A Message From God

These words came to me last night and I am sharing them with you. May they have meaning in your life!

When the lighted path grows dim
hold a candle against the darkness
then speak my name
I will be there for you

When the flame flickers and dies
feel your way against the darkness
then call out my name
I will be there for you

When you can not feel your way
remember the lighted path
and whisper my name
I will be there for you

When you can not remember your way
imagine the path lighted before you
say my name
and I will be there for you
I will be there for you like a foothold
Even in your blackest night
Like a hand to shake you
to awaken you
for even when you slumber
I am here

Why Man Invented God . . . or What I learned in Kentucky

Kentucky shurbs . . .  dark spots littering the field, their green matched the green in my shirt. And I wonder, always wonder about the beauty of this land, even in it’s desolation, indeed sometimes because of it. What isn’t there leaves room for the imagination. Plus the land may let you down, but you never take it personal, you know? When crops fail you don’t think the land is trying to hurt you, you just think it is what it is, or you try blaming it on God or the universe or something, but you know that can’t really be true. And just by looking into a field I figured out that man invented God to have someone to blame shit on.

Hmmm . . .

Man invented God so he could have someone to blame shit on. It’s a theory I came up with on the first day of the first week I spent with the man I thought I loved, on a vacation that would end our relationship. But, it being the first day I was still in creative spirits. I was still in a place where the freedom to roam that I desperately sought was bestowed upon me by him through the company he worked for, and while I don’t think I ever really admitted it to him I realized a lot about myself and the world and travel, well motion, while I was stuck in a Hum-V with him, driving and driving for miles. I realized too that he was simply a catalyst for my transformation the same way one needs to strike flint or tinder or whatever the fuck. I mean he was like an ingredient that was a requirement.

Now, none of this can be seen while you are in the midst of it. It can only be observed afterward. After the pain wears off. After you realize it was one tiny stop over on the map of your destiny. A tiny spot that seemed really big and all consuming at the moment and the deal is, it felt like love. I mean true love, deep love, love without limits, but that is fucking bullshit isn’t it? Everything has limits, conditions, restrictions, except knowledge, except learning, except passion and there is love in all of these but it comes from within it is not gotten from someone but it can be bestowed upon them, it is a gift to be given an received and there are limits, self imposed, but limits just the same.

But what I learned about love didn’t/wasn’t realized on the trip necessarily, but some months after during a dormant period and alone time that for me was so painful to speak of it hurts right down the middle like a hole in my gut. He would never understand this because he didn’t have too, has never wanted to, at least not yet. And that makes me happy because I would not wish this feeling upon anyone, well that’s a lie, but I’ll get back to that another time. See the thing is he held pain too, experienced pain too and kind of talked about it, but not really. Like I’m a big man who won’t cry so I’ll just bitch about every fucking thing and wait for someone to see it’s pain or there is pain and maybe they will make it go away. Yup he was that guy, the one who was constantly looking to make the pain go away through others, but who would never actually open up for the healing, cuz when it got too deep he would just move on to the next and the next, a surface dweller. And the reason I know this is because I was that exact same way too and so I was attracted to him like a magnet, a fucking guided missile and I knew nothing good, well nothing, well I knew nothing of what our entanglement would bring . . . Ah co-dependancy, Ah lust, Ah the beauty of doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. It just goes on and on.

No on can write about it while they are in it and while they are in it, it feels really good and really bad at the same time. And no one can write about it until they have closure (a term by the way that I despise) I’m not sure I’ve ever had it in my life, but as I sit here facing a fire, under the threat of encroaching Autumn, beneath skies more cloud filled than blue I know more than I did before he and I were introduced. I know more about myself. I know more about life. I know more about relationships than I ever did before and I while I was in Kentucky I realized that man invented God so he would have someone to blame shit on?

The Peaceful Warrior, Oxymoron or Something Much Deeper?

Dan Millman is a real man, I don’t mean he’s real man like a “real” man’s-man. I mean he is an actual living person who has a website and everything. The movie, “Peaceful Warrior” is the story of his life or a part of his life that, according him actually happened. Well I must confess, I did not research it because I like to think it did happen. I like to think that events depicted in the movie can happen in real life. I have always been a dreamer. I have always believed that anything can happen, because otherwise life is just too boring. So maybe someone who has the time and inclination can check it out and see if he has combined truth and fiction. In some ways the story reminds me of the Celestine Prophecy only more real and in movie form it’s just easy. I know they turned the Celestine Prophecy into a movie too, but it was really kind of lame, and the Peaceful Warrior is kind of lame too, but I liked it a lot. I have watched it a lot. It is one of those movies I turn re-watch on Showtime or HBO over and over again, just to have something in the background.

