a distraction so you don’t have to think about what just happened. But is it really fair? Is it fair to you? Is it fair to the new person? Let’s face it, when you are fresh out of one relationship are you really in your right mind? Are you ready to be present in new relationship? Even if you are the one who ended your last relationship and you feel like you are ready to move on the next, you probably, most definitely are not.

How do I know this, you might ask?  I know it from experience and I know it because I have seen transitional relationships start and end rather quickly. By quickly I mean within 5 years. Honestly how could they work out? Some people spend their lives in transition. In transition from a past hurt from a past love that they have never gotten over. The biggest signal that a person has not gotten over their last relationship is when they talk about that person and I don’t mean in passing. If you pay attention you will know what I mean, you can hear it in their tone, even if that tone seems negative, even if the person they are talking about was 3 relationships ago. Some people talk about their past relationships because they seemingly have to, say for instance if they have visitation with children, but if you notice the way they talk about their X you will see there is something deeper bubbling around. My X wouldn’t let me mention his X’s name. He also would not put his foot down about certain issues that needed to be addressed in his child’s life and when he spoke to her on the phone I could hear his voice change. Often when he was talking to her he would leave the room, but what I did hear sounded like flirting. When we went to pick his child up for visitations the way his X looked at him reeked of longing and she was nasty to me, even though she was re-married and had another child with her new man. Something stunk! Now that didn’t mean they would get back together, it meant that both of them had not gotten over their relationship. And both of them had transitioned to someone else immediately if not sooner. She married the man she cheated with and he moved on to someone else right away, it wasn’t me. No he had at least 3 relationships that I know of between her and I. That’s another signal that someone is a “transitioner”, they have had a lot of relationships, most lasting only a few years. If you notice this in a potential partner be warned. If you notice this in yourself, be advised the next one probably won’t last either.

If we don’t let the dust settle between relationships we set our selves up for failure in a seemingly endless cycle of transitions because we have never healed the original pain within us. It could come from that first High School crush or it could come from our up-bringing or it could be a combination of both. How do you know if you are transitioning? You know because you are bringing the same baggage you had previously into your life with the new person. You might compare your X with your new partner. You might think about your old partner whenever there is trouble in your new relationship. But mostly you know you are transitioning when you enter into a new relationship out of a need instead of a want. The feeling is a strong, intense pull to get on with it, and to put up with things that don’t feel right in the new relationship just so you can be in one, but even more it’s about what you are telling yourself, for example, “When I meet someone else I will feel better!” Also, other people will tell you this, they might say, “All you have to do is meet someone else and you will get over so and so.” I caution you when listening to this advice because most people have that mindset and most people are not satisfied in their relationships. Take the information from whence it came. Most people, unless they married their High School sweetheart, are harboring emotional pain from someone they never got over and they think they got over it by moving on to the next person. Some people have done this so many times they become impossible to live with, impossible to please and they can’t see you for who you really are, but rather they see you through a filter of what happened in the past. They blame every bad relationship on their X’s and sound most of the time like victims of circumstance. If you feel like a victim of circumstance you might want to look at your relationship history to see if you are living out a cycle of transitions and then you may want to take a vacation from relationships until you figure out a way to heal from it all. Give yourself at least a year to get to know yourself, who you are, what you want in life and how to love yourself first. It may seem like a long time, but think of how much time you will waste by spending 3 years with one person, then 5 years with another. When all it would take is a year or two of being single to discover what it takes to have a lasting, life long relationship, if that’s what you decide you want. That sounds like a big payoff to me!

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All men seek some relationship to the Universal Mind, the Over-Soul, or the Eternal Spirit, which we call God. And Life reveals itself to whoever is receptive to it. That we are living in a spiritual Universe, which includes the material or physical universe, has been a conclusion of the deepest thinkers of every age. That this spiritual Universe must be one of pure Intelligence and perfect Life, dominated by Love, by Reason and by the power to create, seems an inevitable conclusion”.  ~The Science of Mind. Ernest Holmes

For as long as I can remember I have sought knowledge of the universe and have been obsessed with how things work within it. It’s been like a quest to figure it all out. I want to know why things happen. I want to control my own destiny. I also believe that in one way or another we all want the same things, some want some things more than others, but it’s pretty basic stuff, love, money, happiness, health etc. Some thoughts about the way the universe works tell us we create everything in our own reality and sometimes without knowing it we create situations we don’t like or that are seemingly difficult or painful. Some even say we create our own illnesses and this happens for reasons we can’t see yet. They say there is a bigger picture that will eventually reveal itself. They say we can find beauty in anything if we look hard enough. I suppose if you look for it you will find it. I suppose if you look for anything you can find it. I personally believe it’s about yin yang and that nothing is either good or bad it just is and this is what helps you decide how you want to view your life and the circumstances in it.

Let’s use the example of the flood that is still pouring into my house and has been for over a week now. On the one hand it has been devastating. I have lost a couple thousand dollars if not more in damage and repair fees. I have spent countless hours pumping water out of the basement and my back is killing me from lifting wet heavy boxes out of small moldy spaces. In fact I spent a whole weekend doing it and I am still not done. What’s the upside? Well I hate to admit this but I have been procrastinating for months about emptying out that basement and either selling the contents or throwing it away or donating a lot to charity and each week for the last several months I have religiously taken a big green garbage bag out to the trash. Well guess what? The process that I put into motion has taken a giant leap and now I will have it all taken care of by month’s end. If you ask my neighbors where they can find the good in this situation they might not see it the way I do, but it also has brought us all together and we are communicating and sharing ideas about how to prevent this happening in the future and these are people who might just wave hello in passing but would never really commiserate and I see this as a way of pulling a small community together and I think that is very important. Personally the whole experience is giving me a kick start in the pants to get moving with a long overdue goal and I didn’t see this in the beginning. I only saw the hassle of it. I guess I just didn’t see the big picture. This is not the first time something seemingly “bad” has been transformed into something “good” in my life. But at the same time it could all just be bullshit about me searching my mind on how to rationalize a painful experience so I can find a reason to get through it.

What are your thoughts? 

Have you ever had an experience that allowed you to see the bigger picture and if so did you think, everything happens for a reason? Or do you think these are ideas we use to placate ourselves during times of pain and stress?

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