Posts Tagged ‘dating’


Sounds a little hokey, right? Maybe a little too romantic, too dreamy, not fastened to reality as it should be? Some people would say that taking your dreams literally without dissecting them sets you up for a let down. Carl Jung believed that you are everything in your dream, that dog, that table, that sunset, that ray of light and the darkness that sometimes prevails. He asked you to look at your surroundings, are they backlit with sunshine or gloom, lightening or clouds. What is the setting? These can often determine your subconscious landscape, that which exists behind the scenes of conscious reality? Do you fly? Do you die? Do you feel happy or distressed. I like working my dreams using Jung’s analysis, it lends insight into what I’m in denial about, or what I’m repressing, and generally I dream a lot. Often my dreams are like novels with chapters and characters that coalesce to form stories. I have, in the past, kept a dream log. I was fascinated by the life I was living in my subconscious. Fascinated and sometimes a little sad because there weren’t as many bright and shiny days as I’d like. There was a lot of turbulence and the landscape was gray. After awhile rather than recording all my dreams in a journal I simply wrote down those that felt very, very real to me, and even if I couldn’t figure out what they meant I knew some information would reveal itself to me later. Our dreams can truly inform us if we allow them to.

Since I am so familiar with my dream life I take notice when the canvas changes and I take particular notice when I am given a very specific message in a dream. One night about 3 weeks ago I was awoken from sleep after dreaming about a man who was so attractive to me, so much fun and so protective that I felt filled with joy. I felt like a child again playing with someone who I felt very close to. It was, in a word, delightful. Now, if we go with Jung’s way of analyzing this experience, in the dream I had met another aspect of myself the loving, strong, playful child. This man was strong and I felt protected in his presence. I felt safe. And Indeed this feeling was/is a gift to myself to know that inside me is a strong and loving presence.

This night upon waking I also was given a poem, really a kind of rhyme that I wrote down and expanded upon in the days that followed. It describes the man of my dreams. In the days and weeks prior to the dream I had been toying with the idea of dating and I believe this is what prompted my subconscious to spew out what it was I really desired in a man, those qualities which would endear him to me and the qualities I posses that would endear me to him. We attract who we are inside. I’m going to post it here as a way to validate that part of me that dreams, that part of me that exists, but is not always taken seriously by me. It is a reminder that the answers are inside us whenever we decide to acknowledge them as real!

You’re soft enough to hold me


Strong enough to let me roam

You’re patient enough to get to know me


Independent enough to live on your own

You’re man enough to know what love is


Boyish enough to make me smile

You’re old enough to understand life


Open enough to laugh at it all the while

You’re rich enough to know what really matters


Free from work enough to have a good time

You’re passionate enough to really enjoy kissing


Connected enough to know that making love is divine

You’re romantic enough to court me


Sweet enough to bring me flowers

Your clever enough to get me thinking


Funny enough that together we laugh for hours

You’re aware enough to know your own feelings


Contemplative enough to share them with me

Your honest enough to live with honor


Candid enough to know what the consequences of lying will be

Your instinctive enough to read these words


See, that the qualities I desire in you are the same ones you see in me

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Okay, okay, okay! Let’s start this out by asking a good question about sex and the urge to have it as an impetus when we are gearing up to date again.

As you may or may not know I have been putting off dating in order to give myself a chance to determine what I like, I’ve been dating myself first, and I have come to a determination of what characteristics I want in a man, what I value the most and also what type of person I would be compatible with. To my mind this could be a tall order to fill, since I’m pretty far off from the traditional “gurl” and can be quirky, odd, free-willed and independent to a fault. Plus I tend to be a loner and have difficulty believing that I could find someone who I would want to see every single morning, bad breath and bed head and all. And I have decided to put myself out there and see who I meet. The venue you ask? Well, what else but the internet for me? I’m basically a recluse in a town where your choices of available men are 2, the Rednecks and the Jocks, well there is some odd bred in between the 2, but they are hard to find, usually married or just plain weird. You do have your geeks, but they are off somewhere at computer conventions, I think.

But I digress. The thing is when you’ve been single for a long time something starts to happen biologically, maybe it’s the biological imperative, I think I’m too old for that. Maybe it’s a monthly hormonal imbalance. Maybe it’s just plain human to want to get your groove on with the opposite sex. Whatever it may be, I’ve been having a lot of it lately, and this gives me cause for concern, since there ain’t no way I’m jumping into bed with some normally un-dateable dude just because I have an itch I need to scratch.

I know there are women out there who are going to think I am not into the feminine movement because of what I’m about to say, but frankly Maude, I don’t give a shit!

