But first, a disclaimer:
What you take away from this page is yours, your thoughts, your impressions, your feelings, they all belong to you and are yours to ponder and intro-spect about for as long as you see fit. What I’ve posted on this page is mine and I have pondered about it, about posting it all, photos included. There are a lot of different view points on weight loss and self image and self love floating about on the blog-0-sphere and I believe they are all valid. Perhaps you’ve come across something you feel is more valid than what I am about to say, do feel free to take it with you.
I write this disclaimer because this is really, really public and very difficult to write about, for me. For someone else it may seem easier. Since I was 9 I have had people, mostly male, in my life who were less than gracious when it came to informing me about what I should do about my weight and about my body. These men, (one of them my father), were very influential in how I perceived myself, how I came to NOT love myself and how I viewed femanine beauty as a whole. They were also, and this is important, primarily who shaped my relationship with men and my attitudes towards them. As a result I kept dating and or marrying basically the same man in different form. Interestingly, many of my female friends are/were in agreement with what I was taught and so we would bend ourselves inside out to fit a perceived notion of what others thought would make us attractive. This involved various diet and exercise schemes that were supposed to work, but for me never did. There came a time in my life when I attempted self acceptance, fat acceptance and for the love of me I hoped it would work. I hoped anything would work, and still I became more and more depressed. I did not recognize who looked back at me from the mirror and the depression permeated every aspect of my life. An ugly situation to be sure.
When I started writing this blog I felt like was terminally broken. I felt angry because another man had rejected me because I was fat and I would not delve to mention this as a reason, even in all of my rantings. So now, I’m coming out. I do this for several reasons. One, to remind myself in print, on the screen, how far I’ve come. I’ve come this far in my writing simply by continuing. I’ve come this far in my self appreciation, simply by posting a photo of where I was when I started, (which I never would have shown the “world” before). And, I’ve come this far in actually, finally being able to celebrate me. The greatest gift I have to offer is myself, and if this page is how I do it, then that is how it’s going to get done.
I also want to share what I’ve learned about disordered eating and finding the cure. You see I basically hit rock bottom with my eating, it happens you know. You wake up one morning and you’re covered in cinnamon buns and dark chocolate truffles and you feel like shit and remember you went on a bender and you hate yourself for it. You keep asking yourself why you do it. I would imagine an alcoholic feels this same way a lot. Then the only thing that will make you feel better is another crappy meal and all of a sudden your on your way to a lonley, quiet desperation that you would never share with another soul. You see your life spiraling into a place where food is your only comfort and you begin to wonder if it’s all worth it. Yeah, I was right there. Until a synchronicity took hold of my life and I decided to open up to it, for once I decided to listen. I was guided to a Doctor in South Africa (via a friend & a website), whose belief system was not a new one, but one that actually works. I found a Doctor who figured out what the trouble is and who believes the trouble is an illness, a chemical problem that can be solved through a food prescription that he writes for you based upon a blood test that you take monthly. The thing is you have to be ready, willing and able to accept this as true and to then act on that truth as medicine for a lifetime. That is the real deal with anything that works, isn’t it?
So I decided, on my own for the first time ever, to trust in the guidance of a complete stranger and the recommendation of a new acquaintance. And it was the best first time ever decision I have ever made. I’ve learned that although losing weight is great, there is another component that always gets left out, that part that many big-losers won’t tell you. The real change comes from within, the body and mind are so connected that if one isn’t well the other will always be hopelessly in distress. So just losing the weight and staying the course isn’t enough, but once the body changes the mind does follow. Sometimes it might take a while for the mind to catch up. And it stands to reason that when the body is no longer chemically imbalanced neither is the mind. You have to experience it . . .
So I have decided to post my before, during and after shots to demonstrate what can happen when you love yourself enough to realize what you are doing doesn’t work and it’s time to embrace change. I actually had a photo taken every month, but these are the highlights: