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Posts Tagged ‘internet dating’

followurdreams

Sounds a little hokey, right? Maybe a little too romantic, too dreamy, not fastened to reality as it should be? Some people would say that taking your dreams literally without dissecting them sets you up for a let down. Carl Jung believed that you are everything in your dream, that dog, that table, that sunset, that ray of light and the darkness that sometimes prevails. He asked you to look at your surroundings, are they backlit with sunshine or gloom, lightening or clouds. What is the setting? These can often determine your subconscious landscape, that which exists behind the scenes of conscious reality? Do you fly? Do you die? Do you feel happy or distressed. I like working my dreams using Jung’s analysis, it lends insight into what I’m in denial about, or what I’m repressing, and generally I dream a lot. Often my dreams are like novels with chapters and characters that coalesce to form stories. I have, in the past, kept a dream log. I was fascinated by the life I was living in my subconscious. Fascinated and sometimes a little sad because there weren’t as many bright and shiny days as I’d like. There was a lot of turbulence and the landscape was gray. After awhile rather than recording all my dreams in a journal I simply wrote down those that felt very, very real to me, and even if I couldn’t figure out what they meant I knew some information would reveal itself to me later. Our dreams can truly inform us if we allow them to.

Since I am so familiar with my dream life I take notice when the canvas changes and I take particular notice when I am given a very specific message in a dream. One night about 3 weeks ago I was awoken from sleep after dreaming about a man who was so attractive to me, so much fun and so protective that I felt filled with joy. I felt like a child again playing with someone who I felt very close to. It was, in a word, delightful. Now, if we go with Jung’s way of analyzing this experience, in the dream I had met another aspect of myself the loving, strong, playful child. This man was strong and I felt protected in his presence. I felt safe. And Indeed this feeling was/is a gift to myself to know that inside me is a strong and loving presence.

This night upon waking I also was given a poem, really a kind of rhyme that I wrote down and expanded upon in the days that followed. It describes the man of my dreams. In the days and weeks prior to the dream I had been toying with the idea of dating and I believe this is what prompted my subconscious to spew out what it was I really desired in a man, those qualities which would endear him to me and the qualities I posses that would endear me to him. We attract who we are inside. I’m going to post it here as a way to validate that part of me that dreams, that part of me that exists, but is not always taken seriously by me. It is a reminder that the answers are inside us whenever we decide to acknowledge them as real!

You’re soft enough to hold me

And

Strong enough to let me roam

You’re patient enough to get to know me

And

Independent enough to live on your own

You’re man enough to know what love is

And

Boyish enough to make me smile

You’re old enough to understand life

And

Open enough to laugh at it all the while

You’re rich enough to know what really matters

And

Free from work enough to have a good time

You’re passionate enough to really enjoy kissing

And

Connected enough to know that making love is divine

You’re romantic enough to court me

And

Sweet enough to bring me flowers

Your clever enough to get me thinking

And

Funny enough that together we laugh for hours

You’re aware enough to know your own feelings

And

Contemplative enough to share them with me

Your honest enough to live with honor

And

Candid enough to know what the consequences of lying will be

Your instinctive enough to read these words

And

See, that the qualities I desire in you are the same ones you see in me

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sex11

Okay, okay, okay! Let’s start this out by asking a good question about sex and the urge to have it as an impetus when we are gearing up to date again.

As you may or may not know I have been putting off dating in order to give myself a chance to determine what I like, I’ve been dating myself first, and I have come to a determination of what characteristics I want in a man, what I value the most and also what type of person I would be compatible with. To my mind this could be a tall order to fill, since I’m pretty far off from the traditional “gurl” and can be quirky, odd, free-willed and independent to a fault. Plus I tend to be a loner and have difficulty believing that I could find someone who I would want to see every single morning, bad breath and bed head and all. And I have decided to put myself out there and see who I meet. The venue you ask? Well, what else but the internet for me? I’m basically a recluse in a town where your choices of available men are 2, the Rednecks and the Jocks, well there is some odd bred in between the 2, but they are hard to find, usually married or just plain weird. You do have your geeks, but they are off somewhere at computer conventions, I think.

But I digress. The thing is when you’ve been single for a long time something starts to happen biologically, maybe it’s the biological imperative, I think I’m too old for that. Maybe it’s a monthly hormonal imbalance. Maybe it’s just plain human to want to get your groove on with the opposite sex. Whatever it may be, I’ve been having a lot of it lately, and this gives me cause for concern, since there ain’t no way I’m jumping into bed with some normally un-dateable dude just because I have an itch I need to scratch.

I know there are women out there who are going to think I am not into the feminine movement because of what I’m about to say, but frankly Maude, I don’t give a shit!

The way I see it, no matter what you try to tell me or convince me of, men and women are biologically different, and equipped differently as well. I thought I would point that out in case you hadn’t noticed. It’s this difference in equipment that makes the sex act a completely opposite experience for each partner, duh. Let me splain, you see when women have sex they are taking in the man’s energy, when men have sex they are expending energy. Now, I don’t know about you, but I want any energy I take in to be fully qualified to enter. This goes for the people I surround myself with too, but it is most important when I’m deciding who to couple with. Nuff said!

So even if your hormones are calling, don’t date that dude unless he is well qualified, because you’re the one who has to deal with the repercussions later, and a hot bath won’t get it done.

As a result of all this thinking and reminiscing about errors in judgment I have made in the past I’ve decided to make a list to help you decide if you’re just too horny to date safely.

· You’re a 46 year-old woman who thinks about sex as much as a high school boy

· Your mind begins to wander whenever you see something long and cylindrical

· You’ve cycled through 12 sets of C batteries and 9 sets of doubles AA’s and you and the guy at the porn store are on a first name basis

· Formerly un-dateable dudes seem oddly alluring?

· You believe you could make millions by developing a perfume named, “Odoor-D- Sex”

· Paying for sex makes logical sense

· You actually know “why the caged bird sings”

· You have developed a deep empathy with cats-in-heat

· You would give your eye teeth to catch a ride on the back of a motorcycle

· You and your stationary bike have developed a personal relationship

· You haven’t had a “headache” for years

· You keep checking your calendar to see when your next Brazilian is, the last one was so erotic

· The cashier at the grocery store keeps asking you why you buy so many cucumbers

· Chocolate has lost it’s appeal

· You have amassed a large collection of Thongs, but don’t remember buying them

· Anything that vibrates is gold

· People keep asking you why you are so jittery

· You buy men’s cologne to spray on and then keep smelling yourself

· You go to home stores and strike up conversations with random male employees

· Tight jeans feel good

Word to the wise or soon to be wiser, if you can answer yes to 5 or more of these statements you may want to reconsider dating until the urge passes, and it will pass, especially if you start cruising some photos on one or more of the dating sites, this is enough to make a sane woman stone cold sober. This should be a very interesting experience for me . . .

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Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth.

~Oscar Wilde

A wise friend once told me, that for the first year of every relationship you are not dating the person, you are dating their representative! Pretty funny, right? I believe this is fundamentally true. I think in love relationships as in life we all wear masks. Not to say that this is a bad thing. I mean we, most of us, would act differently around out mothers than we would around our closest friends and even our bosses and co-workers. This is how we navigate in society and while our primary M.O. is usually constant we are adaptable and able to change when circumstances require it. So it goes without saying that when we are dating we do what we can to make the best impression on a potential partner. Some people are better at this than others and it may take a lot longer to get to know those people than it does to get know people who are not so good at it.

I was told over and over again by my X and by my daughter in particular that I should try to be more like the former. I am too right out there with what I am thinking. I have often been told that I am TOO honest, if that’s even possible, and that I need to learn when to keep my mouth shut. In essence in “love” relationships, especially in the beginning less is more. But what the fuck is up with that? I am not good at coy disguises and I believe that being up front with someone is the most important quality a person can have, but you know, when you hear it from more than one person you start to question yourself and your primary beliefs and worse yet you start to question the true motivation of others. Am I dating him or his representative? Is it real or is it Memorex? Since I am up front and out there with everything almost right from the beginning, I unconsciously believe that everyone else is too! That for the most part people are as honest with me as I am with them and that simply is not true. Alternatively people who are secret keepers and who are less honest also believe that everyone else is like them and that must truly suck! In some ways dating is like a really long job interview and I was never too good at those either, telling more than was necessary of the truth and failing miserably as well. I think that is why I work for myself. I can’t stand bullshit artists and I simply don’t bullshit well, unless I have too, then I am a fabulous liar, but never in my personal life and I hate the idea that I have to alter my personality to be coy and mysterious when I’m not and eventually I will be found out, I mean eventually when you live with someone everything comes out doesn’t it? And wouldn’t you like to know everything sooner rather than later? I certainly would! Probably not on the first date or even the second or third, but definitely before I crawl into bed with you.

I was talking to another close friend about a surgery I am scheduled to have and before I chose a surgeon I interviewed 5 doctors and still I was afraid I had chosen the wrong one. I said, “What if my bad choice in men bleeds over into the way I choose surgeons?” Being the highly intelligent creature she is, (My friends are so smart), she said, “But you’ve done your homework, you’ve done the research, it’s sad, but true, that most people never do any research about their love interests or the people they date, they simply jump headlong into the relationship without finding out who they are with or what their track record is!” I found that answer to be a little bit of genius and I promised myself I would never get into another relationship with someone without doing my homework! It makes too much sense not to!

How do you know if you are dating him or his representative?

Well, pay attention. I’ll say it again pay attention. Peek behind the mask. Watch how he acts around friends, his mother, his children and if he isn’t willing to let you into that world where you can observe him, don’t let him into your pants! That is the mistake I have always made in the past, only to find out later that he treated his mother like shit and his home looked like an atom bomb went off inside spewing debris everywhere or I’ve seen the alternative where his home was so meticulous that he alphabetized his canned goods, it should have been a warning to me, but that warning came too late because I had already gotten too intimate too soon. For me and probably for most women, (not all), having sex equates to feeling really connected to someone and then the blinders go up because we want more and then it’s too late to nip it in the bud. So find out if you are dating him or his representative before you let the relationship get physical. It’s only good common sense, unless you just want to get laid and then it doesn’t really matter does it?

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rules for dating

A long time ago in a land far away I was a member of eharmony! Yeah it’s true! When I was married I once kidded with my husband saying that if I was single eharmony was the dating service I would use to catch me a man. He thought it was a good idea too. It’s a well known fact that most people met their significant other at work or through someone at work and many times your spouse will find someone new to love where they work. For those of us who work from home, who have a large circle of married friends finding romance can be a bitch, unless you want to go to a bar, ick and living in a small town makes the task seem more daunting still. This was, still is actually, the dilemma I find myself in. But when I was fresh out of my marriage I felt a strong urge to jump on the horse again. This may have been my first mistake. Because I’m thinkin that when you are filling out the 2 hour questionnaire you might want to be in your right mind, instead of being in the worst possible emotional state of all time, heat broken and hard up for some love. Because filling out that God awful form is how your matches are chosen. Needless to say I was matched with some fucked up fellows, as fucked up as me I suppose and maybe a little more so. The other issue I had with eharmony was the unavailability of men in my area, sometimes the closest man was 90 minutes away and until I added an out of state option I had 2 matches. I’m just not that interested in far away dating and at that time fueling up your car would not prevent you buying food, so it wasn’t that. So I closed my eharmony account and had a dubious affair with (A) who looked good on paper and did all the right things, well mostly, but who ended up to be one of the strangest persons I have ever known. A true freak of nature. I met him on Cupid, a place very much like an online pick-up joint where everyone is looking to get laid and your biggest concern could be deciphering profiles to determine if the available singles are indeed married. If they aren’t married they tend to be serial daters whose profiles never come down and when I checked 3 years later could find the same men, “still looking” in my area. Match is the same way. I am wondering where the success stories come from. Maybe it’s that one in ten thousand that works, who knows? And to be honest I’m not that interested in finding out.

Whatever the case may be I am inundated daily with emails about dating sites, Christian singles, Big Fat singles, Singles who like cars, motorcycles and speed racing, Singles over 40,50, and 60. There are Well endowed Singles who are available right now to have sex with me in my area and if you ask they will send you a youtube video of their masturbating bliss. I have also been told that I have a “secret lover” who awaits my response right after I download a ring tone onto my cell phone. And day after day I get mail from eharmony explaining that if I don’t act now I will miss out on that special someone, my perfect match! It makes me very nervous because what if I am? Of course it’s supposed to make me nervous isn’t it, cuz if I don’t find the love of my life on their site I might be alone forever and ever, a fate worse than contracting VD or finding out you have hemorrhoids.

Yesterday I was graced with an email from eharmony that provided me with 5 Rules for dating, oh joy! I’ve copied and pasted them for your perusal.

Rule #1: Listen to Your Gut

Whether you’re on a date, communicating with someone you meet online, or flirting with a cutie you meet in the flesh, it’s important to pay attention and listen to your gut. If a potential date’s actions or words set off an internal alarm system, you owe it to yourself to pay attention and act accordingly. These alarms can be both good and bad. For example, if you’ve met someone online and they seem interesting, then you talk to them on the phone and they sound completely different (in a negative way), you may decide not to meet them in person. A positive example would be if you were on a date with someone and they seemed nervous but well intentioned, your gut might tell you to give them a second chance. By going on a second date, you’ll gain a better understanding of who they really are and if you’d like to see them again.

Rule #2: Pay Attention to Red Flags

Like those internal alarms that alert you to your gut feelings, you also have an alarm system to alert you to red flags. Oftentimes this alarm system is turned way down. As a result, we often ignore red flags and find ourselves getting involved with inappropriate partners because we’re not paying attention. To become a truly successful single in the new millennium, you owe it to yourself to become a red flag specialist. That means paying attention to red flags as they are presented to you on dates. An example of a red flag would be if you found yourself on a date with someone who could not stop talking about their ex. They may be a fantastic person, and eventually make a great partner, but right now they’re not ready. Your job is to pay attention to that red flag and not pursue them.

Rule #3: Actions Speak Louder Than Words

During the course of your dating life you will most likely find yourself on a date with someone whose actions speak much louder than their words. Maybe they’re attentive and chivalrous to you, but treat the waiter, bartender, and/or valet poorly. Or maybe they claim they’re ready for a long-term relationship, but their wandering eye tells you otherwise. To get the most out of your dating life, it’s important to understand that actions speak louder than words. When someone’s actions are contrary to their words, this is not only a red flag, it’s gut-check time. By paying attention and screening out potential partners whose actions don’t match their words, you cut down on wasted dating time and make it that much easier to attract potential partners worth your time and energy.

Rule #4: Don’t Play Games

Successful singles know what goes around comes around. They also know the importance of being honest and well-intentioned with the people they date. As a successful single, you owe it to yourself and the individuals you date not to play games. Call when you say you’re going to call. Do what you say you’re going to do, and be honest when the other person asks if you’d like to go out again. If you don’t want to see them again, say so in a kind and considerate way. By being honest and letting them down easy, you avoid playing games. Expect the same in return. If you don’t get it, don’t play games by taking that out on the next person you date.

Rule #5: Know When to Say “Game Over”

Just as you should not play dating games, you will want to avoid getting played. Like it or not, there are plenty of players on the dating scene. It’s up to you to know the signs of the player, know their game, and be confident enough to say “game over.” Here’s how to spot a player: When they approach, they’ll take you off guard with a backhanded compliment/insult along the lines of “you’re too cute to be wearing that” or “I’d buy you a drink, but you probably wouldn’t talk to me.” These tactics are known as The Game. The player’s motive is to take you off guard so that you’re on the defensive and try to make up for it by engaging in their game. The problem is, these players aren’t genuine. Instead of falling for their tactics, simply smile, say “game over,” and walk (better yet, run!) away.

While there are no hard and fast dating rules, there are definitely guidelines to follow to make your dating life more enjoyable. By listening to your gut, paying attention to red flags, and understanding that actions speak louder than words, you cut down on wasted dating time. In doing so, you not only avoid getting played, but you also greatly increase your chances of relationship success.

It seems like all the standard stuff, but I do believe they have failed to mention a few that are more important and should include some safety tips.

  • When you are going to meet someone for the first time, tell a friend or relative where you are going and who you are meeting, his or her full name. Also schedule a phone call to check in. Leave the information written down at home where it is readily available in case you don’t check in. Better to be paranoid is my philosophy.
  • Stop going from one relationship right into another, hard-up is not the new sexy.
  • Stop taking it personally if the relationship doesn’t work out, whining won’t make it so.
  • Stop thinking that real life happens like it does in the movies or in eharmony ads. A 90 minute movie or 2 minute ad is a sales pitch, nothing more.
  • Stop believing that someone else can complete you, only you can complete you. 2 halves don’t make a whole.
  • And have fun Dag nab it, life goes on whether you’re in a relationship or not!

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Recently I have been very interested in finding the key to happiness. Yeah, Yeah, I know this could be described as a universal quest, but regardless of the fact the my journey to adventure is the same as everyone else’s I have set about investigating it. You see in the beginning I thought, erroneously that the key to happiness would be secured when I found a husband. But my error was in thinking that marriage was a magically delicious zone where happiness was granted. What I found out, after the thrill wore off was that I still was not happy, sometimes not even content. I wasn’t in the “best” marriage, with the “best” guy in the world, but at the time I thought he was, so I am factoring that into my happiness equation, but still. I believe that happiness is something I should bring to the relationship and I know that I did, many times I did, but I also brought a lot of other stuff too. Most of it emotional baggage which I’ve written about before. But now that I am single and relying on myself I have been not really reading about happiness as much as doing what I want to find it in my daily life. I am defining happiness as a simple peacefulness that feels warm all under and it’s a place where I am completely satisfied with my own company. It feels like I have a smile on the inside and I also find myself smiling, just because. This is a nice feeling.

While on my quest without really searching I found a blog/website called “The Happiness Project“, because if I have thought of it there is always someone out there who thought of it first. One of my goals is to have an original idea, but this wasn’t one of them. The founder of the site is writing a book and yesterday she wrote about 8 psychological terms to strength friendships. It was an interesting read and if you want to click over it’s up to you. But one of the things she mentioned was “the duty to be happy”. I am not sure I agree with making happiness a duty because I am all for feeling what you are feeling and then acknowledging it somewhere, because happiness is not something that can be forced. I believe that forcing any emotion can lead to repression of what is real. I am not advocating walking around in a cloud of negativity all day either. I think what I am saying is, that in life, in day-to-day existence there are times when we will not be happy and I think it is our duty to admit it, then we can make light of it, then we can clear the air.

Let’s face it, if happiness was a constant there wouldn’t be so many people searching to find it, in books, in religions, in relationships. Happiness is a part of life, one part. Developing a happy spirit to embrace life is another and accepting what life offers is the key!

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And Today the Buddha!

Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. -Buddha.

The thought manifests as the word. The word manifests as the deed. The deed develops into habit. And the habit hardens into character. So watch the thought and its ways with care. And let it spring from love, born out of concern for all beings. -Buddha.

As the fletcher whittles and makes straight his arrows, so the master directs his straying thoughts. -Buddha.

All that we are is the result of what we have thought. -Buddha.

You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. ~Buddha

There is no fire like passion, there is no shark like hatred, there is no snare like folly, there is no torrent like greed. ~Buddha

Do not overrate what you have received, nor envy others. He who envies others does not obtain peace of mind. ~Buddha

Whatever words we utter should be chosen with care for people will hear them and be influenced by them for good or ill. ~Buddha

Let yourself be open and life will be easier. A spoon of salt in a glass of water makes the water undrinkable. A spoon of salt in a lake is almost unnoticed. ~Buddha

Hatred does not cease by hatred, but only by love; this is the eternal rule. ~Buddha

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For most of my adult life I have been a Self-Help Junkie. I have hundreds and hundreds of books on the subject, most incredibly say the same or similar things and because of reading so many self-help books I tend to come off sometimes sounding in my writing like a self-helper. I cannot stop myself from wanting to help people to improve themselves and I cannot stop myself from wanting to improve me. My friends simply accept this as part of my personality and for a long while I have accepted that is who I am, doling out advice as if I have all the answers and God love me maybe I do, but who wants to listen to that shit all the time? People do come to me for advice and I love it, but what I have found is that people mostly just want to be heard. Because I have noticed big-time that most people don’t do as they are advised. I know I sure don’t! And let’s face it if I did follow the advice of every self-help book, manual or tape/cd set I own I would be the most enlightened puppy on the planet. You can read stuff, pay a therapist, go to an anonymous meeting or get a psychic reading and still never follow the instructions you receive, it’s called free-will. So if you know this stuff are you required to practice it or just take it all in and see what comes out at the end. I like the saying, “ignorance is bliss” because if I don’t know I don’t have to shit!

Lately though I have stopped main-lining self-help stuff and have in fact sold many of my self help books on Amazon. It’s a truly freeing experience and I have earned some extra cash in the process. But I’ll tell you what at first it wasn’t easy, parting with all those books, some I hadn’t read. Ugh. I hope someone else will put them to good use. So I have been going through this change in realization that I can steer my own ship, make my own way and find my own path without all of this extra-curricular activity and then today I open one of my email messages and this is what I find:

The Disease of Self-Improvement

The very act of trying to improve ourselves causes us to believe that there is something wrong with us in the first place.

It’s a free report by Dr. Robert Anthony and if you go to his website you can download it. And on his website he also takes comments so I read through them and found this, my favorite one:

I really like the clarity of your thought and writing, Dr Anthony. This reminds me of an article I read called “From Self Help Addiction To Self Reliance” by Wily Walnut. It is kind of funny though where you start out this report saying so clearly that we have all the answers within and then end it by trying to upsell us to your Real Mind LIfe Strategy system! Hilarious too all the fuzzy-wuzzy SECRET stuff at the back end laced with all the hypnotic commands to ‘STOP RESISTING, START ALLOWING’ and to ‘put yourself into a non-resistant state of mind ! All while reaching for my wallet presumably!! I love it! You are such a rascal! You are really the best at this stuff, so subtle and skilled at it that I really like you even if you are hypnotizing the shirt off me! So, for me, A+ for the front and A- for the back! Thank you for the free report and for all your other ideas so beautifully expressed.”

I did NOT download that free-report since I quit my addiction, but I think that this comment proves that someone will use reverse psychology to sell another self-help book labeled as a non-self-help book as another way to part you with your money and the free report thing is simply a sales letter to hook you in. Great marketing strategy, but I still feel it feeds off of those of us who believe that if they can find the answer in a book life will be golden, but it just isn’t true. I did of course click over to read what Wily Walnut had to say and I liked it a lot and he wasn’t trying to sell me anything a big plus in my book nowadays!

I think the way I am feeling right now can be summed up in a quote, well I have so many:

People say that what we’re all seeking is the
meaning of life…I think that what we’re
really seeking is the experience of being alive.

~ Joseph Campbell

So let’s have at it!

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