The way I see it, no matter what you try to tell me or convince me of, men and women are biologically different, and equipped differently as well. I thought I would point that out in case you hadn’t noticed. It’s this difference in equipment that makes the sex act a completely opposite experience for each partner, duh. Let me splain, you see when women have sex they are taking in the man’s energy, when men have sex they are expending energy. Now, I don’t know about you, but I want any energy I take in to be fully qualified to enter. This goes for the people I surround myself with too, but it is most important when I’m deciding who to couple with. Nuff said!

So even if your hormones are calling, don’t date that dude unless he is well qualified, because you’re the one who has to deal with the repercussions later, and a hot bath won’t get it done.

As a result of all this thinking and reminiscing about errors in judgment I have made in the past I’ve decided to make a list to help you decide if you’re just too horny to date safely.

· You’re a 46 year-old woman who thinks about sex as much as a high school boy

· Your mind begins to wander whenever you see something long and cylindrical

· You’ve cycled through 12 sets of C batteries and 9 sets of doubles AA’s and you and the guy at the porn store are on a first name basis

· Formerly un-dateable dudes seem oddly alluring?

· You believe you could make millions by developing a perfume named, “Odoor-D- Sex”

· Paying for sex makes logical sense

· You actually know “why the caged bird sings”

· You have developed a deep empathy with cats-in-heat

· You would give your eye teeth to catch a ride on the back of a motorcycle

· You and your stationary bike have developed a personal relationship

· You haven’t had a “headache” for years

· You keep checking your calendar to see when your next Brazilian is, the last one was so erotic

· The cashier at the grocery store keeps asking you why you buy so many cucumbers

· Chocolate has lost it’s appeal

· You have amassed a large collection of Thongs, but don’t remember buying them

· Anything that vibrates is gold

· People keep asking you why you are so jittery

· You buy men’s cologne to spray on and then keep smelling yourself

· You go to home stores and strike up conversations with random male employees

· Tight jeans feel good

Word to the wise or soon to be wiser, if you can answer yes to 5 or more of these statements you may want to reconsider dating until the urge passes, and it will pass, especially if you start cruising some photos on one or more of the dating sites, this is enough to make a sane woman stone cold sober. This should be a very interesting experience for me . . .

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Pamper Yourself ~

What have you done for you lately?

I was sitting at my good friend’s hair salon yesterday, for hair day, and being the “watcher” that I am I was noticing how much all of the patrons were enjoying the services they were receiving, be it a color, cut or shampoo and then it dawned on me that this appointment, usually scheduled every 4 to 6 weeks, might be the only me time they got. Hmmm? It was probably a little slice in the time slot of their weekly schedules that they had all to themselves, away from responsibilities of home and family, work and stress and I wondered if they even noticed how much they were loving it? We all need me time, alone time, time to be pampered and looked after. And sometimes simply adding something like a monthly massage or pedicure or manicure can be the key to helping us enjoy life a whole lot more. We often do it and aren’t aware of it, or we don’t do it and feel like something is missing from our lives.

I’m the self indulgent type, so I usually treat myself to little gifts, massages, waxing, (doesn’t seem like a treat), facials, pedicures and once for 6 months in a row I had flowers delivered to my door, (monthly). I even wrote myself a note telling myself how marvelous and incredible I was. In essence I sent myself love during a time when I was feeling slightly unloved. We can fulfill our own needs and often the best way to achieve this is by identifying them. Are you feeling like you never get touched? Schedule a massage! Come on, you know you can afford it if you save up weekly, it will give you something to look forward to! Are you feeling like you can never be alone add something stupid like an hour walk for yourself, you don’t even have to take the dog, just tell everyone that’s what you are going to do and then do it, people around you can adjust to your needs as long as you communicate it them properly. Are you feeling like you need a change? Go to a hair salon and do it, get a haircut, and color, and guys can do this too and they can get massages, pedicures and take walks. The best place for me to walk is by the water. Most states have a register of hiking trails, albeit they can be difficult to find, but then it becomes and adventure. Walking by large lakes, rivers and of course the ocean are all places I can lose myself. Pampering yourself doesn’t have to be about money indulgence it can just be about finding something to do that is outside of your normal routine, something that you have always wanted to do and that you never seem to find the time for. If it feels like work you aren’t pampering yourself, if it feels like fun, if it feels like something you can lose yourself in especially if you forget about time when you are doing it you know you’ve found the one thing you’ve been longing for, that one thing to complete you and when you do it you improve your relationship with yourself. You complete you! Contrary to popular opinion, self indulgence when done in the light of self care is a good thing and we all, everyone of us is in need of it, whether we admit it to ourselves or not. Figure out what you need, what is missing and then fill the void. You’ll feel a lot better and you will have more to give back to the world!

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Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth.

