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Archive for the ‘personal stories’ Category

I’ve been inspired to write again, at least today by another blog post I came across on Facebook. It’s called Single Dad Laughing and I am responding to a post he wrote called “The Cure for Perfection” I was deeply moved the response to his post and have sent him an email requesting he share my blog post, but either way I want to share it here as I believe it to be the one true thing I have learned. I am also sharing the links I have sent to him that have provided me with the most amount of self reflection, self growth and self love, helping me move out of fear into a place better suited for the perfect humans we already are!

So with out further ado here it is:

Hi Dan,

I didn’t follow the rules or guidelines you suggested. I never do. I hate rules of any kind, but I hope that you will repost this message because I have been very drawn to share it with your readers because the most important thing we can know at this time is that we are already perfect in everyway. When we come from a place of knowing that we are already perfect and keep reminding ourselves of that we are freed up to look deeper.

Perfection is all that can exist . . .

Nothing imperfect exists . . .

And no, I am not a swami . . .

So what does that mean? Does it mean we are perfect in our so called imperfection, yes! Does it mean that perfection is our continual state of being? Yes! I am writing to tell you that you are perfect exactly as you are now, every little ugly spot or bad mistake or error in judgment or rotten word you cursed at the guy going way too slow in front of you is perfection at it’s finest. Yup, you are perfect, so you can stop worrying about being any more perfect and start focusing on what makes you feel uncomfortable, what makes you afraid and that which you choose to change about yourself. You see the thing is, perfectionism is not the enemy, it could be a symptom of something you don’t want to look at, like smelly feet or a rotten tooth, but more likely it’s about being afraid, because fear my friend is the enemy. Fear of rejection, fear of failure, fear of the unknown, fear that your pizza will be burned on the bottom. Seriously, think about it. What have you feared today? Good Lord, make a list and you will see that fear is the ultimate buzz kill, because without it we would just roll along taking things as they come and dealing with them as they happen, not before, because the other half of it is projecting the fear of what could happen without ever really knowing that it could. This constant thinking and all knowing voice in your head that says it has all the answers, but we know differently, don’t we? Every single one of us has had a situation or two turn out exactly the opposite of what we projected and we’ve said to ourselves, “Wow, I never thought it would turn out like that!” And you were happily surprised. We have seen horrible, terrible situations like child abductions turn into causes that have saved the lives of thousands. Open your mind for a minute and you will see the past does not equal the future and your future can change in a minute by simply asking yourself one question, what am I afraid of? If that answer brings up more fear ask another, why am I afraid of that? The more questions you ask the more answers you will receive and so on and so on until a solutions is found, a lesson is learned and a deep knowing that perfection is all around us is embraced. When we take a concept like being perfect and turn it into the enemy at the gate we never, ever get to the truth. We, all of us, are afraid and that’s perfect too, because when we see that it’s just fear that holds us we can shine a light on what is really making us uncomfortable, confront it and then deal with it. But we gotta look at the ugly before we can see the beauty, and I can tell you I have seen a lot of ugly in my life. I have uncovered a lot of what I am afraid of and faced it square in the face. It ain’t easy, it isn’t pretty and it requires constant examination of my own thoughts, my own fears and what makes me tick. I have learned that I am perfect just as I am, with all my flaws and fear of failure and fear that you might read this and think I’m crazy or long winded or horrible at grammar, but I had to face that fear and share this with you because I am awed by your courage to ask for others to help others in a world of seeming strangers and often strangeness, that I see now as perfect and beautiful and with wild, endless possibilities. There is nothing that cannot be solved or worked through or used for the benefit of teaching others, helping others and showing compassion.  I would like to applaud you and send you this note of gratitude for reminding me how far I have come and for allowing me to share with you some resources that have helped me along the way with the hope that your voice and exposure will be the vehicle by which others can find them.

Resources:

Journaling Resource: Julia Cameron, The Artist’s Way: http://www.theartistsway.com/

Maia Berens an extraordinary life coach: http://allaboutlifecoaching.com/

National Suicide Prevention Hotline: http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

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candle_flame

These words came to me last night and I am sharing them with you. May they have meaning in your life!

When the lighted path grows dim
hold a candle against the darkness
then speak my name
I will be there for you

When the flame flickers and dies
feel your way against the darkness
then call out my name
I will be there for you

When you can not feel your way
remember the lighted path
and whisper my name
I will be there for you

When you can not remember your way
imagine the path lighted before you
say my name
and I will be there for you
I will be there for you like a foothold
Even in your blackest night
Like a hand to shake you
to awaken you
for even when you slumber
I am here

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Kentucky shurbs . . .  dark spots littering the field, their green matched the green in my shirt. And I wonder, always wonder about the beauty of this land, even in it’s desolation, indeed sometimes because of it. What isn’t there leaves room for the imagination. Plus the land may let you down, but you never take it personal, you know? When crops fail you don’t think the land is trying to hurt you, you just think it is what it is, or you try blaming it on God or the universe or something, but you know that can’t really be true. And just by looking into a field I figured out that man invented God to have someone to blame shit on.

Hmmm . . .

Man invented God so he could have someone to blame shit on. It’s a theory I came up with on the first day of the first week I spent with the man I thought I loved, on a vacation that would end our relationship. But, it being the first day I was still in creative spirits. I was still in a place where the freedom to roam that I desperately sought was bestowed upon me by him through the company he worked for, and while I don’t think I ever really admitted it to him I realized a lot about myself and the world and travel, well motion, while I was stuck in a Hum-V with him, driving and driving for miles. I realized too that he was simply a catalyst for my transformation the same way one needs to strike flint or tinder or whatever the fuck. I mean he was like an ingredient that was a requirement.

Now, none of this can be seen while you are in the midst of it. It can only be observed afterward. After the pain wears off. After you realize it was one tiny stop over on the map of your destiny. A tiny spot that seemed really big and all consuming at the moment and the deal is, it felt like love. I mean true love, deep love, love without limits, but that is fucking bullshit isn’t it? Everything has limits, conditions, restrictions, except knowledge, except learning, except passion and there is love in all of these but it comes from within it is not gotten from someone but it can be bestowed upon them, it is a gift to be given an received and there are limits, self imposed, but limits just the same.

But what I learned about love didn’t/wasn’t realized on the trip necessarily, but some months after during a dormant period and alone time that for me was so painful to speak of it hurts right down the middle like a hole in my gut. He would never understand this because he didn’t have too, has never wanted to, at least not yet. And that makes me happy because I would not wish this feeling upon anyone, well that’s a lie, but I’ll get back to that another time. See the thing is he held pain too, experienced pain too and kind of talked about it, but not really. Like I’m a big man who won’t cry so I’ll just bitch about every fucking thing and wait for someone to see it’s pain or there is pain and maybe they will make it go away. Yup he was that guy, the one who was constantly looking to make the pain go away through others, but who would never actually open up for the healing, cuz when it got too deep he would just move on to the next and the next, a surface dweller. And the reason I know this is because I was that exact same way too and so I was attracted to him like a magnet, a fucking guided missile and I knew nothing good, well nothing, well I knew nothing of what our entanglement would bring . . . Ah co-dependancy, Ah lust, Ah the beauty of doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. It just goes on and on.

No on can write about it while they are in it and while they are in it, it feels really good and really bad at the same time. And no one can write about it until they have closure (a term by the way that I despise) I’m not sure I’ve ever had it in my life, but as I sit here facing a fire, under the threat of encroaching Autumn, beneath skies more cloud filled than blue I know more than I did before he and I were introduced. I know more about myself. I know more about life. I know more about relationships than I ever did before and I while I was in Kentucky I realized that man invented God so he would have someone to blame shit on?

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instant_nice_person

The entire time I was growing up everyone told me that I was “TOO” nice. Since I was nice I didn’t say it aloud, but I thought, “What the Fuck does that mean?” I’m too nice as if it were a bad thing. How can being nice be a bad thing? Now nice is evil too. So I didn’t stop being nice. Now after many years of being nice I can see how it could be detrimental to my health. I doesn’t hurt anyone else, cause they have the benefit of my niceness but it does hurt me, especially if I am nice while assuming because I am nice everyone else will be just like me… NOT!

Nope. I have learned that most people are not nice. Most people, (and when I say most here I mean 80% or so), are looking out for themselves, to see what they can get from you or simply aren’t nice because they are afraid that if they put themselves out there and give it won’t be returned or they will get hurt. The whole issue is based around fear and lack and it is just pissing me off today. Pissing me off beyond measure because I am more the exception then the rule. This doesn’t surprise me it simply angers me. I can see it all so clearly, you know? If everyone were not so afraid of getting hurt or used or taken advantage of or whatever the fuck then surely we would just automatically do nice things for others, since it is part of our fundamental nature. Or maybe it isn’t I honestly have no fucking clue anymore.

What does this have to do with dating dudes, choosing dudes and dudes in general? And how did I come up with this topic? It’s a long story that goes back to a Junior High School Cafeteria and I won’t mention it now, let’s just say that when this article arrived in my email box this morning I was touched that indeed 100 men out of a thousand actually valued women who were nice! Didn’t that just make my day?! Since I have been told and am still being told that I have to be less nice. Well all I can say to that is Ah Ha, and see. At least now I know there are men who want to do more than play hard to get games, who actually value genuine qualities in a woman, and even though they are at the top of the food chain they do exist! I think we can all find delight in that!

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I posted, several weeks ago about a guy named Andrew R Mireles whose photo you won’t be able to see because the new wordpress format will not allow me to upload it or something. If you remember he was the girl who said he was a guy and none of us believed he could fool his spouse and so many people for so long. Well this morning when I checked my comments page I found a comment from someone who said they were a member of the Jennifer Jacks family. Now normally I would insert a picture of Jennifer Jacks her, but you will have to imagine what she looks like or do a search yourself because I cannot do it today, Aw Nuts! Any way I am posting the entire comment for everyone to read, so the we now get another look at the story, from another perspective. I have been told and I have said this there is usually more than one side to every story, yours, theirs and the truth! So without further ado here is the un-edited content from the comments section of that post!

“Since I am a member of Jenifer Jacks family, let me fill you in on a few things not included in the story. I knew Andrew/Phyllis for 10 years I never once suspected he was a female. Andrew is a pathological liar and has carried this lie on for half his life. As far as the sex he claimed he was a hermaphidite (which was never shared with the family for privacy)
and was embarassed for anyone to see him nude. He always wore a shirt and boxers and she was not allowed to touch him. Obviously he had a strap on device and he used a condom to disguise the texture. She did have one indiscretion during a brief seperation before they married and never thought the 1st child was anyone but Andrew’s. The second child was conceived by insemination since she was unable to get pregnant. Well it would help if Andrew had all the male parts! The sperm was bought over the internet and the child was created in their home.

I realize this is all hard to believe and not even Jerry Springer could pen this episode! But wait it gets better.

Andrew is a convicted felon for buglarizing a former employer and is on parole. His parole can be revolked now for falsifying State documents (Marriage License). Yes he served his time in a male detetion facility.

It still gets better, He has also legally (although it is illegal and 2nd time to falsify a State Document) remairred another woman who was unawre he was a female until she was subpoenaed for this court case. She is currently having her marriage annulled, and she has a child she thought was his.

The only interest is keeping this sexually confused, pathalogical liar, convicted felon away from two innocent children. Nothing else. The courts have disolved the marriage and any visitation rights that go with it. Andrew can still fight for custody and attourneys for the children have been appointed by the ourt to make sure their best interest is met.

I kow it is hard to believe and even as a family member I thought it was BS as well. Once you see the lies and deception and know ALL the facts of the case it becomes a believable story.

His family even stood at the wedding and let it go on knowing he was truly a girl. That is sick in its own way!”

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They Came

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They Dug

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I had to sneak in a picture of that butt! What is it with construction guys and saggy pants?

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I couldn’t get a picture of the original giant hole because there was too much going on and I think they thought it was weird that I was photographing anyway! It was really messy and smelly, like the bottom of an empty pond. . .

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The Infamous Black Mold! It crawled up the inside of the far wall, but they took the walls out, still kind of creepy though!

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It’s still pretty dirty down there, but it’s dry dirt, which is far superior to the wading pool of the past. You can see dampness around the base of the wall, but this is much better!

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I guess it’s true that if you think you have it bad there is always someone somewhere who has it a lot worse. This morning as I was pumping 300 gallons of water out of my basement, in what is now a morning ritual, I decided I would bite the bullet and spend $3800.00 to have this flooding problem fixed. I have had 3 estimates. The highest was for a B-dry system – $5900.00 and I could never afford that at this time, but I have been putting the decision off hoping the water would stop coming in because I don’t like to make decisions when I am stressed, or when I feel pressured. But it rained all day yesterday and last night and  when I went downstairs this morning I had enough, you know? So I made the call and committed to have the work done. Then I sat down to look for something to blog about and I found the Fox News Story , entitled, “Bush Declares Major Disaster in Central U.S. After Flood Kills at Least 13”. Let me share the visual with you.

flood-1.jpg

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This news was very humbling to me and I realized that my problem was not nearly as bad as a lot of other people who are truly suffering right now. I cannot imagine what it would be like to be rescued from a flood by a motor boat or having my business float away and get wedged under a bridge. So I guess my little problem can be corrected and I am grateful that I still have my life, my house, my business, my car and all my belongings! What are you grateful for today?

But as I was looking at the news page I found another article entitled:

“Woman Goes for Leg Operation, Gets New Anus

Instead”

Okay, what immediately crossed my mind was the image of an anus:

anus.jpg

The next image that crossed my mind was that of a leg:

leg.jpg

Then I thought how could anyone ever confuse the two? Then I thought how do they give you a new anus? I didn’t know that was possible. And, under what circumstances would a new anus be required? I was perplexed! So I read the article, which was so short I can paste it below and even though it was short it kind of explained the new anus dilemma, which was such a relief!

A German retiree is taking a hospital to court after she went in for a leg operation and got a new anus instead, the Daily Telegraph is reporting.

The woman woke up to find she had been mixed up with another patient suffering from incontinence who was to have surgery on her sphincter.

The clinic in Hochfranken, Bavaria, has since suspended the surgical team.

Now the woman is planning to sue the hospital. She still needs the leg operation and is searching for another hospital to do it.

Image waking up with a new sphincter! Did I mention that I love the word sphincter?  What pain-in-the-Ass!

sphincter.jpg

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