Last night I had it on before sleep and I realized the lessons are not new ones. It teaches us to stay in the present. It teaches us detachment, it teaches us many things and I like the way it’s delivered because you don’t have to have a long, serious history of Buddhism or Taoism or whatever ism it teaches in order to see, understand, take in and hopefully learn what could work for you. I awoke this morning feeling refreshed, enlightened and very, very happy after remembering those lessons from The Peaceful Warrior. And today I’m thinking, shit, if watching a cheesy kind of film can fill me with enlightenment, joy, bliss, fervor, insert good feeling work of your choice here, then I am in.

I think I’ll go buy it!

A Marketing Strategy to Find a Husband ~ LMAO

Okay, Okay, now I have seen everything!

The writer says that women should market themselves and give themselves a “brand” like Proctor & Gamble. Holy Hell, what has this dating world come too? And how hard up we gonna get? Note, there is no such book for men. Indeed, I could not bring myself to buy this book, but decided instead to go on to Amazon and read the reviews, which were great by the way, and I got all the info I needed, including a big heads up on how women should lower their standards and keep a guy who is a fixer upper, cuz apparently men are now a commodity like orange juice. I couldn’t stop laughing.

This is the same author whose article I mentioned yesterday who did statistics on why men choose women. Crap ladies I may be on the wrong side of the fence here, but I’m gonna say that human beings both men and women, should never except less than the full package and here’s a big surprise, there are enough of each to go around, so never fear. Also, and I think this is very important . . . it is better to be single than to accept that which leads to unhappiness. If you aren’t feeling happy and energized everytime when your man is around then you might want to look at why. If he doesn’t support you and love you and lend his hand when you need it you may want to ask why.

Just be your beautiful self and you will attract a beautiful someone to share your life with and in the meantime have FUN!

Are You a “NICE” Girl?

The entire time I was growing up everyone told me that I was “TOO” nice. Since I was nice I didn’t say it aloud, but I thought, “What the Fuck does that mean?” I’m too nice as if it were a bad thing. How can being nice be a bad thing? Now nice is evil too. So I didn’t stop being nice. Now after many years of being nice I can see how it could be detrimental to my health. I doesn’t hurt anyone else, cause they have the benefit of my niceness but it does hurt me, especially if I am nice while assuming because I am nice everyone else will be just like me… NOT!

Nope. I have learned that most people are not nice. Most people, (and when I say most here I mean 80% or so), are looking out for themselves, to see what they can get from you or simply aren’t nice because they are afraid that if they put themselves out there and give it won’t be returned or they will get hurt. The whole issue is based around fear and lack and it is just pissing me off today. Pissing me off beyond measure because I am more the exception then the rule. This doesn’t surprise me it simply angers me. I can see it all so clearly, you know? If everyone were not so afraid of getting hurt or used or taken advantage of or whatever the fuck then surely we would just automatically do nice things for others, since it is part of our fundamental nature. Or maybe it isn’t I honestly have no fucking clue anymore.

What does this have to do with dating dudes, choosing dudes and dudes in general? And how did I come up with this topic? It’s a long story that goes back to a Junior High School Cafeteria and I won’t mention it now, let’s just say that when this article arrived in my email box this morning I was touched that indeed 100 men out of a thousand actually valued women who were nice! Didn’t that just make my day?! Since I have been told and am still being told that I have to be less nice. Well all I can say to that is Ah Ha, and see. At least now I know there are men who want to do more than play hard to get games, who actually value genuine qualities in a woman, and even though they are at the top of the food chain they do exist! I think we can all find delight in that!

Are You Ready For Love?

Well I thought I was . . .  ready for love that is, but traversing the slippery slope of internet dating smacks of all things unnatural, stranger danger and odd attractions to one dimensional images.  The odd attraction to one dimensional images part, I thought, for me would be the smallest hurdle to leap. I’m into one dimensional and probably so are you if you are living in the US. Most of us associate totally with one dimensionality, but the trouble with the one dimensional universe, when used to attract a mate can be most obvious when I point out that people have way more than one dimension, shit 3 dimensions doesn’t even cut it when it comes to human behavior and most importantly the human’s ability to bullshit up a storm, or not. I often prefer and am attracted to the bullshit artist. Not sure what it is, but I love a good line and often will respond to people who are attractive and able to write a profile that fills my needs for mental stimulation. I have yet to find, with the exception of one, a profile that was so incredibly good I actually made a move. I will include my profile in the offing because while it doesn’t stink and isn’t at all bullshit, I don’t believe it expresses who I truly am, but gives a brief summary of what I want and who I’m looking for, add a good photo and well many men have shown a great interest. Is this a good thing? I don’t know, because in as much as I am looking at one dimension so are they and what you see isn’t always what you get.

Never being able to do anything in a small way, I joined 3 sites right off the bat, and being the, “new kid on the block”. I was initially inundated and overwhelmed with responses and now that the fervor has died down I’m left wondering about what I was actually thinking. I am also wondering a lot, as usual, about the human condition when it comes to all things love and about chemistry and how all of that works. I also would say that if you enter into that one dimensional universe you might want to polish up your self esteem, cause you’re gonna need it. So far I have been on 4 dates, all of which I thought were good prospects, decent men and intelligent. All 4 of said men apparently did not feel the same way about me. Well one did and that was nice, but let’s get back to the bullshitters and riddle me this? Why would someone who didn’t like you say that they did. Odd right? I don’t do that. I don’t expect that and I don’t fucking appreciate it. My bad?

Anyway nuff said about that, because while it’s perplexing I believe you should use the same mentality when you are dating that you would use when you are about to shoot a roll of film. If you take 100 pictures figure if you are lucky you will get 5 really excellant results. Maybe a better photographer would get more, but I’m still learning, navigating the equipment and taking it personally if someone doesn’t fall head over heels with me right away. It’s fun though, and distracting and at the very least it adds to my experiences which is what I am seeking right now.

You know I thought about this too. I believe at the heart of the whole internet dating scene about 90% of the time we are all basically seeking the same experience, to find and fall in love with another person who we can share everything with, someone who sees us for who we are and loves us because of it or in spite of it, hopefully both. Sometimes thinking about this makes me sad and at others, not so much.  And having interacted at one level or another with some men I’m finding it is probably best to refine my style, not get so nervous and to let them talk. I also would say to pay attention to what they say when they are saying it and see if you like it. I often come from a place of wanting someone to like me, and this is wrong. Not that you shouldn’t want someone to like you, just don’t let it be your primary concern. See if you like them . . .

Well I’m off, more to come when the mood hits me!

My Thanksgiving Wish for You!

This came in my Go Gratitude email today and I always say why reinvent the wheel, so I’m going to share the wish with you!

May your brilliance be reflected in the eyes of all you meet.
May the blessings of Life be felt in thought, word and deed.

May you drink deeply from Wisdom’s cup.
May you see the gift in every challenge, the sacred in every step.

May laughter roll your belly as you delight in Creation’s mystery.
May you breathe freely, Love deeply, rejoice wildly and create
passionately.

May you be at peace, whether your bowl be empty or full.
May the Light of Love shine brightly upon your soul.

May you listen deeply within, faithfully heeding the guidance of Spirit.
May you wake to dream each day, remembering NOW is all there IS.

May you feel the energy of co-creation flowing through each hand.
May you remember to honor and give thanks for our Motherland!

May you experience the bliss of a well-lived day …
Forgiving ignorance; releasing regret, guilt or shame.

May you be sovereign, and to thine own Self be true.

Get Your Wings

It was a great album by AeroSmith and something I’ve been thinking about for several days. I feel a theme coming on it’s about transformation I even created a new page about a transformation I’ve been going through over the past year, actually since I started blogging and during the time I took off from writing on here. I always write, sometimes it’s stories and that is what I have been working on a story of transformation. A lot has occurred to me over these months and some of it is worth posting.

I have scenes that play over and over in my mind, like old movies and these have kept me stuck in the past. I think we all do. 2 such scenes involve interactions I have had with significant men in my life. One day as I was walking down the hallway when I was 10, I looked up and saw my father in his usual seat at the kitchen table, eating. Seems he was always eating, or preparing to eat. A big man. An Old man, and still just a man, he was in the habit of saying whatever he thought without censor. He was also in the habit of extending his pinky whenever he held a cup. He was dark skinned with hairy knuckles and black rimmed glasses. I didn’t like looking at him and liked his manner of speaking even less. Often his tyraids went on for several hours, during which I would zone out. He liked to call me unconscious and felt a strong urge to get my attention by slapping me in the back of the head.

On this particular morning as I walked down the hallway towards the kitchen I averted his glance, said good morning and attempted a bee-line down the front stairs. He barked out, “Your getting so fat you look like the broad side of a barn!” Your mother and I are going to put you on a diet and I will pay you $1.00 a pound for every pound you lose. From then on I was feed pre-specified meals and could not eat what my brother and sisters ate. I lost 30 pounds. Thus began a life time of self recrimination and stupid ass diets.

Fast forward to the second scene that plays over and over in my head. My Ex on the eve of our decision to part ways and a night I spent crying. I wrote a post that highlights the beginning of that evening called, “The Vagabond and The Poacher“, but what happened next is not something I have been able to write about until now. You see when we came home that night he informed me that he had compiled a list of pros and cons to help him decide whether or not we should stay together. When I asked to see his list he said it wouldn’t be a good idea and that showing it to me would be in a word, mean. So I asked him to tell me what his conclusion was and he said that pros and cons were about equal, except for one item, basically a deal breaker. He told me that I had a beautiful face, but that he was disgusted by my body and could not have sex with me. I was, of course, devastated and spent the rest of the night on the couch with a box of kleenex. He spent the night sleeping soundly in our bed. I had already been replaced with a younger, slimmer model, and while I had a strong intuition about this, it took a while to confirm it.

There is a reason I am sharing all this and it is about getting your wings and transforming into someone who can look in the mirror and see themselves as the best thing since sliced bread. It’s about transforming into someone who doesn’t give a shit about what other people think. It’s about transforming into someone who can fly, finally, after years of crawling along in a cocoon of victimhood, self deception and denial. You see while I recognize how awful the men in my life were, I also recognize that they gave me a gift. This may sound odd, but something in me rose up against what they were saying and said, this is more about you than it is about me and if you don’t like me you can leave. But, and when I did it I was blaming them. I was taking it all personally and so I got hurt, even though I knew deeply that it had nothing to do with me at all.

People often believe that transformation is something that should just happen, you know you wake up one day and you are better, but I’m here to tell you that this is the furthest thing from the truth. Transformation is a harsh, ugly, painful experience that once gotten through will leave you feeling refreshed and alive. Yes, do think of the butterfly who must knaw it’s way out of it’s shell, or the baby chick, or reptile. They fight for it and if you are looking at it via time lapse photography it might even seem quick, but we don’t know what’s going on inside that shell, nor do we have any concept of what time feels like for that being.

Getting your wings is all about acknowledging those distractions that keep you in the cocoon. Is it food? Is it alcohol? Is it drugs? Is it Coffee? Is it sex? Is it television? What the fuck is it? We all know what it is we just don’t like to admit it, but it’s back there scratching away at the shell whispering. It says if you stop doing this you will fly!

Serenity Sunday ~ The Man of My Dreams

Sounds a little hokey, right? Maybe a little too romantic, too dreamy, not fastened to reality as it should be? Some people would say that taking your dreams literally without dissecting them sets you up for a let down. Carl Jung believed that you are everything in your dream, that dog, that table, that sunset, that ray of light and the darkness that sometimes prevails. He asked you to look at your surroundings, are they backlit with sunshine or gloom, lightening or clouds. What is the setting? These can often determine your subconscious landscape, that which exists behind the scenes of conscious reality? Do you fly? Do you die? Do you feel happy or distressed. I like working my dreams using Jung’s analysis, it lends insight into what I’m in denial about, or what I’m repressing, and generally I dream a lot. Often my dreams are like novels with chapters and characters that coalesce to form stories. I have, in the past, kept a dream log. I was fascinated by the life I was living in my subconscious. Fascinated and sometimes a little sad because there weren’t as many bright and shiny days as I’d like. There was a lot of turbulence and the landscape was gray. After awhile rather than recording all my dreams in a journal I simply wrote down those that felt very, very real to me, and even if I couldn’t figure out what they meant I knew some information would reveal itself to me later. Our dreams can truly inform us if we allow them to.

Since I am so familiar with my dream life I take notice when the canvas changes and I take particular notice when I am given a very specific message in a dream. One night about 3 weeks ago I was awoken from sleep after dreaming about a man who was so attractive to me, so much fun and so protective that I felt filled with joy. I felt like a child again playing with someone who I felt very close to. It was, in a word, delightful. Now, if we go with Jung’s way of analyzing this experience, in the dream I had met another aspect of myself the loving, strong, playful child. This man was strong and I felt protected in his presence. I felt safe. And Indeed this feeling was/is a gift to myself to know that inside me is a strong and loving presence.

This night upon waking I also was given a poem, really a kind of rhyme that I wrote down and expanded upon in the days that followed. It describes the man of my dreams. In the days and weeks prior to the dream I had been toying with the idea of dating and I believe this is what prompted my subconscious to spew out what it was I really desired in a man, those qualities which would endear him to me and the qualities I posses that would endear me to him. We attract who we are inside. I’m going to post it here as a way to validate that part of me that dreams, that part of me that exists, but is not always taken seriously by me. It is a reminder that the answers are inside us whenever we decide to acknowledge them as real!

You’re soft enough to hold me

And

Strong enough to let me roam

You’re patient enough to get to know me

And

Independent enough to live on your own

You’re man enough to know what love is

And

Boyish enough to make me smile

You’re old enough to understand life

And

Open enough to laugh at it all the while

You’re rich enough to know what really matters

And

Free from work enough to have a good time

You’re passionate enough to really enjoy kissing

And

Connected enough to know that making love is divine

You’re romantic enough to court me

And

Sweet enough to bring me flowers

Your clever enough to get me thinking

And

Funny enough that together we laugh for hours

You’re aware enough to know your own feelings

And

Contemplative enough to share them with me

Your honest enough to live with honor

And

Candid enough to know what the consequences of lying will be

Your instinctive enough to read these words

And

See, that the qualities I desire in you are the same ones you see in me

Let’s Talk About Sex . . . and The Single Girl

Okay, okay, okay! Let’s start this out by asking a good question about sex and the urge to have it as an impetus when we are gearing up to date again.

As you may or may not know I have been putting off dating in order to give myself a chance to determine what I like, I’ve been dating myself first, and I have come to a determination of what characteristics I want in a man, what I value the most and also what type of person I would be compatible with. To my mind this could be a tall order to fill, since I’m pretty far off from the traditional “gurl” and can be quirky, odd, free-willed and independent to a fault. Plus I tend to be a loner and have difficulty believing that I could find someone who I would want to see every single morning, bad breath and bed head and all. And I have decided to put myself out there and see who I meet. The venue you ask? Well, what else but the internet for me? I’m basically a recluse in a town where your choices of available men are 2, the Rednecks and the Jocks, well there is some odd bred in between the 2, but they are hard to find, usually married or just plain weird. You do have your geeks, but they are off somewhere at computer conventions, I think.

But I digress. The thing is when you’ve been single for a long time something starts to happen biologically, maybe it’s the biological imperative, I think I’m too old for that. Maybe it’s a monthly hormonal imbalance. Maybe it’s just plain human to want to get your groove on with the opposite sex. Whatever it may be, I’ve been having a lot of it lately, and this gives me cause for concern, since there ain’t no way I’m jumping into bed with some normally un-dateable dude just because I have an itch I need to scratch.

I know there are women out there who are going to think I am not into the feminine movement because of what I’m about to say, but frankly Maude, I don’t give a shit!

The way I see it, no matter what you try to tell me or convince me of, men and women are biologically different, and equipped differently as well. I thought I would point that out in case you hadn’t noticed. It’s this difference in equipment that makes the sex act a completely opposite experience for each partner, duh. Let me splain, you see when women have sex they are taking in the man’s energy, when men have sex they are expending energy. Now, I don’t know about you, but I want any energy I take in to be fully qualified to enter. This goes for the people I surround myself with too, but it is most important when I’m deciding who to couple with. Nuff said!

So even if your hormones are calling, don’t date that dude unless he is well qualified, because you’re the one who has to deal with the repercussions later, and a hot bath won’t get it done.

As a result of all this thinking and reminiscing about errors in judgment I have made in the past I’ve decided to make a list to help you decide if you’re just too horny to date safely.

· You’re a 46 year-old woman who thinks about sex as much as a high school boy

· Your mind begins to wander whenever you see something long and cylindrical

· You’ve cycled through 12 sets of C batteries and 9 sets of doubles AA’s and you and the guy at the porn store are on a first name basis

· Formerly un-dateable dudes seem oddly alluring?

· You believe you could make millions by developing a perfume named, “Odoor-D- Sex”

· Paying for sex makes logical sense

· You actually know “why the caged bird sings”

· You have developed a deep empathy with cats-in-heat

· You would give your eye teeth to catch a ride on the back of a motorcycle

· You and your stationary bike have developed a personal relationship

· You haven’t had a “headache” for years

· You keep checking your calendar to see when your next Brazilian is, the last one was so erotic

· The cashier at the grocery store keeps asking you why you buy so many cucumbers

· Chocolate has lost it’s appeal

· You have amassed a large collection of Thongs, but don’t remember buying them

· Anything that vibrates is gold

· People keep asking you why you are so jittery

· You buy men’s cologne to spray on and then keep smelling yourself

· You go to home stores and strike up conversations with random male employees

· Tight jeans feel good

Word to the wise or soon to be wiser, if you can answer yes to 5 or more of these statements you may want to reconsider dating until the urge passes, and it will pass, especially if you start cruising some photos on one or more of the dating sites, this is enough to make a sane woman stone cold sober. This should be a very interesting experience for me . . .