~Oscar Wilde

A wise friend once told me, that for the first year of every relationship you are not dating the person, you are dating their representative! Pretty funny, right? I believe this is fundamentally true. I think in love relationships as in life we all wear masks. Not to say that this is a bad thing. I mean we, most of us, would act differently around out mothers than we would around our closest friends and even our bosses and co-workers. This is how we navigate in society and while our primary M.O. is usually constant we are adaptable and able to change when circumstances require it. So it goes without saying that when we are dating we do what we can to make the best impression on a potential partner. Some people are better at this than others and it may take a lot longer to get to know those people than it does to get know people who are not so good at it.

I was told over and over again by my X and by my daughter in particular that I should try to be more like the former. I am too right out there with what I am thinking. I have often been told that I am TOO honest, if that’s even possible, and that I need to learn when to keep my mouth shut. In essence in “love” relationships, especially in the beginning less is more. But what the fuck is up with that? I am not good at coy disguises and I believe that being up front with someone is the most important quality a person can have, but you know, when you hear it from more than one person you start to question yourself and your primary beliefs and worse yet you start to question the true motivation of others. Am I dating him or his representative? Is it real or is it Memorex? Since I am up front and out there with everything almost right from the beginning, I unconsciously believe that everyone else is too! That for the most part people are as honest with me as I am with them and that simply is not true. Alternatively people who are secret keepers and who are less honest also believe that everyone else is like them and that must truly suck! In some ways dating is like a really long job interview and I was never too good at those either, telling more than was necessary of the truth and failing miserably as well. I think that is why I work for myself. I can’t stand bullshit artists and I simply don’t bullshit well, unless I have too, then I am a fabulous liar, but never in my personal life and I hate the idea that I have to alter my personality to be coy and mysterious when I’m not and eventually I will be found out, I mean eventually when you live with someone everything comes out doesn’t it? And wouldn’t you like to know everything sooner rather than later? I certainly would! Probably not on the first date or even the second or third, but definitely before I crawl into bed with you.

I was talking to another close friend about a surgery I am scheduled to have and before I chose a surgeon I interviewed 5 doctors and still I was afraid I had chosen the wrong one. I said, “What if my bad choice in men bleeds over into the way I choose surgeons?” Being the highly intelligent creature she is, (My friends are so smart), she said, “But you’ve done your homework, you’ve done the research, it’s sad, but true, that most people never do any research about their love interests or the people they date, they simply jump headlong into the relationship without finding out who they are with or what their track record is!” I found that answer to be a little bit of genius and I promised myself I would never get into another relationship with someone without doing my homework! It makes too much sense not to!

How do you know if you are dating him or his representative?

Well, pay attention. I’ll say it again pay attention. Peek behind the mask. Watch how he acts around friends, his mother, his children and if he isn’t willing to let you into that world where you can observe him, don’t let him into your pants! That is the mistake I have always made in the past, only to find out later that he treated his mother like shit and his home looked like an atom bomb went off inside spewing debris everywhere or I’ve seen the alternative where his home was so meticulous that he alphabetized his canned goods, it should have been a warning to me, but that warning came too late because I had already gotten too intimate too soon. For me and probably for most women, (not all), having sex equates to feeling really connected to someone and then the blinders go up because we want more and then it’s too late to nip it in the bud. So find out if you are dating him or his representative before you let the relationship get physical. It’s only good common sense, unless you just want to get laid and then it doesn’t really matter does it?

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“Shanequia say she gonna stand on dat telephone wit her pants off til her man call like he say he would!”

I got this one in my email box and thought it was perfect to post. Obviously it’s the worst possible example of what NOT to do to get a man to call. In fact I will venture to say, stop giving a shit about whether he calls or not and get on with your life, cuz let’s face it, you can’t make someone do something they don’t want to do and if he likes you enough, is mature enough and isn’t into game playing he will call. But a lot of times women like to have a crowd gather to play out the drama of the man not calling. Maybe it’s not a crowd of cops or gawkers but it’s a crowd of female friends who can listen and relate to her tale of woe. Then when the guy does call she’s all jubilant and carefree until the next time he doesn’t call and it goes on and on like a not so fun roller coaster and the ups and downs can get addictive. Kind of like a sugar rush, or maybe coffee, but it’s a drug all the same and who wants to live on that stuff. I for one do love coffee, but if it isn’t there I can just go out and get some more. I don’t sit around moping and call all my friends to tell them I don’t have any and how upset I am about it, I just get in my car and go. If the first coffee shop is closed I move on to the next one and so on and so and so on. I like to equate that analogy to dating and men calling because it puts things into perspective. And men can be like great cups of coffee or fine wines or a really good meal, or they can be bitter and dark leaving you jittery and nervous waiting for the next infusion they can give you a headache and they can be like fast food restaurants, quick and easy with no nutritional value. Why go for the crap when you can have to really good stuff, you know a nice mellow cup with just the right amount of pick-me-up, or something fine and sweet that leaves you feeling nice and warm inside, or something that sticks to your ribs instead of giving you a knot in the gut?  It’s up to you to decide whether or not you want to drop your pants and stand on top of a phone booth half nude just to make a point or you can get on with your life and enjoy the ride!

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“But Buddha, what if he’s a really, really nice guy that really, really loves me, and I’m just not feeling it for him, shouldn’t I just go out with him anyway and hope my feelings change?”

“No Grasshopper, you should not force yourself to love someone just because they love you, it will never work it is not natural!”

“But Buddha, I am so screwed up inside that I don’t know who to fall in love with anymore, every single guy I have ever dated has been a total loser and all of my relationships have failed, horribly. How can I trust myself to know who is right for me? I am afraid I will be alone forever and ever?”

“Well Grasshopper I don’t know what to tell you except get off your ass, stop feeling sorry for yourself and get a life. For only when you truly know what you want will you be able to answer your own question. Oh, and stop wanting it so bad you sound pathetic and it’s a big turn off. No wonder you pick losers! Come back when you have gained knowledge.”

I guess he told her! Sometimes it’s easier to just hear it straight! No coy disguises, no words of wisdom cloaked in parables about frogs. It is what it is. I bring this up today because those thoughts have crossed my mind in the past and lately I have reminisced about the good ones that got away. The good men that is. I have often chosen, “bad boys”, you know the ones who can’t love, the ones who think the planets revolve around them? Yeah, the ones who are far more screwed up than I will ever be, but who have figured out a way to navigate nice girls so they always end up on top in the end and then walk away leaving me to feel fucked-up and broken, my wittle heart fallen to pieces on the floor.

But what about those super nice guys who shower me with presents and gaze into my eyes as if the answer to their prayers could be found somewhere in their transparent blue. They find a reason to touch my hand when what they really want is to touch my heart and it makes me want to puke. They chisel away and poke and prod while I run like the dickens to the nearest restroom and call my girlfriend with a signal to get me the hell out of there!

This must be what it feels like to men on the receiving end of my love-lust and I am appalled to even mention it, but it has occurred to me and has even prompted me to think about forcing myself to date guys I am NOT attracted to. What is that about? Have I lost hold of my senses? Have my instinctual mating rhythms gone completely haywire? Or am I simply hard-up? I think we all know the answer to that question.

Being hard-up is not a platform from which to begin a relationship, it simply cannot be. I am not sure what to say about the timing of life and love, or what another day will bring, but I am sure about that one thing and so I won’t second guess myself and I won’t keep making the same mistakes over and over again. I just listen to the Buddha!

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Recently I have been very interested in finding the key to happiness. Yeah, Yeah, I know this could be described as a universal quest, but regardless of the fact the my journey to adventure is the same as everyone else’s I have set about investigating it. You see in the beginning I thought, erroneously that the key to happiness would be secured when I found a husband. But my error was in thinking that marriage was a magically delicious zone where happiness was granted. What I found out, after the thrill wore off was that I still was not happy, sometimes not even content. I wasn’t in the “best” marriage, with the “best” guy in the world, but at the time I thought he was, so I am factoring that into my happiness equation, but still. I believe that happiness is something I should bring to the relationship and I know that I did, many times I did, but I also brought a lot of other stuff too. Most of it emotional baggage which I’ve written about before. But now that I am single and relying on myself I have been not really reading about happiness as much as doing what I want to find it in my daily life. I am defining happiness as a simple peacefulness that feels warm all under and it’s a place where I am completely satisfied with my own company. It feels like I have a smile on the inside and I also find myself smiling, just because. This is a nice feeling.

While on my quest without really searching I found a blog/website called “The Happiness Project“, because if I have thought of it there is always someone out there who thought of it first. One of my goals is to have an original idea, but this wasn’t one of them. The founder of the site is writing a book and yesterday she wrote about 8 psychological terms to strength friendships. It was an interesting read and if you want to click over it’s up to you. But one of the things she mentioned was “the duty to be happy”. I am not sure I agree with making happiness a duty because I am all for feeling what you are feeling and then acknowledging it somewhere, because happiness is not something that can be forced. I believe that forcing any emotion can lead to repression of what is real. I am not advocating walking around in a cloud of negativity all day either. I think what I am saying is, that in life, in day-to-day existence there are times when we will not be happy and I think it is our duty to admit it, then we can make light of it, then we can clear the air.

Let’s face it, if happiness was a constant there wouldn’t be so many people searching to find it, in books, in religions, in relationships. Happiness is a part of life, one part. Developing a happy spirit to embrace life is another and accepting what life offers is the key!

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